About a week ago, I got my first traffic ticket in the mail for doing something that's completely legal in America, but not here. When I went to go pay, I opened my wallet and thumbed past nearly US$1000 waiting to be deposited in my wife's account, took a couple of bills out and took care of it.
I really didn't care. It's hard for me to get excited about having that much money, or being penalized for this or that, knowing that almost every last bill in my wallet is going to pay for some sort of family expense. That money might as well have been pocket lint.
And that got me thinking... how did it come to this? Of course it's because I got married, but how did so many things go so wrong, so quickly? There had to be some kind of common thread running through all the things I gave up to take care of my family. My freedom, my time, my money... all that stuff left at the same time, so they had to be connected somehow. And slowly but surely, I finally understood what it was that I gave up that bound all of these things together: it was my strength.
What is freedom, if not the ability to choose your path in life, work hard for what you want, and deal with the consequences through your own strength? In addition, money is power, time is untapped potential to express yourself, and adventure, dating and charity also require indomitable will. When I married, I gave up my strength so I could protect and care for those close to me.
I compromise because my wife and I, while similar in many respects, are different people. To do what I want would mean forcing her to do things she doesn't want to do, things which aren't possible with family life anyway. And even traveling a bit a week or hanging with a friend or two makes no difference, because no amount of anything ever returns my old life to me. I sacrifice because my son needs me to be there for him, and to do what I want would mean spending little time with him. I don't want to give up power over my life and my dreams, but I must.
It wasn't always like this. Back in my unmarried days, I was a true man: I took charge, was a leader, experienced new things, cultivated charisma and maintained a powerful attitude of perseverance. I went out and tried new things, and did what I wanted to do. More importantly, though, I combined being a confident beast with honor during my unmarried time. I did what I wanted, but I also stepped on no toes and hurt no person as I enjoyed my life.
Now, for the sake of my family, I have become a workhorse loser by suppressing that part of me who follows his dreams, and letting go of my ability to choose my own path in life. I have returned to the life coasting, order following, goalless complacent boy I used to be. So now, because I'm left without the ability to pursue my goals, or even have much of a say in what I do with my everyday life, an old, shameful feeling has bubbled to the surface once more.
Jealousy walked with me every day of my depressed time, and largely manifested as my stomach feeling like it was tied in knots when I saw other people enjoying what I wanted. I never felt it after I went abroad and those two lost weeks went by. Yes, I saw men with things I wanted, but I never felt like taking anything from them. I never considered another man's property, experiences or relationships anything more than inspiration for me to work harder and better my own life.
As a married man, though, I find myself in the same position as I was in my depressed time. For example, I still see foreigners every day. Four years ago, they would have been potential friends. Now, they're just constant reminders of what I gave up, and will never again have, in my life. They have the power to go out and enjoy life when they want; I don't. They have the power to change and become whoever they want to be; I don't. Every time I see other men out with their beautiful, smiling girlfriends, riding around town with their friends, drinking at a bar, or just hear them telling stories of the great weekend they just had, I feel like someone just punched me in the gut. I can't stop thinking about how I used to be these guys, and I can't forget that I'm never going to experience that young, free, powerful kind of life again.
Similarly, when I was in my depressed years, I hated Alphas and anything like them: CEOs, the police, the rich, America, guys with girlfriends, if they had strength, I hated them. It wasn't just people who abused their power that I hated, either: it was anybody stronger than I was. When I walked by men with beautiful girlfriends, I seethed. Who is this pop-collared loser with that hot girl? I would think. I deserve her more than he does!
When I finished working on myself and had acquired the same strength that I once decried those other people for having, I realized how much of a loser that I used to be. It wasn't those people in positions of power that I hated; it was my own self that I loathed, and I was externalizing my fears, failures and laziness onto people more successful than I.
But now, nothing I do can improve my life. And those thoughts I had about frat boys with girlfriends in college? Now they come to me regarding foreign men here, who have hot girlfriends, make lots of money and have fun, and all the while not even making a token effort to experience the local culture or learn the local language, and instead spend their time bar hopping, clubbing, going to the beach, eating at McDonald's and drinking at Starbucks... the same things they did back home. I don't know what's more striking: the similarity between my current thoughts about other foreigners and my old thoughts about frat boys, or how self-destructive and useless these thoughts are in the first place. I fight these thoughts every day, and I would change my life to keep them from coming in the first place, but I'm married. All I can do now is struggle to keep them from taking root.
And all of this is connected to my video game addiction. How could I go from playing video games twelve hours a day as a depressed boy, to playing them a few hours a day abroad, to having them boxed up and ready to sell because I felt I didn't need them anymore, to the man I am today? The one who hoards games and plays them by the dozens every year? The answer, again, is strength. I have limited power over everything in my life: money, work, sex, chores, time... and everything requires at least some kind of approval of my capricious wife. But compare this to before I got married, where I answered to nobody but my boss, who paid me for my time, and my honor.
Video games are the last shred of power I have over my married life. Yes, they're not real, and yes, I realize that. But without them, I would have no control over any part of my life, no matter how illusory. I save the lives of imaginary people and explore imaginary worlds not because I believe they exist in an alternate dimension or anything, but because when I play video games, I can forget for just an hour or two a day that I have no power over anything else. What was once a surrogate parent became a hobby, then an obsession, then something I no longer needed, and finally came back to filling a void in my life.
Truthfully, if there's one "benefit" I've received from losing all of my strength to marriage, it's that I no longer have any fear. Aside from serious things happening to my family, like assault, rape, a car accident, kidnapping, drugs, murder or something similar, I don't really care. My entire life feels like a derivative, unsurprising, (barely) interactive movie that just keeps going on and on. After nearly four years of this, very few things even feel real.
My boss is yelling at me for something stupid. So? My wife and mother-in-law don't do it as much now, but it's been a week since either of them popped, so one of them is due to go off any day now.
I won some money in the lottery. So? It's not like I'm going to spend it on anything but rent and bills.
I have more useless work training to go through. So? I wasn't doing anything fun at home.
Only 5797 days to go, and I'm free. So? By then I'll be in my late fourties, and life's pretty much over then anyway. And I'll still be married, which means my wife may end up too unhealthy or uninterested to follow me on my travels around the world, so I'll probably just end up buying a house with her and waiting around in it for a decade or three to die.
I had a good trip with my family today. Great, but we're heading back home now, work is two hours away, I have chores waiting for me tonight, I'm going to wake up tomorrow to more sitting around and staring at the wall, and somebody's probably going to pop before I go to work again.
Before I got married, people begged me to take jobs that I applied for. Strangers approached me every day wanting to get to know me. Friends (including my wife) literally apologized to me for the slightest mistake, because they didn't want to risk losing me as a friend. I helped others through my words, my money and my work. I was thanked, trusted and honored in return for my efforts, but even when I received nothing, it didn't matter to me. I helped people where I could because I wanted to, and when my work was done, I was off to do something adventurous to make myself even happier. And all of this was possible because I was an amazing, powerful human being who tempered that strength with honor.
Now, people walk by me without a second glance. Nobody needlessly apologizes to me; they expect apologies of me. Nobody cleans up my messes or buys me gifts out of the blue; they get those things from me. All I do is work, sacrifice and compromise. People still make use of my efforts, but not only is my work usually not rewarded (or even recognized), but I don't have that personal strength to go off and do something I want to do to balance it all out. My life is a cycle of working for others and sitting around, with my desires forever pushed back or outright shut down by the needs of my family.
The vast bulk of my life is a wash, and it doesn't matter if good or bad things happen to me. Whether I solve a problem in my life or not, whether I get this or that monkey off of my back or not, things will just keep decaying or outright falling apart, and I'll spend the rest of my life cleaning up other people's messes. I won't be going back to the man I was, no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try. And all of this is because I gave up all of my strength when I married.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Then and Now 18 - An Empty Stop
Then and Now 18 - An Empty Stop
Time: Late 2007, single and at my apartment.
One day off from work, I decided to go out into town and see something that wasn't on my subway map. I don't remember where the stop was, but it's to be expected because I just picked a random place to go to, one that clearly had no touristy places labeled next to or around it. I knew something had to be there, and I was going to find out what... so after I got dressed and spiked my hair, I took a quick bus to the subway station to see what I could see that day.
When the subway car reached my destination, I got off and started to walk in a random direction. I chose to walk down an alleyway that was barely wide enough to accomodate a single car going in one direction, and checked to make sure that I wouldn't get hit by anybody going to or from the subway station.
The alley was lined on both sides with short apartment buildings. Laundry hung outside to dry here and there, some of the locals' doors were open to let the heat out and a breeze in, and I even saw a few people watching TV inside their cozy places. I passed by an older lady, and though she gave me a bit of a stare as I passed, I just half-grinned at her and kept on my way. I walked for a while down this alleyway and past several dozen more tiny apartment complexes, and when they were all behind me, my journey continued down a non-descript road filled with zooming cars. It was a peaceful walk, and though there wasn't much to see, I was still satisfied that I could cross this stop off my list, and turn around to go back to the subway station to see one of the last few things that was labeled on my map.
But at that moment, off in the distance, I saw a two-story temple erupting out from behind a gas station in front of me. I figured I might as well head over to see what was what before I headed back. It was beautifully decorated, and for a temple of its massive size, it was almost completely deserted. There were a few locals here and there praying, but for the most part, I was almost completely alone. I wandered around quietly so as not to disturb my spiritual neighbors, then went up a flight of stairs that led around the back part of the temple. From up there, I could see that I was pretty close to the ocean, and I saw a beautiful sight that some other buildings had obscured before: there was a biking and jogging trail that cut between the lapping waves of the ocean, and the thick grasses of a forested plain that waved in the breeze. Having seen the beauty of the temple, I decided it was time to go natural and see the trail.
But as I was leaving the temple, I heard a familiar music beat. It had been a while since I had heard this song, but once I had followed it to its source and it was loud enough, I placed it immediately: it was "The Man with the Machine Gun" from the soundtrack for Final Fantasy 8, my favorite video game of all time. I snickered and wondered why they'd be playing this song at a temple of all places. The song was coming from an arm of the temple, way off to the side, so I walked over to it and peeked in.
The arm was a long and tall, but quite narrow, hallway that led back into the internals of the temple. The song was being piped in through a PA system above me, and on both sides of this narrow arm were several centerpieces featuring elaborately designed scenes, where intricately carved dolls and puppets were positioned. From where I had come in to where the path led out, I saw that it showed the history of the country. Some of the pieces showed dolls fishing, others showed how the locals dealt with historic invaders and subsequent occupation, and the last one showed the country as it is today: a mix of old traditions and new culture and experiences. It was quite an amazing scene, something I never expected to accidentally stumble upon. When I had finished looking around, I left the temple and headed to the nature trail.
There were several locals going up and down on bikes and on foot. With the temple behind me, to my right was the boundless, rolling ocean and several boats sailing upon it. To my left was a huge, absolutely massive field of tall grass, and a forest that semi-circled its way far, far behind it. I could see where the buildings that I had walked by before were originally blocking my view of this place, just to the side of the forest. As I walked down this peaceful trail with locals all around me, the ocean sent gust after gust of relaxing wind past me and through the grass. It was serene.
The trail continued for about thirty minutes until I was skirting the forest itself. Eventually, I reached a T-intersection where the trail went straight towards some old houses, and left towards a massive canal. Amid the trees, I saw a couple of old, but cozy-looking, house-farms, and outside the one at the little intersection was a young local boy, who was drawing some pictures in the dirt. He looked up at me with mild surprise, then told me that I had to go left to get back to the subway station. I thanked him and moved on.
So at this point, the sun was starting to set, and I was feeling a bit beat. I followed the edge of the forest for a very brief time until I found myself at the canal that I saw earlier. I walked along the left side, casting occasional glances to the right and into the ditch, and to the left at some more house-farms.
