It has been about one year since I started my blog, and now I would like to compare my life now to what it could have been if I hadn't married:
Fights
There were about 30 times that my wife (or a few times, her mother) either:
A) Dumped some sort of inane, "easily solvable in a week but I prefer not to do anything despite your advice" problem on me and cornered me for a lengthy diatribe, or
B) Was in a nasty mood for no good reason and started shouting, or giving the silent treatment.
My wife started exactly two fights with me during the three months we were dating (fights which I ended immediately instead of having them drag out for hours or days), an average of 8 fights a year before we got married, compared to the 30 now. As an unmarried man, I would have broken up with any girlfriend that treats me the way my wife does now, and happily been in the "honeymoon" part of the relationship with all of my girlfriends for the majority of any year.
Chores
I've cleaned up the floor and table, done the dishes, and done the laundry over 250 times each. In other words, five out of every seven days of the week, I'm wasting almost an hour of my life doing a complete set of chores. Applying the fact that I never needed to clean the floor at my apartment, I spend almost ten times the amount of time cleaning the house now than the once a week I did everything before. In addition, during the last year, I only got a handful of days off without a messed up house waiting for me to come home and clean it up: 27 in total. Most of these days were bunched up during my brief vacation between jobs in the middle of the year. Every other day, all 300+ of them, involved me coming home after a long day of work, only to be welcomed home to a dirty house that needed to be cleaned.
When I was single, I did the dishes when I wanted to cook something (no more than two times a week, often never), I swept once a week for two minutes, I did the laundry only once a week, and I never had to clean up the floor and table because I cleaned messes as I made them. All in all, it took me about fifteen minutes a week to finish everything, not fourty minutes a night.
Sex
I have sex once or twice every month, and I had a sex drought that lasted for three months.
I used to have sex three to five times a week with my wife when she was my girlfriend. Even including the time I was single, it still averaged out to three times a week. And with up to twenty potential girls that I could have slept with by now, that's a lot more variety and quantity than what I get now.
Money
I've saved nothing that isn't going towards family expenses or pending college bills, and I've donated $500 to charity.
As an unmarried man, I would have saved $5000 for emergencies, and donated $45,000 to charity by now. That's a lot of children that I could have helped.
Time Off
The schedule I have now is pretty telling of the overall difference between before I got married and now: this past year, I got an average of one day off for every two or three weeks of work now, with classes or tutoring waiting for me every day for weeks on end.
When I was a free man, I once had a day where I had to do neither chores nor work. It was a magical, wondrous day, but it required a sacrificial chicken, that the stars align, and for God himself to smile down upon me. That day's name was Tuesday (but sometimes it was tricky, and called itself Sunday).
Travel
I've lived in four cities.
As an unmarried man, I would be living in my eighth city, and I know exactly where I would be living right now.
Friends
I've made two hundred friends, none of whom are still in regular contact with me.
As an unmarried man, I would have made about over a thousand friends, and been in regular contact with about 20-30 of them. All those people I could have helped or learned from, all those experiences I could have had, all that potential, gone.
Fun & Adventure
I haven't had a single adventurous or all day fun day since I got married, because even on the days I took my son out for a trip, my wife never went with us and ruined the trip with phone calls and rage when I returned with him.
Since I have written over 30 Then and Now posts, all of which detail a day of fun, and I have over twice as many planned for the future, I could have averaged out about 150 fun days per year as a single man.
Summary
The basic themes of this last year, as they were every year since 2009, were escalating disrespect and the constant biting of the hand (mine) that feeds.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Then and Now 35 - After Leena
Then and Now 35 - After Leena
Time: Mid-2007, single and at the hostel.
This story starts where Then and Now 17 ended.
I hung up the phone, and felt lighter than ever. I was finally letting go of the attachment I had to Leena, because I knew that no matter how hard I tried, she was only ever going to see me as the little brother that she helped into manhood. Because I didn't have to think about her or her responses regarding a relationship between us, I was free to continue my explorations of this country without worry or doubt holding me back anymore. The conversation done and my path set, I left the balcony and went back into the dorm room.
There were assigned sleeping arrangements that occupants of the hostel had to follow, but there weren't more than two or three guys at any time staying in the men's room, where about a dozen bunk beds were available to use. I bed hopped a few times, but I preferred to sleep next to the lockers where I kept my passport and wallet safely locked up. I took out my camera, an old Pentax my mom gave to me before I came here, and hummed in disappointment when I remembered that I still had no way to get the pictures off of it. My mom had lost the USB cable, and without it, I couldn't upload a picture of myself to the internet for my profile for meeting friends.
I went to the front desk where the hostel boss was working and I asked her in the local language if there was a computer store nearby where I could find something to get my pictures out, and she told me of an entire street dedicated to the technological. She pointed it out on my city map and repeated the name several times so I wouldn't forget, then I thanked her and double checked my map. It wasn't too far away from the hostel, maybe a mile or two, so I was relishing the walk. I took a quick walk back to the dorm room, spiked my hair, then was on my way to the elevator.