The house-farms were amazingly beautiful. They were between me and the setting sun behind them, and the water where locals had planted submerged crops reflected the sun's rays as glittering cyclones of orange and red. I passed several farms, and every time I drew next to them, the sunlight found another way to cast lazy shadows over the buildings, or come off of the water to meet my eye. The canal was interesting, too. It was mostly dry and empty, but in some places there were tiny pools of water where trapped fish were desperately swimming around. Around those little pools were local fishermen, relishing the easy catches that these fish had made of themselves, and pulling them out to clean and sell at the market later. I admired their resourcefulness.
It wasn't long before I had walked all of the way back to the subway station. I was still pretty far from the stop that would take me home, so I decided to see just one more thing before I got there. On my map, there was very little left for me to see of the main city (that was labeled, at least). But one of those things was a sports stadium, and it was on the way home, so when the car pulled up to its stop, I got off and took a walk to go see it. I didn't know what I was expecting to see. I didn't know if there was anybody playing that day, what sport they would be playing, or even if I had the interest to go to a game. When I rounded several corners around brightly lit local shops with flasing signs advertising their varied wares, I finally found myself face to face with the stadium. And... it was closed.
I shook my head with a slight smile. Oh, no! I thought to myself. It's not going to end this way. So I just kept walking, looking for something amazing to end the trip with a bang. The roads around the stadium were huge, several lanes wide and covered in towering trees. It was night by then, and the streetlights seemed hardly enough to illuminate much more than a small circle of grass around them. It was eerie, and the perfect atmosphere for the final stop of my trip: an art museum.
The place had just closed up, and one by one, the lights were going out in the windows. I rushed over as fast as I could to go see what I could see, which turned out to not be much: the lobby was one of the last places to shut down, and I saw a marble statue of a woman and a beautiful landscape painting before it, too, went dark. When the entire building was swallowed up by the night, it was then that I noticed some spotlights at the corners pointing up at the top of the museum. I smiled and nodded my head in amazement; it looked like an unassailable fortress.
I checked my subway map and noticed that this museum was also on my list of things to see, but I didn't cross it or the stadium off the list. After all, I had barely seen either of them, so I couldn't very well say that I had the full stadium or museum experience. Shortly after, I was on the train heading home to a comfortable bed.
That was one of, if not the, last time I ever traveled as an unmarried man before my wife broke the news of her pregnancy. My old subway map is still in my memories box, and that stadium and museum still haven't been checked off. Maybe when my son is old enough, he and my wife are interested, my wife and I are both not working, the weather's not too bad and I have some money, I'll get to see them.
As for today...
I woke up at 10:30.
I played cars with my son.
I watched TV.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I surfed the net.
I hung up wet laundry.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I ate dinner.
I came home.
I took my son to eat at McDonald's, then we went home.
I watched TV.
I hung up wet laundry again.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I did the dishes.
I started a load of laundry.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I hung up wet laundry yet again.
I played video games.
I slept.
Time: Late 2007, single and at my apartment.
One day off from work, I decided to go out into town and see something that wasn't on my subway map. I don't remember where the stop was, but it's to be expected because I just picked a random place to go to, one that clearly had no touristy places labeled next to or around it. I knew something had to be there, and I was going to find out what... so after I got dressed and spiked my hair, I took a quick bus to the subway station to see what I could see that day.
When the subway car reached my destination, I got off and started to walk in a random direction. I chose to walk down an alleyway that was barely wide enough to accomodate a single car going in one direction, and checked to make sure that I wouldn't get hit by anybody going to or from the subway station.
The alley was lined on both sides with short apartment buildings. Laundry hung outside to dry here and there, some of the locals' doors were open to let the heat out and a breeze in, and I even saw a few people watching TV inside their cozy places. I passed by an older lady, and though she gave me a bit of a stare as I passed, I just half-grinned at her and kept on my way. I walked for a while down this alleyway and past several dozen more tiny apartment complexes, and when they were all behind me, my journey continued down a non-descript road filled with zooming cars. It was a peaceful walk, and though there wasn't much to see, I was still satisfied that I could cross this stop off my list, and turn around to go back to the subway station to see one of the last few things that was labeled on my map.
But at that moment, off in the distance, I saw a two-story temple erupting out from behind a gas station in front of me. I figured I might as well head over to see what was what before I headed back. It was beautifully decorated, and for a temple of its massive size, it was almost completely deserted. There were a few locals here and there praying, but for the most part, I was almost completely alone. I wandered around quietly so as not to disturb my spiritual neighbors, then went up a flight of stairs that led around the back part of the temple. From up there, I could see that I was pretty close to the ocean, and I saw a beautiful sight that some other buildings had obscured before: there was a biking and jogging trail that cut between the lapping waves of the ocean, and the thick grasses of a forested plain that waved in the breeze. Having seen the beauty of the temple, I decided it was time to go natural and see the trail.
But as I was leaving the temple, I heard a familiar music beat. It had been a while since I had heard this song, but once I had followed it to its source and it was loud enough, I placed it immediately: it was "The Man with the Machine Gun" from the soundtrack for Final Fantasy 8, my favorite video game of all time. I snickered and wondered why they'd be playing this song at a temple of all places. The song was coming from an arm of the temple, way off to the side, so I walked over to it and peeked in.
The arm was a long and tall, but quite narrow, hallway that led back into the internals of the temple. The song was being piped in through a PA system above me, and on both sides of this narrow arm were several centerpieces featuring elaborately designed scenes, where intricately carved dolls and puppets were positioned. From where I had come in to where the path led out, I saw that it showed the history of the country. Some of the pieces showed dolls fishing, others showed how the locals dealt with historic invaders and subsequent occupation, and the last one showed the country as it is today: a mix of old traditions and new culture and experiences. It was quite an amazing scene, something I never expected to accidentally stumble upon. When I had finished looking around, I left the temple and headed to the nature trail.
There were several locals going up and down on bikes and on foot. With the temple behind me, to my right was the boundless, rolling ocean and several boats sailing upon it. To my left was a huge, absolutely massive field of tall grass, and a forest that semi-circled its way far, far behind it. I could see where the buildings that I had walked by before were originally blocking my view of this place, just to the side of the forest. As I walked down this peaceful trail with locals all around me, the ocean sent gust after gust of relaxing wind past me and through the grass. It was serene.
The trail continued for about thirty minutes until I was skirting the forest itself. Eventually, I reached a T-intersection where the trail went straight towards some old houses, and left towards a massive canal. Amid the trees, I saw a couple of old, but cozy-looking, house-farms, and outside the one at the little intersection was a young local boy, who was drawing some pictures in the dirt. He looked up at me with mild surprise, then told me that I had to go left to get back to the subway station. I thanked him and moved on.
So at this point, the sun was starting to set, and I was feeling a bit beat. I followed the edge of the forest for a very brief time until I found myself at the canal that I saw earlier. I walked along the left side, casting occasional glances to the right and into the ditch, and to the left at some more house-farms.
The house-farms were amazingly beautiful. They were between me and the setting sun behind them, and the water where locals had planted submerged crops reflected the sun's rays as glittering cyclones of orange and red. I passed several farms, and every time I drew next to them, the sunlight found another way to cast lazy shadows over the buildings, or come off of the water to meet my eye. The canal was interesting, too. It was mostly dry and empty, but in some places there were tiny pools of water where trapped fish were desperately swimming around. Around those little pools were local fishermen, relishing the easy catches that these fish had made of themselves, and pulling them out to clean and sell at the market later. I admired their resourcefulness.
It wasn't long before I had walked all of the way back to the subway station. I was still pretty far from the stop that would take me home, so I decided to see just one more thing before I got there. On my map, there was very little left for me to see of the main city (that was labeled, at least). But one of those things was a sports stadium, and it was on the way home, so when the car pulled up to its stop, I got off and took a walk to go see it. I didn't know what I was expecting to see. I didn't know if there was anybody playing that day, what sport they would be playing, or even if I had the interest to go to a game. When I rounded several corners around brightly lit local shops with flasing signs advertising their varied wares, I finally found myself face to face with the stadium. And... it was closed.
I shook my head with a slight smile. Oh, no! I thought to myself. It's not going to end this way. So I just kept walking, looking for something amazing to end the trip with a bang. The roads around the stadium were huge, several lanes wide and covered in towering trees. It was night by then, and the streetlights seemed hardly enough to illuminate much more than a small circle of grass around them. It was eerie, and the perfect atmosphere for the final stop of my trip: an art museum.
The place had just closed up, and one by one, the lights were going out in the windows. I rushed over as fast as I could to go see what I could see, which turned out to not be much: the lobby was one of the last places to shut down, and I saw a marble statue of a woman and a beautiful landscape painting before it, too, went dark. When the entire building was swallowed up by the night, it was then that I noticed some spotlights at the corners pointing up at the top of the museum. I smiled and nodded my head in amazement; it looked like an unassailable fortress.
I checked my subway map and noticed that this museum was also on my list of things to see, but I didn't cross it or the stadium off the list. After all, I had barely seen either of them, so I couldn't very well say that I had the full stadium or museum experience. Shortly after, I was on the train heading home to a comfortable bed.
That was one of, if not the, last time I ever traveled as an unmarried man before my wife broke the news of her pregnancy. My old subway map is still in my memories box, and that stadium and museum still haven't been checked off. Maybe when my son is old enough, he and my wife are interested, my wife and I are both not working, the weather's not too bad and I have some money, I'll get to see them.
As for today...
I woke up at 10:30.
I played cars with my son.
I watched TV.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I surfed the net.
I hung up wet laundry.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I ate dinner.
I came home.
I took my son to eat at McDonald's, then we went home.
I watched TV.
I hung up wet laundry again.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I did the dishes.
I started a load of laundry.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I hung up wet laundry yet again.
I played video games.
I slept.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Then and Now 17 - The Two Who Saved My Life
Then and Now 17 - The Two Who Saved My Life
Time: Mid-2007, at my bud's aunt's place, and single at the hostel.
I'll start this Then and Now a bit farther down.
First, even though this has little to do with marriage, I can't let what my best friend has done for me go unsaid. Were it not for him, I would never have had my time as an awesome, unmarried man. Back in my high school days, two really serious things went down in my life. In both of those times, I was a very, very short decision away from running away from home and probably ending up dead on the streets. Even the members of my family that weren't the source of my pain weren't enough to keep me from making that decision. I wasn't all that close to anybody in my family until I was in college, and in my depressed, teenaged mind, they would all have been better off without me.
It was my best friend that kept me from throwing it all away. It wasn't just the fun times we had together, or the talks we had about life, or the unspoken support he offered me while I was still in America. He was my inspiration, my hero, even. All those things I mentioned about myself before I got married (in my Freedom post) were things that I was inspired to by my best friend: the charisma, the humor, the cool exterior, the passionate inside, they were all things I learned from him. He was those things, and I wanted to be him. Just knowing that there was hope, however slim, that I could come out of my depressed days and get to where he was in life, kept me from making that decision to run.
My best friend was the first person to save my life. He kept me alive and living a life of hope, even in my darkest moments. I'm eternally in his debt for what he has done for me. And because of him, I met the second person who saved my life, this time in college.
It wasn't a magical process for me to eradicate my depression. I tried so many things to get better: prayer, positive thinking, leaving school, magic, talking with people about my problems, complaining, ignoring my issues, asking girls on dates... but nothing worked. It was at that time that a girl, Leena, came into my life, and turned everything around. I didn't know her that well at first; she was just an acquaintance of my apartmentmate. We talked a bit, and I thought she was cute, but I didn't bother getting to know her at first. But as she started coming around more and more, I felt less scared around her. And after a time, I started to lust after her. I thought she could be the girl who I not only slept with for the first time, but the girl who could fix my life for me. And yet, no matter how many times that fat, hairy, boring loser I was asked her out, she always said no. Go figure.
It was my 21st birthday when it happened. I was on my way to work at a cafeteria on campus, and at the suicidal bottom of one of my depression waves that usually lasted for several hours before returning me to a steady unhappiness and unease. And out of nowhere, there she was. In this entire city-sized campus, she just happened to meet me right there. She saw that I wasn't looking happy, and asked if I was ok. I don't know why, but I just spilled my guts right there: my family, my depression, everything.
Then she asked me a simple question. It was a question that broke through my exterior, sliced right through me and drove itself right into my soul. I would never be the same after she put it to me:
"Do you want to get better?"
The world spun. I was in absolute shock, and thoughts raced through my mind in a fraction of a second. Did I want to stop blaming others for my problems? Did I want to take charge of my own life? Did I want to change the person I was, and become someone completely different? Would I take that responsibility on my shoulders, and stop coasting through life with a comfortable pain over an uncertain future?
And without further hesitation, I answered, "Yes."
No "if you'll go on a date with me." No "but I don't want to spend ten years doing it." No conditions, no negativity, just a simple, straight answer.
That question focused my mind on fixing myself more than anything before. No longer would I be content to blame my family, or self-diagnosed illnesses that I didn't have, for ruining my life. It was all on me from then on. Within the next year, I dug down deep within my heart and found all the reasons I was depressed. I focused all of my thinking away from depression or anger, and instead on confidence and forward-looking. I forgave or forgot everyone in my life that hurt me, and slowly formed my goal to be an honorable, married man (that second goal would later ruin me), and never again stopped fighting for my happiness. It took me a week to stop feeling suicidal, a month for the worst of my depression to leave, three months for the bulk of it to be gone, and a year to destroy every last trace of it. And just five months after I made that pledge to Leena, I started dating my first girlfriend.
After things fell through with my first and we mutually broke it off, I started working minimum wage jobs to support myself while I tried to find my goal in life. I knew who I wanted to be, but not what I wanted to do. I already mentioned before that my good bud got me to travel with him to this country, and that was what helped me to formulate my goal of going abroad and experiencing life. But to tell the truth, it wasn't just him. Leena is originally from this country, and I wasn't just going abroad to become a new man and live my new dream. That was the biggest reason, of course, but the other was that she moved back to this country just as my good bud asked me to travel with him. I wanted to be with her, so I came to see her.
I started getting back into contact with Leena while I was still at my bud's aunt's place. We set up a time to meet through email, and Leena invited me and my bud to see one of the heads of her church, Daniel. I met and talked with him a lot in America, and I had no idea he lived so close to my bud's aunt. So after I got the time all set up for us to meet, only a day or two went by before Leena and Daniel came to pick up my bud and I and take us to a vegetarian restaurant.
And there she was, this amazing, beautiful, friendly, smart and funny girl that I had pined for for several years. I could barely contain my excitement while Daniel took all of us to eat, but I spent a lot of my time in the car and at the restaurant talking and playing with Daniel's little son, who had looked up to me as a big brother for several years in America.
When we got to the restaurant, I ate one little piece of everything in the shop, because there were just so many choices. Leena taught me how to say, "I ate one of everything" in the local language while I was at it. Daniel even came to my aid when I was showing off my up and coming skill at the local language. At one point, I said the word for "hotel" that I learned from the dictionary, then my bud started to bust my balls about how it was the wrong word. Daniel then took on the stern old uncle personality and told my bud that I was entirely correct, because I was talking about a certain kind of hotel. My bud smirked and shrugged his shoulders in surrender, and I beamed with pride.
We talked and ate for about an hour before Daniel took us all home. And it was only a little bit after I moved to the hostel that I was able to set up a time for Leena and I to meet up again. A quick subway ride after I got her email, I saw the inimitable, intelligent beauty that was Leena once again. I think I blushed a bit there, but I kept my feelings in check. She took me past a bunch of shops to her friend's house, where we all ate lunch together. I told jokes, shared stories of my experiences in her country, listened as they shared their religious beliefs with me, practiced my language skills, and played some games with their kids. Leena took me back to the subway about an hour later, and we met up with another of her friends and his family a few days later. It was much the same fun experience as my time with her first friend's family, but I scared these people's little girl on accident while I was playing ball with her.
On yet another day, Leena took me on a trip up into the mountains to have a picnic with her and her friends. We all met up at the foot of the mountain and chatted for a bit, then loaded up in separate cars and drove up winding roads looking over amazing views of the forests and city below. When we neared the top, we all got out and took a healthy hike up for the rest of the trip. It was a hot day, and the road was covered in dirt from the mountains above. We also saw some wild, homeless dogs sleeping to the side.
The picnic area was a very comfortable spot shaded by trees and at the foot of a very mild hill. It also had a communal barbecue grill for anyone to cook in. We ate so much food up there that I thought I would explode. Leena and I ate with a dozen of her friends, and families from all over the city. Everyone spoke in English that day out of respect for me and my ok skills, but I tried to converse in the local language when I could. I talked with Leena a lot, too, while we sat around in some trees. I knew she came back to take care of her sick father, so I listened as she simply (and humbly) just told me about the long hours at her job. When the day ended, we all went back down the mountain. But instead of going back to the hostel by myself, I went to an independent supermarket to pick up something healthy for Leena's dad. I got a box of Special K, because I wasn't sure if he could take vitamins or something stronger.
I delivered this gift to her at our final meeting together, when I went to her church to meet more of her friends. We talked a lot about life and the importance of helping others with her friends, and when I got Leena by herself, we discussed her parents, dreams and work, and also how much I had grown. After dinner, and meeting the head of her church (a nice old guy with a lot of stories to tell), Leena took me back outside to walk me to the subway station. And it was there that I made my move.
I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner with me sometime. She asked, "As a date?" so I said yes. She got quiet for a bit, then said that she had to think about it, because she was so busy working and taking care of her father. I held out the optimistic thought that she actually meant what she said, but truth be told, I've heard the "I'm not all that into you, but I don't know how to let you down without hurting you" response enough times to know that that's what I was getting.
Still, I didn't let her response get me down. Two days later, I woke up in the hostel with the morning sun settled just behind some high rises far to the east, and in my hand was my cellphone. Since some time had passed, I thought Leena had had enough time to think, so I was going to call her and get her final response. I dialed, pressed the phone to my ear, and was ready to date her.
But as I looked out the window and on the city from that high floor, I was overcome by a sense of smallness, wonder and adventure. Cars were going up and down roads cutting between huge buildings, people were on the streets and ready to live another day, and here I was to experience it all.
"Hello?" Leena said.
I smiled, still looking outside. "Hey, Leena!" I replied. "Listen, I'm sorry for putting you on the spot that night. I know you're really busy taking care of your father and working so hard, and I shouldn't have bugged you about a date."
"Oh!" she responded in surprise.
"Yep. Don't worry about what I said," I replied, "just concentrate on your family for now. That's the most important thing."
"Ok, thanks a lot!" she said back. "I will."
"No problem. Gotta go, you stay cool and let me know if you need anything," I said.
"Ok, goodbye!" she replied.
I let her go. We had two different paths to follow in life, and while hers took her down the road of support for her family, I had a world to explore. Looking out of that window, I knew that life was an adventure, and the only person who could see me through to experience it was myself. That's what the two people who saved my life taught me.
As for today...
I woke up at 12:00.
My wife took our son to his grandma's house.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home, so I turned off the game.
I ate lunch.
I took my son to the arcade, then we went home.
I watched internet movies with him.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I roughhoused with my son.
I watched internet movies with him.
I surfed the net.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I played video games.
I slept.
Time: Mid-2007, at my bud's aunt's place, and single at the hostel.
I'll start this Then and Now a bit farther down.
First, even though this has little to do with marriage, I can't let what my best friend has done for me go unsaid. Were it not for him, I would never have had my time as an awesome, unmarried man. Back in my high school days, two really serious things went down in my life. In both of those times, I was a very, very short decision away from running away from home and probably ending up dead on the streets. Even the members of my family that weren't the source of my pain weren't enough to keep me from making that decision. I wasn't all that close to anybody in my family until I was in college, and in my depressed, teenaged mind, they would all have been better off without me.
It was my best friend that kept me from throwing it all away. It wasn't just the fun times we had together, or the talks we had about life, or the unspoken support he offered me while I was still in America. He was my inspiration, my hero, even. All those things I mentioned about myself before I got married (in my Freedom post) were things that I was inspired to by my best friend: the charisma, the humor, the cool exterior, the passionate inside, they were all things I learned from him. He was those things, and I wanted to be him. Just knowing that there was hope, however slim, that I could come out of my depressed days and get to where he was in life, kept me from making that decision to run.
My best friend was the first person to save my life. He kept me alive and living a life of hope, even in my darkest moments. I'm eternally in his debt for what he has done for me. And because of him, I met the second person who saved my life, this time in college.
It wasn't a magical process for me to eradicate my depression. I tried so many things to get better: prayer, positive thinking, leaving school, magic, talking with people about my problems, complaining, ignoring my issues, asking girls on dates... but nothing worked. It was at that time that a girl, Leena, came into my life, and turned everything around. I didn't know her that well at first; she was just an acquaintance of my apartmentmate. We talked a bit, and I thought she was cute, but I didn't bother getting to know her at first. But as she started coming around more and more, I felt less scared around her. And after a time, I started to lust after her. I thought she could be the girl who I not only slept with for the first time, but the girl who could fix my life for me. And yet, no matter how many times that fat, hairy, boring loser I was asked her out, she always said no. Go figure.
It was my 21st birthday when it happened. I was on my way to work at a cafeteria on campus, and at the suicidal bottom of one of my depression waves that usually lasted for several hours before returning me to a steady unhappiness and unease. And out of nowhere, there she was. In this entire city-sized campus, she just happened to meet me right there. She saw that I wasn't looking happy, and asked if I was ok. I don't know why, but I just spilled my guts right there: my family, my depression, everything.
Then she asked me a simple question. It was a question that broke through my exterior, sliced right through me and drove itself right into my soul. I would never be the same after she put it to me:
"Do you want to get better?"
The world spun. I was in absolute shock, and thoughts raced through my mind in a fraction of a second. Did I want to stop blaming others for my problems? Did I want to take charge of my own life? Did I want to change the person I was, and become someone completely different? Would I take that responsibility on my shoulders, and stop coasting through life with a comfortable pain over an uncertain future?
And without further hesitation, I answered, "Yes."
No "if you'll go on a date with me." No "but I don't want to spend ten years doing it." No conditions, no negativity, just a simple, straight answer.
That question focused my mind on fixing myself more than anything before. No longer would I be content to blame my family, or self-diagnosed illnesses that I didn't have, for ruining my life. It was all on me from then on. Within the next year, I dug down deep within my heart and found all the reasons I was depressed. I focused all of my thinking away from depression or anger, and instead on confidence and forward-looking. I forgave or forgot everyone in my life that hurt me, and slowly formed my goal to be an honorable, married man (that second goal would later ruin me), and never again stopped fighting for my happiness. It took me a week to stop feeling suicidal, a month for the worst of my depression to leave, three months for the bulk of it to be gone, and a year to destroy every last trace of it. And just five months after I made that pledge to Leena, I started dating my first girlfriend.
After things fell through with my first and we mutually broke it off, I started working minimum wage jobs to support myself while I tried to find my goal in life. I knew who I wanted to be, but not what I wanted to do. I already mentioned before that my good bud got me to travel with him to this country, and that was what helped me to formulate my goal of going abroad and experiencing life. But to tell the truth, it wasn't just him. Leena is originally from this country, and I wasn't just going abroad to become a new man and live my new dream. That was the biggest reason, of course, but the other was that she moved back to this country just as my good bud asked me to travel with him. I wanted to be with her, so I came to see her.
I started getting back into contact with Leena while I was still at my bud's aunt's place. We set up a time to meet through email, and Leena invited me and my bud to see one of the heads of her church, Daniel. I met and talked with him a lot in America, and I had no idea he lived so close to my bud's aunt. So after I got the time all set up for us to meet, only a day or two went by before Leena and Daniel came to pick up my bud and I and take us to a vegetarian restaurant.
And there she was, this amazing, beautiful, friendly, smart and funny girl that I had pined for for several years. I could barely contain my excitement while Daniel took all of us to eat, but I spent a lot of my time in the car and at the restaurant talking and playing with Daniel's little son, who had looked up to me as a big brother for several years in America.