I still remember a little picture advertisement posted just outside of the elevator from a local tour guide. He wrote the ad in English, and it had pictures of several people and himself climbing mountains, walking by the ocean, and traveling through a few outdoor markets. Everyone looked very happy in the pictures, as happy as my reflection in the metal of the elevator did. I soon got to the ground floor and circled around a little hallway and past a second elevator that led to some offices a few floors up, I was out on the street.
Studying my map, I picked a direct route to get to the tech street and kept my eyes peeled for anything interesting as I made my way there, and it wasn't long before I found something: most of the buildings that I was walking between towered high and were crammed really close together, being separated only by wide streets every city block. But across the street from where I was walking, I noticed that two of the buildings were standing about fifty feet apart from one another, and what was between them wasn't a road. I backtracked to the crosswalk and crossed the street to get a closer look. It was a wide alleyway, and it ended in a "T" ahead of me. But it wasn't an alley filled with dumpsters and trash cans; it had a little swingset and a small garden of grass and flowers to the right, and at the middle of the T ahead was an open door leading into the building before me. It might have been a bar or a movie theater, I'm not sure. It was very well-maintained, and quite beautiful.
I went back onto the street and kept walking until the buildings to my left suddenly stopped at a four way intersection, and a great field of grass in a giant park waited across the street. At that point, I was pretty sure I had gotten lost and had bypassed the tech street, probably because I crossed over to see the alley. So, I went over to the huge park, and caught up with a local walking alongside the grass. When I asked him where the tech street was, he told me that I hadn't gotten there yet; I still had a few blocks to go. I thanked him, and he asked me where I was from, what I was doing here, all that good stuff. I told him about growing up with the locals of this country in America, how a lot of my friends were from here, and how I was happy to be in such a beautiful place with such nice people. He beamed with pride, then offered me his business card in case I ever had any questions or troubles he could help with. I thanked him, gave him my phone number, then waved goodbye and headed back to the street.
I was at the tech street in no time, and it was a nerd's paradise. Store after store of motherboards, cameras, computer chips, soldering irons and other assorted doodads were lined up, one after the other, in a huge line along the street. The first store I went to was a tiny place. It had gadgets hanging from every wall, and in the glass counter that the boss was standing over were several cameras and accessories. I asked him in the local language if he had something "To take my pictures off my camera and put it on a computer by USB."
He knew immediately what I was talking about, and pulled an all-in-one card reader off of the wall. It read SD, mini-SD, PSP memory cards, you name it, it knew it. The price was only $3, too. I feel guilty mentioning this now, but I told him that I would look around to see if I could find any other brands. He turned away and told me that I wouldn't find any better before going back to work. And I don't really know what I was trying to do. Look for a better one for $2?
But I did just that. I went a few stores down until I found a set of stairs that led underground, where even more tech stores were selling their wares. Most of them were selling computer parts or video games, though, so I realized that I really should just have gotten the reader from the boss upstairs. I went back and sheepishly bought it, thanked the boss for his time, then moved on. By that point, the sun had been blasting down on me for the past several hours as I walked around outside and through the tech street, so I decided to head back to the hostel in that sweltering afternoon, and give the USB reader a whirl.
The computer in the computer room of the hostel was hilarious. It was a bit slow, but the funny thing was that you had to deposit money in a slot to make the internet work for a few minutes. I have no idea how they made it work like that. But before I dropped some coins in, I took the card out of my camera, put it in the reader, and attached it to the computer. The pictures came up immediately; I was ecstatic.
I spent the next couple of minutes taking pictures of myself, and finally got a good one that looked pretty handsome. It wasn't as handsome as the one I took when I moved to my apartment, but since I made about a hundred friends from that profile while I was still at the hostel, I suppose the picture did its job. I put the picture on the desktop, resized it, dropped some money in the computer, went on the internet to set up my profile, and the very next day, had three or four girls emailing me to hang out with them. At that time, I couldn't have been happier.
As for today...
I woke up at 7:00.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the game.
I hung up wet laundry.
My wife, son and I went to two clinics and a hospital for three separate medical issues I have right now, then we went home.
I took my son to the arcade, then we went to the mall, then we went home.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I surfed the net.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I slept.
Time: Mid-2007, single and at the hostel.
This story starts where Then and Now 17 ended.
I hung up the phone, and felt lighter than ever. I was finally letting go of the attachment I had to Leena, because I knew that no matter how hard I tried, she was only ever going to see me as the little brother that she helped into manhood. Because I didn't have to think about her or her responses regarding a relationship between us, I was free to continue my explorations of this country without worry or doubt holding me back anymore. The conversation done and my path set, I left the balcony and went back into the dorm room.