When we got to the restaurant, I ate one little piece of everything in the shop, because there were just so many choices. Leena taught me how to say, "I ate one of everything" in the local language while I was at it. Daniel even came to my aid when I was showing off my up and coming skill at the local language. At one point, I said the word for "hotel" that I learned from the dictionary, then my bud started to bust my balls about how it was the wrong word. Daniel then took on the stern old uncle personality and told my bud that I was entirely correct, because I was talking about a certain kind of hotel. My bud smirked and shrugged his shoulders in surrender, and I beamed with pride.
We talked and ate for about an hour before Daniel took us all home. And it was only a little bit after I moved to the hostel that I was able to set up a time for Leena and I to meet up again. A quick subway ride after I got her email, I saw the inimitable, intelligent beauty that was Leena once again. I think I blushed a bit there, but I kept my feelings in check. She took me past a bunch of shops to her friend's house, where we all ate lunch together. I told jokes, shared stories of my experiences in her country, listened as they shared their religious beliefs with me, practiced my language skills, and played some games with their kids. Leena took me back to the subway about an hour later, and we met up with another of her friends and his family a few days later. It was much the same fun experience as my time with her first friend's family, but I scared these people's little girl on accident while I was playing ball with her.
On yet another day, Leena took me on a trip up into the mountains to have a picnic with her and her friends. We all met up at the foot of the mountain and chatted for a bit, then loaded up in separate cars and drove up winding roads looking over amazing views of the forests and city below. When we neared the top, we all got out and took a healthy hike up for the rest of the trip. It was a hot day, and the road was covered in dirt from the mountains above. We also saw some wild, homeless dogs sleeping to the side.
The picnic area was a very comfortable spot shaded by trees and at the foot of a very mild hill. It also had a communal barbecue grill for anyone to cook in. We ate so much food up there that I thought I would explode. Leena and I ate with a dozen of her friends, and families from all over the city. Everyone spoke in English that day out of respect for me and my ok skills, but I tried to converse in the local language when I could. I talked with Leena a lot, too, while we sat around in some trees. I knew she came back to take care of her sick father, so I listened as she simply (and humbly) just told me about the long hours at her job. When the day ended, we all went back down the mountain. But instead of going back to the hostel by myself, I went to an independent supermarket to pick up something healthy for Leena's dad. I got a box of Special K, because I wasn't sure if he could take vitamins or something stronger.
I delivered this gift to her at our final meeting together, when I went to her church to meet more of her friends. We talked a lot about life and the importance of helping others with her friends, and when I got Leena by herself, we discussed her parents, dreams and work, and also how much I had grown. After dinner, and meeting the head of her church (a nice old guy with a lot of stories to tell), Leena took me back outside to walk me to the subway station. And it was there that I made my move.
I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner with me sometime. She asked, "As a date?" so I said yes. She got quiet for a bit, then said that she had to think about it, because she was so busy working and taking care of her father. I held out the optimistic thought that she actually meant what she said, but truth be told, I've heard the "I'm not all that into you, but I don't know how to let you down without hurting you" response enough times to know that that's what I was getting.
Still, I didn't let her response get me down. Two days later, I woke up in the hostel with the morning sun settled just behind some high rises far to the east, and in my hand was my cellphone. Since some time had passed, I thought Leena had had enough time to think, so I was going to call her and get her final response. I dialed, pressed the phone to my ear, and was ready to date her.
But as I looked out the window and on the city from that high floor, I was overcome by a sense of smallness, wonder and adventure. Cars were going up and down roads cutting between huge buildings, people were on the streets and ready to live another day, and here I was to experience it all.
"Hello?" Leena said.
I smiled, still looking outside. "Hey, Leena!" I replied. "Listen, I'm sorry for putting you on the spot that night. I know you're really busy taking care of your father and working so hard, and I shouldn't have bugged you about a date."
"Oh!" she responded in surprise.
"Yep. Don't worry about what I said," I replied, "just concentrate on your family for now. That's the most important thing."
"Ok, thanks a lot!" she said back. "I will."
"No problem. Gotta go, you stay cool and let me know if you need anything," I said.
"Ok, goodbye!" she replied.
I let her go. We had two different paths to follow in life, and while hers took her down the road of support for her family, I had a world to explore. Looking out of that window, I knew that life was an adventure, and the only person who could see me through to experience it was myself. That's what the two people who saved my life taught me.
As for today...
I woke up at 12:00.
My wife took our son to his grandma's house.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home, so I turned off the game.
I ate lunch.
I took my son to the arcade, then we went home.
I watched internet movies with him.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I roughhoused with my son.
I watched internet movies with him.
I surfed the net.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I played video games.
I slept.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Then and Now 16 - To the City
Then and Now 16 - To the City
Time: Mid-2007, at my bud's aunt's place.
This Then and Now will be a little odd. First, it takes place over three days, so I'm going to compare it to three days in my married life. It also shows me in the middle of my adjustment and unhappy time while I was abroad, because this set of experiences predates Then and Now 2 by a few days. Finally, it may seem a bit jumpy or incomplete at points because I was still not terribly happy with my new life (I was wasting it, after all), so my memory gets hazy here and there.
One day, while wasting another fine day abroad in my bud's aunt's place playing PSP, my bud's aunt came in and started talking in the local language with her nephew. When she was finished, she left, and my bud translated for me. He said that his father and sister were in town, they were going to head to the city, and they wanted us to come, too. My bud's aunt was also tired of seeing the two of us sitting around her house and doing nothing, and wanted us to get out and do something for once.
I initially protested. I asked my bud if he could tell his aunt and uncle that I'd rather save some money and stay put for the time being. I promised I would be quiet and not bother anybody, and that I would take care of my own food. My bud, to his eternal credit and my current appreciation, absolutely refused. Not only did he see how much of a lazy loser I was being, but he didn't want to bother his aunt with a request so selfish and weird (a foreign guy staying alone with an older local lady). I got silent, my way of showing that I accepted his terms, but wasn't happy about it.
The day passed quickly, with me just sitting around doing nothing with my bud, and we went to sleep. When we woke up, I no longer felt unhappy about going with everyone, but I did feel like the trip wouldn't compare to killing monsters in Spectral Souls. I prepared myself for boredom.
My bud and I packed up a few days' worth of clothes in our suitcases, then his father flagged down a taxi to take us to the train station. We got there with plenty of time to spare, so my bud and I went outside on the second floor to look at the city. I think this was the first moment that I got a good look at the city proper. The only other times I had been up this high was during the plane ride, where I couldn't see squat, and the third floor of my bud's aunt's place, where every window faced the wall of another building. Up there, I was able to see a lot of the city all at once. I didn't really appreciate the view back then, but I still remember the look of the discolored, towering buildings shading many hundreds of people walking about below, and a sky full of puffy clouds above us. My bud was smoking out there, and I decided to join him before the train showed up.
I don't remember much of anything about the train trip, other than that it was very, very long, being from one side of the country to the other and all. I guess having my PSP really helped pass the time. The only thing I remember was that when the train had come to a stop, one of the locals said, "PSP!" as he walked by, then scurried out the door. I put it away, embarrassed.
The first thing my bud, his father and sister and I did was head to the main train/bus/subway station to get us three younger travelers a quick access subway card, because we were going to be doing a lot of traveling there. Before I knew it, we were at the stop where our hotel was. We came out on the second floor of a two story train station that looked out over it, and it was a very nice place: there were trees lining the path leading up into it, and there was a little lake with ducks and fish outside. My bud and I went to our room, your typical, cozy hotel quarters. We locked up our stuff, and I left my PSP behind.
It was getting dark then. We met up with his sister and went to a nearby market where people were shopping and enjoying the night air. It felt strange, like no matter where I went, people were doing nothing but shopping, and that there was nothing more interesting to life. But I decided not to let first impressions get me down, and tried to enjoy myself. Soon enough, I was having fun walking around with the other two, checking out the wares of the shops and picking up a few snacks to eat. I was feeling better about our little trip across the country little by little. The trip culminated with me going to a souvenir shop and buying a little pencil topper shaped like Squall Leonhart, and I still have it in my memories box. After the three of us went home and slept, I decided to keep giving it my best and enjoy the trip we were having.
The next day, we went to an underground mall to go shopping. I bought a little alarm clock in the shape of a pig, and it played several songs. One rousing ditty is still firmly in my memory, because I used it to wake myself up nearly every morning for work while I was at my apartment. We walked for a bit until we came to a very big, enclosed hall. Behind us was the path leading back to the subway, and ahead was a long and winding road that led past hundreds of shops on its way to another subway stop, in case people wanted to walk to their destination and shop on the way. The ceiling was a good hundred feet tall, and there were fountains and plants all around for a very aesthetic touch.
Near a couple of those fountains, there were several groups of teenagers and young adults dancing to music. I asked my bud what they were doing, and he said they were practicing for a competition. I said I was going to walk up to one of the groups and ask to dance with them just for fun, but luckily, my bud stopped me before I made a fool of myself and said that they were too busy to entertain a guest. We watched them for a while before moving on to window shop a bit.
Later, we all went to a beautiful shopping spot by the ocean. It was my first time there, and I was in awe of the ocean sitting right below and next to a busy street with zooming cars going left and right. Every part of the ocean I had ever been to in America was at least a thousand feet from the nearest road. I had a lot more fun at the outdoor market over there than the one from the day before, while the three of us all walked up narrow alleys with tons of shops on either side.
The first place my bud and I got stuck on was a gag shop filled with tons of sexual stuff. Toys, cards, posters, DVDs, it was glutted from wall to wall with some hilariously tasteless stuff. The best thing we saw, and joked about for weeks to come, was a picture of a woman having sex with a giant bee. My bud, his sister and I then took a little boat ride around the ocean for about thirty minutes. We had to wear these geeky life jackets while we were out there, I guess because a lot of the people in this country don't know how to swim. It was a relaxing little trip, and I dipped my hand into the water and caught an old cup that was just floating around in the water while we were sailing, just for fun.
We went back to shore, then after walking around for a while, we met up with my bud's father and more of his family, and we all went to a restaurant to get some seafood near the beach. I don't really like seafood, so I munched on a lot of veggies and bread and drank a lot of soda. But when I caught people looking at me, I popped some of the nasty things in my mouth. Everyone talked in the local language, and I hadn't started my studies yet, so I just politely listened. My bud tried to engage me at points to keep me from feeling too left out, though, and we talked about old times, Guitar Hero and a few other unrelated topics.
When dinner was done, we all went to my bud's other aunt's house to gear up for another trip. We all talked in a mix of English and the local language, and everyone was very patient with me and my poor skills. When the topic of their broken computer came up, I was told it was because their cat had chewed the mouse's cord beyond repair. I quipped, "So the cat killed the mouse?" It wasn't that funny, but everyone laughed for quite a while. Before we headed out to see another part of the city, I changed a lot of my American money with my bud's aunt to the local currency, all for top dollar and no fees. I think, in hindsight, that that move helped me to eat for the month I was in the red after I got my first job. Our last stop was another market, but nothing really spectacular happened here, except eating some delicious food and walking around.
We went home, slept, and woke up to go travel around a bit more. My bud, his sister and I walked around the little pond, discussing the ducks, her plan to move abroad with her boyfriend, tons of little things like that. I was still a bit shy back then, so I mostly listened. After that, my bud's uncle took us all to a restaurant in a department store to get lunch. The greeter welcomed us warmly, and we headed up a few floors to get our bites to eat. There wasn't much to say about the experience except that the food was excellent, my bud's uncle's English was excellent and he spoke happily with everyone, and there was a spectacular view of a park through a very wide, clear window behind me.
A bit later, we all took a bus to the beach. It was a very long ride that took us through wide roads winding around many, many mountains. There were little TVs in the bus, and I entertained myself by trying to figure out what everyone was saying and doing on the talk show we were watching. The beach was fantastic. When we got there, my bud and I split off from his sister and father, and we took a little walk around a miniature garden that led up to a gazebo overlooking the ocean. We stood there, talking about old times, our current experiences in the country, and what we were going to do about housing when we inevitably had to leave his aunt's house. The ocean was as amazing as ever.
After that, the two of us met up with his family inside of a medium-sized, glass-windowed building where my bud's father or uncle apparently had friends. I say this because we were all allowed up to the VIP break room a couple of floors up, where my bud and I severely abused the free coffee and crackers they had out for employees. We ate and talked for a while, then when it started to get on in the afternoon, we took another bus back to the hotel.
Our final excursion for this trip was heading to another seafood restaurant. The bus ride over there was pretty exciting. First, we traveled through the extremely busy downtown area, and I was a bit nervous that the bus driver would hit someone. All the drivers were being very aggressive, including ours, but we still made it in one piece. We passed a lot of little shrines dotting a grassy mountain to our side just before we arrived, too. On the way into the restaurant, I noticed some guy in a car smash over someone's motorcycle. I stared in shock as he just got out, picked it up, then drove off without leaving a note. Ass.
The restaurant itself was a nice little place filled with neon signs advertising all sorts of drinks. There was a little fridge to take out bottled soda (I hadn't drunk anything but canned in ages), and the buffet was packed with all kinds of fish. I took a couple to be nice again, but mostly filled up on salad, candy and drinks. Then everyone talked in the local language, my bud came to my rescue again, and that was about it. That was my trip; we headed back to my bud's aunt's place shortly after.
Maybe it was this trip that got me ready to start living in Then and Now 2, who knows. But one thing is certain: those few days where I was pulled away from my video games, under duress, to have fun, were a lot more entertaining and fulfilling than any day I've lived in the last several years.
As for the last three days of my life...
Day 1
I woke up at 10:30.
I talked with my wife.
I went back to sleep.
I woke up again at 12:30.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I ate lunch.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I roughhoused with my son.
I did the dishes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I played video games.
I slept.
Day 2
I woke up at 9:00.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I went out to tutor a student.
I came home to an empty house.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home.
I ate dinner.
I played video games.
I hung up wet laundry.
I took my wife and son to the arcade, then we went to the bank, then we went home.
I talked with my wife.
I played cars with my son.
I did the dishes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I played video games.
I slept.
Day 3
I woke up at 10:30.
I went out to tutor students.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I ate dinner.
I watched DVDs with my wife.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I went out to tutor a student.
I came home.
I did the dishes.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I hung up wet laundry.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I played video games.
I slept.
Time: Mid-2007, at my bud's aunt's place.
This Then and Now will be a little odd. First, it takes place over three days, so I'm going to compare it to three days in my married life. It also shows me in the middle of my adjustment and unhappy time while I was abroad, because this set of experiences predates Then and Now 2 by a few days. Finally, it may seem a bit jumpy or incomplete at points because I was still not terribly happy with my new life (I was wasting it, after all), so my memory gets hazy here and there.
One day, while wasting another fine day abroad in my bud's aunt's place playing PSP, my bud's aunt came in and started talking in the local language with her nephew. When she was finished, she left, and my bud translated for me. He said that his father and sister were in town, they were going to head to the city, and they wanted us to come, too. My bud's aunt was also tired of seeing the two of us sitting around her house and doing nothing, and wanted us to get out and do something for once.
I initially protested. I asked my bud if he could tell his aunt and uncle that I'd rather save some money and stay put for the time being. I promised I would be quiet and not bother anybody, and that I would take care of my own food. My bud, to his eternal credit and my current appreciation, absolutely refused. Not only did he see how much of a lazy loser I was being, but he didn't want to bother his aunt with a request so selfish and weird (a foreign guy staying alone with an older local lady). I got silent, my way of showing that I accepted his terms, but wasn't happy about it.
The day passed quickly, with me just sitting around doing nothing with my bud, and we went to sleep. When we woke up, I no longer felt unhappy about going with everyone, but I did feel like the trip wouldn't compare to killing monsters in Spectral Souls. I prepared myself for boredom.
My bud and I packed up a few days' worth of clothes in our suitcases, then his father flagged down a taxi to take us to the train station. We got there with plenty of time to spare, so my bud and I went outside on the second floor to look at the city. I think this was the first moment that I got a good look at the city proper. The only other times I had been up this high was during the plane ride, where I couldn't see squat, and the third floor of my bud's aunt's place, where every window faced the wall of another building. Up there, I was able to see a lot of the city all at once. I didn't really appreciate the view back then, but I still remember the look of the discolored, towering buildings shading many hundreds of people walking about below, and a sky full of puffy clouds above us. My bud was smoking out there, and I decided to join him before the train showed up.
I don't remember much of anything about the train trip, other than that it was very, very long, being from one side of the country to the other and all. I guess having my PSP really helped pass the time. The only thing I remember was that when the train had come to a stop, one of the locals said, "PSP!" as he walked by, then scurried out the door. I put it away, embarrassed.
The first thing my bud, his father and sister and I did was head to the main train/bus/subway station to get us three younger travelers a quick access subway card, because we were going to be doing a lot of traveling there. Before I knew it, we were at the stop where our hotel was. We came out on the second floor of a two story train station that looked out over it, and it was a very nice place: there were trees lining the path leading up into it, and there was a little lake with ducks and fish outside. My bud and I went to our room, your typical, cozy hotel quarters. We locked up our stuff, and I left my PSP behind.
It was getting dark then. We met up with his sister and went to a nearby market where people were shopping and enjoying the night air. It felt strange, like no matter where I went, people were doing nothing but shopping, and that there was nothing more interesting to life. But I decided not to let first impressions get me down, and tried to enjoy myself. Soon enough, I was having fun walking around with the other two, checking out the wares of the shops and picking up a few snacks to eat. I was feeling better about our little trip across the country little by little. The trip culminated with me going to a souvenir shop and buying a little pencil topper shaped like Squall Leonhart, and I still have it in my memories box. After the three of us went home and slept, I decided to keep giving it my best and enjoy the trip we were having.
The next day, we went to an underground mall to go shopping. I bought a little alarm clock in the shape of a pig, and it played several songs. One rousing ditty is still firmly in my memory, because I used it to wake myself up nearly every morning for work while I was at my apartment. We walked for a bit until we came to a very big, enclosed hall. Behind us was the path leading back to the subway, and ahead was a long and winding road that led past hundreds of shops on its way to another subway stop, in case people wanted to walk to their destination and shop on the way. The ceiling was a good hundred feet tall, and there were fountains and plants all around for a very aesthetic touch.
Near a couple of those fountains, there were several groups of teenagers and young adults dancing to music. I asked my bud what they were doing, and he said they were practicing for a competition. I said I was going to walk up to one of the groups and ask to dance with them just for fun, but luckily, my bud stopped me before I made a fool of myself and said that they were too busy to entertain a guest. We watched them for a while before moving on to window shop a bit.
Later, we all went to a beautiful shopping spot by the ocean. It was my first time there, and I was in awe of the ocean sitting right below and next to a busy street with zooming cars going left and right. Every part of the ocean I had ever been to in America was at least a thousand feet from the nearest road. I had a lot more fun at the outdoor market over there than the one from the day before, while the three of us all walked up narrow alleys with tons of shops on either side.
The first place my bud and I got stuck on was a gag shop filled with tons of sexual stuff. Toys, cards, posters, DVDs, it was glutted from wall to wall with some hilariously tasteless stuff. The best thing we saw, and joked about for weeks to come, was a picture of a woman having sex with a giant bee. My bud, his sister and I then took a little boat ride around the ocean for about thirty minutes. We had to wear these geeky life jackets while we were out there, I guess because a lot of the people in this country don't know how to swim. It was a relaxing little trip, and I dipped my hand into the water and caught an old cup that was just floating around in the water while we were sailing, just for fun.
We went back to shore, then after walking around for a while, we met up with my bud's father and more of his family, and we all went to a restaurant to get some seafood near the beach. I don't really like seafood, so I munched on a lot of veggies and bread and drank a lot of soda. But when I caught people looking at me, I popped some of the nasty things in my mouth. Everyone talked in the local language, and I hadn't started my studies yet, so I just politely listened. My bud tried to engage me at points to keep me from feeling too left out, though, and we talked about old times, Guitar Hero and a few other unrelated topics.
When dinner was done, we all went to my bud's other aunt's house to gear up for another trip. We all talked in a mix of English and the local language, and everyone was very patient with me and my poor skills. When the topic of their broken computer came up, I was told it was because their cat had chewed the mouse's cord beyond repair. I quipped, "So the cat killed the mouse?" It wasn't that funny, but everyone laughed for quite a while. Before we headed out to see another part of the city, I changed a lot of my American money with my bud's aunt to the local currency, all for top dollar and no fees. I think, in hindsight, that that move helped me to eat for the month I was in the red after I got my first job. Our last stop was another market, but nothing really spectacular happened here, except eating some delicious food and walking around.
We went home, slept, and woke up to go travel around a bit more. My bud, his sister and I walked around the little pond, discussing the ducks, her plan to move abroad with her boyfriend, tons of little things like that. I was still a bit shy back then, so I mostly listened. After that, my bud's uncle took us all to a restaurant in a department store to get lunch. The greeter welcomed us warmly, and we headed up a few floors to get our bites to eat. There wasn't much to say about the experience except that the food was excellent, my bud's uncle's English was excellent and he spoke happily with everyone, and there was a spectacular view of a park through a very wide, clear window behind me.
A bit later, we all took a bus to the beach. It was a very long ride that took us through wide roads winding around many, many mountains. There were little TVs in the bus, and I entertained myself by trying to figure out what everyone was saying and doing on the talk show we were watching. The beach was fantastic. When we got there, my bud and I split off from his sister and father, and we took a little walk around a miniature garden that led up to a gazebo overlooking the ocean. We stood there, talking about old times, our current experiences in the country, and what we were going to do about housing when we inevitably had to leave his aunt's house. The ocean was as amazing as ever.
After that, the two of us met up with his family inside of a medium-sized, glass-windowed building where my bud's father or uncle apparently had friends. I say this because we were all allowed up to the VIP break room a couple of floors up, where my bud and I severely abused the free coffee and crackers they had out for employees. We ate and talked for a while, then when it started to get on in the afternoon, we took another bus back to the hotel.
Our final excursion for this trip was heading to another seafood restaurant. The bus ride over there was pretty exciting. First, we traveled through the extremely busy downtown area, and I was a bit nervous that the bus driver would hit someone. All the drivers were being very aggressive, including ours, but we still made it in one piece. We passed a lot of little shrines dotting a grassy mountain to our side just before we arrived, too. On the way into the restaurant, I noticed some guy in a car smash over someone's motorcycle. I stared in shock as he just got out, picked it up, then drove off without leaving a note. Ass.
The restaurant itself was a nice little place filled with neon signs advertising all sorts of drinks. There was a little fridge to take out bottled soda (I hadn't drunk anything but canned in ages), and the buffet was packed with all kinds of fish. I took a couple to be nice again, but mostly filled up on salad, candy and drinks. Then everyone talked in the local language, my bud came to my rescue again, and that was about it. That was my trip; we headed back to my bud's aunt's place shortly after.
Maybe it was this trip that got me ready to start living in Then and Now 2, who knows. But one thing is certain: those few days where I was pulled away from my video games, under duress, to have fun, were a lot more entertaining and fulfilling than any day I've lived in the last several years.
As for the last three days of my life...
Day 1
I woke up at 10:30.
I talked with my wife.
I went back to sleep.
I woke up again at 12:30.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I ate lunch.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I roughhoused with my son.
I did the dishes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I played video games.
I slept.
Day 2
I woke up at 9:00.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I went out to tutor a student.
I came home to an empty house.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home.
I ate dinner.
I played video games.
I hung up wet laundry.
I took my wife and son to the arcade, then we went to the bank, then we went home.
I talked with my wife.
I played cars with my son.
I did the dishes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I played video games.
I slept.
Day 3
I woke up at 10:30.
I went out to tutor students.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I ate dinner.
I watched DVDs with my wife.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I went out to tutor a student.
I came home.
I did the dishes.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I hung up wet laundry.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I played video games.
I slept.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Then and Now 15 - Temple Chant
Then and Now 15 - Temple Chant
Time: Late 2007, dating my wife.
For the sake of this Then and Now, I'm going to refer to my wife as my girlfriend.
In the first month or two while my girlfriend and I were dating, Sunday came around and it was time for some fun. She had come over to my place for the past two weekends, and we basically locked ourselves in the apartment to have sex, eat and watch some DVDs I brought from America for the entire two breaks. But this weekend, she had to do some extra work, so I went out to the big city to see what I could see alone. I still had a lot to visit, according to my subway map, so I decided to go and see something historic that day: a famous temple.
I took the subway car to a stop near the end of the east-west line where the temple was, and on the way there, I saw a foreigner in the car with his local girlfriend. I looked their way, but they didn't see me, so I went back to watching the world fly by outside the car. But then, just a few seconds later, I heard a voice.
"So where you headed?"
I looked over and saw the guy and his girl staring at me with warm smiles. I smiled a bright smile of my own and told them about the temple on the map, and how I was really interested in going to see it. I also told them that I was surprised they were talking to me; most foreigners I met since I had come to this country either locked eyes with me for a fraction of a second, then jerked their head ninety degrees to the side and scurried away before I could say hello, or simply ignored me and my greetings.
The foreigner answered, "You seem to be a good guy."
"Yeah?" I answered, with a stupid grin on my face.
"Believe me," he said, "I know how to read people." I guess this was just another instance of people seeing how much I shined as a man.
In any case, we spent the next few minutes talking about his musical career as an entertainer to kids, his musical influences, and how he and his girlfriend had met in his home country before he came over. He had come to visit her, and to see her family for the first time. I congratulated him on the big step, and guaranteed he would have a great time here, but he assured me that he had been here long enough to know how great the country was. My stop came up, and after some goodbyes, off I went. I later found out that he was semi-famous here, and even published a CD or two.
When I got off the car, the sky was overcast, but it wasn't a problem: I had brought a large umbrella, its handle hooked into my jeans pocket like a modern day sword. I walked across a very wide parking lot, and settled down to decide where the heck I was going to go. I didn't have a map, aside from the one for the subway, so I just had to guess my way to the temple.
In one direction were tons of tall buildings, so I figured it wouldn't be over there. In two others, it seemed that there were just a couple of winding roads going around small shops and stuff, so I guessed it wasn't in those places, either. The last direction, however, was a road that led up into the mountains. I figured that even if I was wrong and it was an urban temple, a mountain hike sounded like fun anyway.
I walked for a bit down some non-descript streets when I came to a shadowy intersection under a freeway overpass. Standing next to me were a local teacher and a bunch of her students on some kind of field trip. A few of the kids looked and pointed at me, so I just grinned at them and moved on when the light turned green.
The road continued down for a while between some mechanics' garages and tiny, independently owned stores until I came to the first stop of my little trip. Surrounded by massive fences that would seem in place around a batting cage, there sat an expansive field of grasses, trees and little ponds. I couldn't read the sign outside very well, but I gathered that it was some kind of garden.
I entered and walked up to a booth with a woman inside, and used some simple words of the local language to ask what I was looking at. She answered back, just as simply, that it was a nature (something). I guessed it was a sanctuary, park or preserve, because at that moment, I noticed that there were ticket prices listed. So of course I dropped some cash down and got a ticket to go in. The lady chuckled a bit as she gave me a pamphlet, obviously amused by the fact that I probably couldn't read it. SPOILER: I couldn't.
I walked around for about thirty minutes, taking in the sights of the animals and plants around me. I walked down a path through a little forest with a couple of birds in the trees, past a miniature lake with some colorful, lazy fish inside, and past a barred-off field with some weird squirrel things running around in it.
Feeling at peace and relaxed, I went down a path that had thick brush on one side, and a wide, man-made lake on the other. It was an incredible sight, with the light of the sun reflecting off of the waters and little fish flitting about beneath. The path continued up and around a small hill, and strangely enough, I saw a little shack at the top. It was roped off, so I couldn't see if someone was living or working there, or if it was some kind of historic monument, but it did get me guessing. There were some high school students there, too: a girl and two guys. They were just walking around and minding their own business, so I didn't bug them. After a good hour of walking around this place, I went back to the entrance, said goodbye to the lady there, and continued on.
The narrow road outside soon opened up to a very wide grassy field on either side of it. I couldn't see anything of civilization in either direction, and I was the only one standing there. Feeling the wind blow through the green, I felt like I was the last man on earth, and that I was the only one left to explore its natural beauty on that warm day. Then a car rocketed by and kind of ruined the feeling.
The road continued on, and the grassy plains gave way to steep cliffs covered in trees on the right side of the road, and a gentle incline to the left. As I started climbing the road up the hill, my phone rang. It was my girlfriend, calling me from work. "Hey honey! Where are you? You're climbing the mountain? Wow! That sounds tiring. I know you can do it, go go go! Save some energy for next weekend, ok? Have fun!"
No asking me to cut my trip short. No reminders of chores I had to take care of. No complaining about her day at work or what her family had done. No asking me for money. No asking me to bring something back for her. No reminders of whether or not I had brought this or that article of clothing. Just good old fashioned support.
The road climbed up and wound around several times, at points going towards the mountain ahead of me, and at others back in the direction I came from. But it kept rising, and I kept walking it. Just as the forest on my right got too thick to see through anymore, the road turned back towards the subway station, and I was starting to feel very tired. Luckily, at that point, I had come to a very wide, very high, very beautiful scenic point that looked out over the entire city. The mountain was still behind me and wasn't very high at my sides, so I was offered an almost unobstructed view.
Buildings shot up and out of the ground as far as the eye could see, and purple mountains rose quietly and serenely behind them. The sun was blaring next to the clouds and still high in the sky, so it cast very few shadows over the incredible scene. The wide, grassy field that I had traveled through was wider than I thought, and spread for miles in either direction at the foot of the mountain. I stayed up there to catch my breath and snap pictures for a couple of minutes, until I was finally ready to resume my climb.
The road continued even farther up, and after a short while, I was passing cozy-looking houses on my left, built atop the sloped mountain. It reminded me of a few trips I took to the mountains with my family back in America, and it was just as peaceful here as it was back home. After another hour or so of walking, I started to feel winded, so I found the nearest bus stop, and plopped down to wait for the next one to arrive. It came rather quickly, maybe after ten minutes or so. I got on and thanked the driver as he drove, and had barely sat down in my seat when the bus stopped, the doors opened and everyone had gotten off. I was only a two minutes' walk from the top. Sheepishly, I got off the bus, and the driver waived the fare because we were so close.
I was now in the heart of the mountain range, surrounded by trees on either side of the road, and many cars were slowly moving up in the same direction to some common destination. But at the same time, I noticed that the travelers on foot were taking a small detour from the main road and into the forest, away from the path that the cars were taking up the mountain. So of course, I followed them to see what was there.
It was a little pool of water, fenced off to allow a safe, perfect view. The centerpiece was a miniature waterfall that dribbled water into the small pond below, which was covered in floating flowers and lilypads with a couple of frogs and fish lazing about. There were even a few dragonflies and butterflies fluttering around the water, and trees and shrubs surrounded the little scene. It was stunningly beautiful.
I walked alongside this place and down the little dirt path, up some man-made stairs carved into the stone of the mountain, and finally arrived back on the main road. After a few minutes of walking, the road got wider. Along either side of it, there were a ton of outdoor restaurants catering to many, many locals enjoying a hot meal under the warm sun. I wish I were hungry then so I could have joined them, but I guess all the exercise drained me, so I just walked by them all with a slight smile. And finally, after several hours of bus rides, subway trips and a huge walk and hike, I arrived at the place everyone was heading to. It was the temple I was looking for all along. I had guessed right.
Out of respect for the locals, I kept my camera holstered at all times when I was up there. But to be honest, I wish someone had told me it was ok to take pictures, because everything I experienced up there was fantastic. The statues were massive and serene. The aroma of smoldering incense relaxed my tired mind and body. There were hundreds, maybe thousands, of people all over the place, praying, talking, walking and just enjoying the quiet atmosphere of the temple.
But most noticeably, everyone was singing. It was a religious chant that I have heard several dozen times since I've lived here, but that was my first time hearing it live. It was absolutely hypnotic; not only was it being sung by hundreds of people, live and right in front of me, but the way everyone harmonized and carried the haunting tune made me dizzy with excitement and happiness. I have never forgotten that tune, or that scene.
I people watched for a while, then I went around the temple to see what else there was to see. I didn't want to be loitering around the main praying area, after all, what with the locals having spiritual business there and all.
The temple felt more like a castle, to be honest. There were two separate levels: the top level which held the little libraries, praying areas and offices of the temple, and the lower level where people were relaxing with their families. I saw some local kids running around and playing ball, even as high as we were. They were in no danger of falling, though, because the sides of the temple were fenced off.
There were several other places around the temple that offered even better views of the mountains, forests, plains and city below. After all, we were even higher than that first scenic point I had come to. Still, I took no pictures. Aimed at the temple or not, I didn't think it was respectful to be pulling my camera out in that place. I walked around the temple twice, peeking into the monks' study areas and sleeping quarters and stuff (surreptitiously, of course). And after about an hour of checking the place out, I decided it was time to go.
The sun was still rather high in the sky, and I guessed it was about 2:00 or 3:00, which I confirmed on my phone. I headed back down to the bus stop where I had first come up to this place then took it directly down, and got off right at the subway station. I put a quick call through to my girlfriend and let her know what I saw, and even sang the chant to her so she could tell me about it. She was more than happy to oblige, and asked me to take her along on my next adventure.
And with that, I took the subway back to the stop near the city I was living in, then hopped a relaxing bus ride over a bridge and back to my house. I spent the rest of the night, maybe six or seven hours, playing video games, before I went to sleep and prepared for another day of work the next day, and another day of travel on the Tuesday right after.
As for today...
I woke up at 11:00.
I watched TV.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I ate dinner.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I played video games.
I slept.
Time: Late 2007, dating my wife.
For the sake of this Then and Now, I'm going to refer to my wife as my girlfriend.
In the first month or two while my girlfriend and I were dating, Sunday came around and it was time for some fun. She had come over to my place for the past two weekends, and we basically locked ourselves in the apartment to have sex, eat and watch some DVDs I brought from America for the entire two breaks. But this weekend, she had to do some extra work, so I went out to the big city to see what I could see alone. I still had a lot to visit, according to my subway map, so I decided to go and see something historic that day: a famous temple.
I took the subway car to a stop near the end of the east-west line where the temple was, and on the way there, I saw a foreigner in the car with his local girlfriend. I looked their way, but they didn't see me, so I went back to watching the world fly by outside the car. But then, just a few seconds later, I heard a voice.
"So where you headed?"
I looked over and saw the guy and his girl staring at me with warm smiles. I smiled a bright smile of my own and told them about the temple on the map, and how I was really interested in going to see it. I also told them that I was surprised they were talking to me; most foreigners I met since I had come to this country either locked eyes with me for a fraction of a second, then jerked their head ninety degrees to the side and scurried away before I could say hello, or simply ignored me and my greetings.
The foreigner answered, "You seem to be a good guy."
"Yeah?" I answered, with a stupid grin on my face.
"Believe me," he said, "I know how to read people." I guess this was just another instance of people seeing how much I shined as a man.
In any case, we spent the next few minutes talking about his musical career as an entertainer to kids, his musical influences, and how he and his girlfriend had met in his home country before he came over. He had come to visit her, and to see her family for the first time. I congratulated him on the big step, and guaranteed he would have a great time here, but he assured me that he had been here long enough to know how great the country was. My stop came up, and after some goodbyes, off I went. I later found out that he was semi-famous here, and even published a CD or two.
When I got off the car, the sky was overcast, but it wasn't a problem: I had brought a large umbrella, its handle hooked into my jeans pocket like a modern day sword. I walked across a very wide parking lot, and settled down to decide where the heck I was going to go. I didn't have a map, aside from the one for the subway, so I just had to guess my way to the temple.
In one direction were tons of tall buildings, so I figured it wouldn't be over there. In two others, it seemed that there were just a couple of winding roads going around small shops and stuff, so I guessed it wasn't in those places, either. The last direction, however, was a road that led up into the mountains. I figured that even if I was wrong and it was an urban temple, a mountain hike sounded like fun anyway.
I walked for a bit down some non-descript streets when I came to a shadowy intersection under a freeway overpass. Standing next to me were a local teacher and a bunch of her students on some kind of field trip. A few of the kids looked and pointed at me, so I just grinned at them and moved on when the light turned green.
The road continued down for a while between some mechanics' garages and tiny, independently owned stores until I came to the first stop of my little trip. Surrounded by massive fences that would seem in place around a batting cage, there sat an expansive field of grasses, trees and little ponds. I couldn't read the sign outside very well, but I gathered that it was some kind of garden.
I entered and walked up to a booth with a woman inside, and used some simple words of the local language to ask what I was looking at. She answered back, just as simply, that it was a nature (something). I guessed it was a sanctuary, park or preserve, because at that moment, I noticed that there were ticket prices listed. So of course I dropped some cash down and got a ticket to go in. The lady chuckled a bit as she gave me a pamphlet, obviously amused by the fact that I probably couldn't read it. SPOILER: I couldn't.
I walked around for about thirty minutes, taking in the sights of the animals and plants around me. I walked down a path through a little forest with a couple of birds in the trees, past a miniature lake with some colorful, lazy fish inside, and past a barred-off field with some weird squirrel things running around in it.
Feeling at peace and relaxed, I went down a path that had thick brush on one side, and a wide, man-made lake on the other. It was an incredible sight, with the light of the sun reflecting off of the waters and little fish flitting about beneath. The path continued up and around a small hill, and strangely enough, I saw a little shack at the top. It was roped off, so I couldn't see if someone was living or working there, or if it was some kind of historic monument, but it did get me guessing. There were some high school students there, too: a girl and two guys. They were just walking around and minding their own business, so I didn't bug them. After a good hour of walking around this place, I went back to the entrance, said goodbye to the lady there, and continued on.
The narrow road outside soon opened up to a very wide grassy field on either side of it. I couldn't see anything of civilization in either direction, and I was the only one standing there. Feeling the wind blow through the green, I felt like I was the last man on earth, and that I was the only one left to explore its natural beauty on that warm day. Then a car rocketed by and kind of ruined the feeling.
The road continued on, and the grassy plains gave way to steep cliffs covered in trees on the right side of the road, and a gentle incline to the left. As I started climbing the road up the hill, my phone rang. It was my girlfriend, calling me from work. "Hey honey! Where are you? You're climbing the mountain? Wow! That sounds tiring. I know you can do it, go go go! Save some energy for next weekend, ok? Have fun!"
No asking me to cut my trip short. No reminders of chores I had to take care of. No complaining about her day at work or what her family had done. No asking me for money. No asking me to bring something back for her. No reminders of whether or not I had brought this or that article of clothing. Just good old fashioned support.
The road climbed up and wound around several times, at points going towards the mountain ahead of me, and at others back in the direction I came from. But it kept rising, and I kept walking it. Just as the forest on my right got too thick to see through anymore, the road turned back towards the subway station, and I was starting to feel very tired. Luckily, at that point, I had come to a very wide, very high, very beautiful scenic point that looked out over the entire city. The mountain was still behind me and wasn't very high at my sides, so I was offered an almost unobstructed view.
Buildings shot up and out of the ground as far as the eye could see, and purple mountains rose quietly and serenely behind them. The sun was blaring next to the clouds and still high in the sky, so it cast very few shadows over the incredible scene. The wide, grassy field that I had traveled through was wider than I thought, and spread for miles in either direction at the foot of the mountain. I stayed up there to catch my breath and snap pictures for a couple of minutes, until I was finally ready to resume my climb.
The road continued even farther up, and after a short while, I was passing cozy-looking houses on my left, built atop the sloped mountain. It reminded me of a few trips I took to the mountains with my family back in America, and it was just as peaceful here as it was back home. After another hour or so of walking, I started to feel winded, so I found the nearest bus stop, and plopped down to wait for the next one to arrive. It came rather quickly, maybe after ten minutes or so. I got on and thanked the driver as he drove, and had barely sat down in my seat when the bus stopped, the doors opened and everyone had gotten off. I was only a two minutes' walk from the top. Sheepishly, I got off the bus, and the driver waived the fare because we were so close.
I was now in the heart of the mountain range, surrounded by trees on either side of the road, and many cars were slowly moving up in the same direction to some common destination. But at the same time, I noticed that the travelers on foot were taking a small detour from the main road and into the forest, away from the path that the cars were taking up the mountain. So of course, I followed them to see what was there.
It was a little pool of water, fenced off to allow a safe, perfect view. The centerpiece was a miniature waterfall that dribbled water into the small pond below, which was covered in floating flowers and lilypads with a couple of frogs and fish lazing about. There were even a few dragonflies and butterflies fluttering around the water, and trees and shrubs surrounded the little scene. It was stunningly beautiful.
I walked alongside this place and down the little dirt path, up some man-made stairs carved into the stone of the mountain, and finally arrived back on the main road. After a few minutes of walking, the road got wider. Along either side of it, there were a ton of outdoor restaurants catering to many, many locals enjoying a hot meal under the warm sun. I wish I were hungry then so I could have joined them, but I guess all the exercise drained me, so I just walked by them all with a slight smile. And finally, after several hours of bus rides, subway trips and a huge walk and hike, I arrived at the place everyone was heading to. It was the temple I was looking for all along. I had guessed right.
Out of respect for the locals, I kept my camera holstered at all times when I was up there. But to be honest, I wish someone had told me it was ok to take pictures, because everything I experienced up there was fantastic. The statues were massive and serene. The aroma of smoldering incense relaxed my tired mind and body. There were hundreds, maybe thousands, of people all over the place, praying, talking, walking and just enjoying the quiet atmosphere of the temple.
But most noticeably, everyone was singing. It was a religious chant that I have heard several dozen times since I've lived here, but that was my first time hearing it live. It was absolutely hypnotic; not only was it being sung by hundreds of people, live and right in front of me, but the way everyone harmonized and carried the haunting tune made me dizzy with excitement and happiness. I have never forgotten that tune, or that scene.
I people watched for a while, then I went around the temple to see what else there was to see. I didn't want to be loitering around the main praying area, after all, what with the locals having spiritual business there and all.
The temple felt more like a castle, to be honest. There were two separate levels: the top level which held the little libraries, praying areas and offices of the temple, and the lower level where people were relaxing with their families. I saw some local kids running around and playing ball, even as high as we were. They were in no danger of falling, though, because the sides of the temple were fenced off.
There were several other places around the temple that offered even better views of the mountains, forests, plains and city below. After all, we were even higher than that first scenic point I had come to. Still, I took no pictures. Aimed at the temple or not, I didn't think it was respectful to be pulling my camera out in that place. I walked around the temple twice, peeking into the monks' study areas and sleeping quarters and stuff (surreptitiously, of course). And after about an hour of checking the place out, I decided it was time to go.
The sun was still rather high in the sky, and I guessed it was about 2:00 or 3:00, which I confirmed on my phone. I headed back down to the bus stop where I had first come up to this place then took it directly down, and got off right at the subway station. I put a quick call through to my girlfriend and let her know what I saw, and even sang the chant to her so she could tell me about it. She was more than happy to oblige, and asked me to take her along on my next adventure.
And with that, I took the subway back to the stop near the city I was living in, then hopped a relaxing bus ride over a bridge and back to my house. I spent the rest of the night, maybe six or seven hours, playing video games, before I went to sleep and prepared for another day of work the next day, and another day of travel on the Tuesday right after.
As for today...
I woke up at 11:00.
I watched TV.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I ate dinner.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I played video games.
I slept.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Temple trip
We all got dressed up to go to the temple from Then and Now 13. I waited a long time again for my wife to get ready, but I played with my son while she was busy because he was in a good mood this time. Then we walked on out to the bus stop with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, and waited another thirty or so minutes for it to arrive, but this time, I played with my son some more.
The bus ride to the subway stop was very nice, but I started to get a little nostalgic as I looked out the window towards the city I used to tour back in my unmarried days. I noticed a couple of familiar buildings and mountains that I used to go to, and even parks and rivers that I never went to opened up little memories of my unmarried life locked away in the back of my mind. At the station, we got off the bus, went to the bathroom, then headed on down to the platform where the subway was headed out.
And then, it happened.
I don't know why it affected me this time, and not the last time my family and I went to the temple, but it did. As the subway car rolled up to take everyone to the next stop, the familiar mechanical whine of its brakes sounded off of the walls and echoed around in every direction. I had ridden the cars so many times before I got married that I knew the sound by heart. I was suddenly struck by a blast of nostalgia and regret for the life I had given up, stronger than I had ever felt before.
Right after, we all boarded the car, and again, another familiar sound filled the air: it was the sound of the engine powering up, and the wind outside rushing through the tunnel and past the car. I was hit by another wave of nostalgia and regret, but this time, everything went dark. I didn't see my wife, son, mother-in-law, sister-in-law or anybody else on the train; there were only the images of long buried memories from my unmarried time that passed before my mind's eye:
I remembered a peaceful ride on a bus heading slowly home at night, crossing over a bridge over darkened waters after a long day of fun travel.
I remembered a fair that was held outside of the main bus/train/subway station.
I remembered going shopping at the supermarket for the first time.
I remembered heading to the "foreigner section" of the main city with my wife (then girlfriend), and taking a very long and peaceful walk down a wide road together, and I was carrying refried beans we had just bought to cook burritos.
Dozens of old images, senses and feelings from before I got married passed by quickly, enough to make several more Then and Now posts. And then, the sound passed, and I was back on the car again. In all honesty, a very small part of me wanted to cry right there, but it only took a second to stuff that part of me deep into my stomach and lock it away. My "man" face never flinched.
The day passed quickly. We went to the temple and looked around a bit, left my sister-in-law there so she could meet someone, then headed back to the station to go home. My wife picked two fights with her mom on the way home, and they both went exactly like this:
Mother-in-law: *Annoying comment*
Wife: *RAGE!*
Mother-in-law: *RAGE!*
Wife: *RAGE!*
Mother-in-law: *RAGE!*
Wife: *Silence*
Mother-in-law: *Silence*
Wife: *Silence*
Mother-in-law: *Normal voice talking*
Wife: *Quiet reciprocation*
On the bus ride home, I did some math, and found that if my wife and I stop at one kid (and she really seems like she wants to), then I only have to live another month before I'm 20% of the way done with this marriage. Otherwise, I'm only 16% of the way done. Not exactly encouraging, but it was something to think about.
And finally, we were home.
The bus ride to the subway stop was very nice, but I started to get a little nostalgic as I looked out the window towards the city I used to tour back in my unmarried days. I noticed a couple of familiar buildings and mountains that I used to go to, and even parks and rivers that I never went to opened up little memories of my unmarried life locked away in the back of my mind. At the station, we got off the bus, went to the bathroom, then headed on down to the platform where the subway was headed out.
And then, it happened.
I don't know why it affected me this time, and not the last time my family and I went to the temple, but it did. As the subway car rolled up to take everyone to the next stop, the familiar mechanical whine of its brakes sounded off of the walls and echoed around in every direction. I had ridden the cars so many times before I got married that I knew the sound by heart. I was suddenly struck by a blast of nostalgia and regret for the life I had given up, stronger than I had ever felt before.
Right after, we all boarded the car, and again, another familiar sound filled the air: it was the sound of the engine powering up, and the wind outside rushing through the tunnel and past the car. I was hit by another wave of nostalgia and regret, but this time, everything went dark. I didn't see my wife, son, mother-in-law, sister-in-law or anybody else on the train; there were only the images of long buried memories from my unmarried time that passed before my mind's eye:
I remembered a peaceful ride on a bus heading slowly home at night, crossing over a bridge over darkened waters after a long day of fun travel.
I remembered a fair that was held outside of the main bus/train/subway station.
I remembered going shopping at the supermarket for the first time.
I remembered heading to the "foreigner section" of the main city with my wife (then girlfriend), and taking a very long and peaceful walk down a wide road together, and I was carrying refried beans we had just bought to cook burritos.
Dozens of old images, senses and feelings from before I got married passed by quickly, enough to make several more Then and Now posts. And then, the sound passed, and I was back on the car again. In all honesty, a very small part of me wanted to cry right there, but it only took a second to stuff that part of me deep into my stomach and lock it away. My "man" face never flinched.
The day passed quickly. We went to the temple and looked around a bit, left my sister-in-law there so she could meet someone, then headed back to the station to go home. My wife picked two fights with her mom on the way home, and they both went exactly like this:
Mother-in-law: *Annoying comment*
Wife: *RAGE!*
Mother-in-law: *RAGE!*
Wife: *RAGE!*
Mother-in-law: *RAGE!*
Wife: *Silence*
Mother-in-law: *Silence*
Wife: *Silence*
Mother-in-law: *Normal voice talking*
Wife: *Quiet reciprocation*
On the bus ride home, I did some math, and found that if my wife and I stop at one kid (and she really seems like she wants to), then I only have to live another month before I'm 20% of the way done with this marriage. Otherwise, I'm only 16% of the way done. Not exactly encouraging, but it was something to think about.
And finally, we were home.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Then and Now 14 - Odds and Ends 1
Then and Now 14 - Odds and Ends 1
Time: Before I got married.
With twelve "full day experience" Then and Now posts on this site, I'm going to introduce a new format. This time, I'm going to take little experiences in my unmarried life that aren't long enough to make an entire post about, and present them in this post. They will be unsorted, and I'll just write about them as they come to me.
It wasn't just entire days of fun that made my unmarried life amazing to live; it was these little experiences that popped up every other day that added to the fun and fulfillment of the best time in my life.
-----
One morning at my apartment, I was playing Silent Hill 4. It was about 8:00 or 9:00 in the morning, and the sun was starting to get pretty bright outside, so I had all the doors and windows closed to make my room as dark and scary as possible.
I was playing it for the second or third time, so I knew what to expect in the game, and I decided to do something a little off the cuff. In the game, you are supposed to call a phone number in your room about halfway through to get a code to unlock a door. But that morning, I decided to call the phone number right as the game started. It rang a couple of times, then the call went through. All of a sudden, a bunch of groaning came through the speaker, like the tortured moans of several zombies. It sounded pretty creepy, and I felt a little tingle go...
BZZZZZZZZZT.
When I finally peeled myself off of the ceiling and crawled back into my skin from where I jumped out of it, I realized that the mailman had come, and was buzzing my room to let him in. I laughed pretty hard at myself for a while after that.
-----
Another day during my hostel time, I was walking away from the main bus/train/subway station and by a huge park. For some reason, the park was closed off that day, and when I peeked in, I saw a large crowd of people busy doing some kind of organized exercise or theater rehearsal or something. When I turned back to the sidewalk, I noticed a young man walking towards me, so I quickly sized him up.
His eyes were locked onto mine, which told me he wanted to talk with me. At the same time, his head was angled slightly downward, which told me he felt shy or embarrassed about something. His shoulders were both leaned in and set, which confirmed that he probably wanted to ask me something. Finally, his mouth was curved up in a slight smile, so I felt he was a good person, and not looking to bother me. All of this took less than a second, and right after I got this overall impression of him, I smiled broadly and said, "Hey, howya' doin'?"
The guy asked me, "Excuse me, but do you know where the train station is? I'm lost."
I looked back and said, "Yeah, it's right over there." I pointed in its general direction, but there were several buildings in the way, preventing a physical look of it. I chuckled and shrugged, then beckoned for him to come with me as I turned back towards it. He politely protested and said he could make it on his own, but I insisted to take him over. He finally gave in, and we walked on towards it.
On the way, I asked him where he was from, and was surprised to learn that he came from a neighboring country. I asked him what brought him to the country we were in, and he told me he was visiting some relatives and vacationing. I nodded my head and said, "Cool," then asked how he was liking his stay. He said he loved it here, and I agreed, telling him of the warmth of the locals and the things I had seen.
Only a few minutes passed by before the station came into view, so once I pointed it out to him, he happily waved goodbye and we went our separate ways. Not only had I made an acquaintance, but I had done a little good deed. It felt nice.
-----
On my way to work from my apartment one day, a middle-aged woman was sitting on the sidewalk resting. When she saw me, she stopped me right away by saying, "Hey, handsome guy!" I turned beet red and smiled goofily, then spent the time I had to spare talking with her about when I came to her country, whether I had a girlfriend, what she did for a living and so on. A bit later, I headed off to work.
-----
During my single time in the big city, I went to an underground shopping center near the main station and was just looking around. After a time, I came to a glass case filled with pottery and other artifacts from the country's historic times. I tried my best to read the placards, but mostly was just enjoying the artistry and care that went into those old pieces of history.
After just a minute or so, a cute, young local girl came up next to me and started looking at the pieces with me. Back then, I had a strong ability to sense people's motives and intentions without them saying anything by watching their body language. And the second I glanced at this girl, I sensed she came up next to me so I would notice her and strike up a conversation because she liked me. I smiled, and she turned her head to me, smiling quickly before looking away shyly. Suspicions confirmed.
I decided to play it cool, so I looked the art pieces over for a bit, then saluted goodbye to her and started to walk away, hoping she would come after me, and hopefully, we could start something up. She didn't, though, so I just kept on going. I feel a bit of regret not getting to know her now, but at the time, I had two or three girls scheduled for hang out times that day anyway, so I guess I felt a bit too busy to make it three or four.
-----
Another day, I was at the train station and coming up from a bathroom in the basement. When I got to the top of the stairs, I noticed a very elderly man going down, grasping the handrail tightly as he very, very slowly made his way down. Without hesitation, I reached my hand out to him, and after a look of surprise, he took it. I helped him down the stairs to the bathroom, and he thanked me profusely at the bottom, then insisted that he could make it back up on his own. I smiled broadly and said goodbye, then went on my way.
-----
I think that should about do it for the little memories for now. I'll probably write a dozen or so more full-fledged Then and Now posts before I make another one of these; I haven't even begun to document all the great things I experienced in those six months, not by a long shot.
As for today...
I woke up at 11:30.
I ate lunch.
I played cars with my son.
I started a load of laundry.
I took him to the arcade, then drove him to a construction site to see some diggers, then we got ice cream for him and my wife, then we went home.
I talked with my wife.
I hung up wet laundry.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I ate dinner.
I came home.
I played cars with my son.
I watched internet movies with him.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I slept.
Time: Before I got married.
With twelve "full day experience" Then and Now posts on this site, I'm going to introduce a new format. This time, I'm going to take little experiences in my unmarried life that aren't long enough to make an entire post about, and present them in this post. They will be unsorted, and I'll just write about them as they come to me.
It wasn't just entire days of fun that made my unmarried life amazing to live; it was these little experiences that popped up every other day that added to the fun and fulfillment of the best time in my life.
-----
One morning at my apartment, I was playing Silent Hill 4. It was about 8:00 or 9:00 in the morning, and the sun was starting to get pretty bright outside, so I had all the doors and windows closed to make my room as dark and scary as possible.
I was playing it for the second or third time, so I knew what to expect in the game, and I decided to do something a little off the cuff. In the game, you are supposed to call a phone number in your room about halfway through to get a code to unlock a door. But that morning, I decided to call the phone number right as the game started. It rang a couple of times, then the call went through. All of a sudden, a bunch of groaning came through the speaker, like the tortured moans of several zombies. It sounded pretty creepy, and I felt a little tingle go...
BZZZZZZZZZT.
When I finally peeled myself off of the ceiling and crawled back into my skin from where I jumped out of it, I realized that the mailman had come, and was buzzing my room to let him in. I laughed pretty hard at myself for a while after that.
-----
Another day during my hostel time, I was walking away from the main bus/train/subway station and by a huge park. For some reason, the park was closed off that day, and when I peeked in, I saw a large crowd of people busy doing some kind of organized exercise or theater rehearsal or something. When I turned back to the sidewalk, I noticed a young man walking towards me, so I quickly sized him up.
His eyes were locked onto mine, which told me he wanted to talk with me. At the same time, his head was angled slightly downward, which told me he felt shy or embarrassed about something. His shoulders were both leaned in and set, which confirmed that he probably wanted to ask me something. Finally, his mouth was curved up in a slight smile, so I felt he was a good person, and not looking to bother me. All of this took less than a second, and right after I got this overall impression of him, I smiled broadly and said, "Hey, howya' doin'?"
The guy asked me, "Excuse me, but do you know where the train station is? I'm lost."
I looked back and said, "Yeah, it's right over there." I pointed in its general direction, but there were several buildings in the way, preventing a physical look of it. I chuckled and shrugged, then beckoned for him to come with me as I turned back towards it. He politely protested and said he could make it on his own, but I insisted to take him over. He finally gave in, and we walked on towards it.
On the way, I asked him where he was from, and was surprised to learn that he came from a neighboring country. I asked him what brought him to the country we were in, and he told me he was visiting some relatives and vacationing. I nodded my head and said, "Cool," then asked how he was liking his stay. He said he loved it here, and I agreed, telling him of the warmth of the locals and the things I had seen.
Only a few minutes passed by before the station came into view, so once I pointed it out to him, he happily waved goodbye and we went our separate ways. Not only had I made an acquaintance, but I had done a little good deed. It felt nice.
-----
On my way to work from my apartment one day, a middle-aged woman was sitting on the sidewalk resting. When she saw me, she stopped me right away by saying, "Hey, handsome guy!" I turned beet red and smiled goofily, then spent the time I had to spare talking with her about when I came to her country, whether I had a girlfriend, what she did for a living and so on. A bit later, I headed off to work.
-----
During my single time in the big city, I went to an underground shopping center near the main station and was just looking around. After a time, I came to a glass case filled with pottery and other artifacts from the country's historic times. I tried my best to read the placards, but mostly was just enjoying the artistry and care that went into those old pieces of history.
After just a minute or so, a cute, young local girl came up next to me and started looking at the pieces with me. Back then, I had a strong ability to sense people's motives and intentions without them saying anything by watching their body language. And the second I glanced at this girl, I sensed she came up next to me so I would notice her and strike up a conversation because she liked me. I smiled, and she turned her head to me, smiling quickly before looking away shyly. Suspicions confirmed.
I decided to play it cool, so I looked the art pieces over for a bit, then saluted goodbye to her and started to walk away, hoping she would come after me, and hopefully, we could start something up. She didn't, though, so I just kept on going. I feel a bit of regret not getting to know her now, but at the time, I had two or three girls scheduled for hang out times that day anyway, so I guess I felt a bit too busy to make it three or four.
-----
Another day, I was at the train station and coming up from a bathroom in the basement. When I got to the top of the stairs, I noticed a very elderly man going down, grasping the handrail tightly as he very, very slowly made his way down. Without hesitation, I reached my hand out to him, and after a look of surprise, he took it. I helped him down the stairs to the bathroom, and he thanked me profusely at the bottom, then insisted that he could make it back up on his own. I smiled broadly and said goodbye, then went on my way.
-----
I think that should about do it for the little memories for now. I'll probably write a dozen or so more full-fledged Then and Now posts before I make another one of these; I haven't even begun to document all the great things I experienced in those six months, not by a long shot.
As for today...
I woke up at 11:30.
I ate lunch.
I played cars with my son.
I started a load of laundry.
I took him to the arcade, then drove him to a construction site to see some diggers, then we got ice cream for him and my wife, then we went home.
I talked with my wife.
I hung up wet laundry.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I ate dinner.
I came home.
I played cars with my son.
I watched internet movies with him.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I slept.
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