There were assigned sleeping arrangements that occupants of the hostel had to follow, but there weren't more than two or three guys at any time staying in the men's room, where about a dozen bunk beds were available to use. I bed hopped a few times, but I preferred to sleep next to the lockers where I kept my passport and wallet safely locked up. I took out my camera, an old Pentax my mom gave to me before I came here, and hummed in disappointment when I remembered that I still had no way to get the pictures off of it. My mom had lost the USB cable, and without it, I couldn't upload a picture of myself to the internet for my profile for meeting friends.
I went to the front desk where the hostel boss was working and I asked her in the local language if there was a computer store nearby where I could find something to get my pictures out, and she told me of an entire street dedicated to the technological. She pointed it out on my city map and repeated the name several times so I wouldn't forget, then I thanked her and double checked my map. It wasn't too far away from the hostel, maybe a mile or two, so I was relishing the walk. I took a quick walk back to the dorm room, spiked my hair, then was on my way to the elevator.
I still remember a little picture advertisement posted just outside of the elevator from a local tour guide. He wrote the ad in English, and it had pictures of several people and himself climbing mountains, walking by the ocean, and traveling through a few outdoor markets. Everyone looked very happy in the pictures, as happy as my reflection in the metal of the elevator did. I soon got to the ground floor and circled around a little hallway and past a second elevator that led to some offices a few floors up, I was out on the street.
Studying my map, I picked a direct route to get to the tech street and kept my eyes peeled for anything interesting as I made my way there, and it wasn't long before I found something: most of the buildings that I was walking between towered high and were crammed really close together, being separated only by wide streets every city block. But across the street from where I was walking, I noticed that two of the buildings were standing about fifty feet apart from one another, and what was between them wasn't a road. I backtracked to the crosswalk and crossed the street to get a closer look. It was a wide alleyway, and it ended in a "T" ahead of me. But it wasn't an alley filled with dumpsters and trash cans; it had a little swingset and a small garden of grass and flowers to the right, and at the middle of the T ahead was an open door leading into the building before me. It might have been a bar or a movie theater, I'm not sure. It was very well-maintained, and quite beautiful.
I went back onto the street and kept walking until the buildings to my left suddenly stopped at a four way intersection, and a great field of grass in a giant park waited across the street. At that point, I was pretty sure I had gotten lost and had bypassed the tech street, probably because I crossed over to see the alley. So, I went over to the huge park, and caught up with a local walking alongside the grass. When I asked him where the tech street was, he told me that I hadn't gotten there yet; I still had a few blocks to go. I thanked him, and he asked me where I was from, what I was doing here, all that good stuff. I told him about growing up with the locals of this country in America, how a lot of my friends were from here, and how I was happy to be in such a beautiful place with such nice people. He beamed with pride, then offered me his business card in case I ever had any questions or troubles he could help with. I thanked him, gave him my phone number, then waved goodbye and headed back to the street.
I was at the tech street in no time, and it was a nerd's paradise. Store after store of motherboards, cameras, computer chips, soldering irons and other assorted doodads were lined up, one after the other, in a huge line along the street. The first store I went to was a tiny place. It had gadgets hanging from every wall, and in the glass counter that the boss was standing over were several cameras and accessories. I asked him in the local language if he had something "To take my pictures off my camera and put it on a computer by USB."
He knew immediately what I was talking about, and pulled an all-in-one card reader off of the wall. It read SD, mini-SD, PSP memory cards, you name it, it knew it. The price was only $3, too. I feel guilty mentioning this now, but I told him that I would look around to see if I could find any other brands. He turned away and told me that I wouldn't find any better before going back to work. And I don't really know what I was trying to do. Look for a better one for $2?
But I did just that. I went a few stores down until I found a set of stairs that led underground, where even more tech stores were selling their wares. Most of them were selling computer parts or video games, though, so I realized that I really should just have gotten the reader from the boss upstairs. I went back and sheepishly bought it, thanked the boss for his time, then moved on. By that point, the sun had been blasting down on me for the past several hours as I walked around outside and through the tech street, so I decided to head back to the hostel in that sweltering afternoon, and give the USB reader a whirl.
The computer in the computer room of the hostel was hilarious. It was a bit slow, but the funny thing was that you had to deposit money in a slot to make the internet work for a few minutes. I have no idea how they made it work like that. But before I dropped some coins in, I took the card out of my camera, put it in the reader, and attached it to the computer. The pictures came up immediately; I was ecstatic.
I spent the next couple of minutes taking pictures of myself, and finally got a good one that looked pretty handsome. It wasn't as handsome as the one I took when I moved to my apartment, but since I made about a hundred friends from that profile while I was still at the hostel, I suppose the picture did its job. I put the picture on the desktop, resized it, dropped some money in the computer, went on the internet to set up my profile, and the very next day, had three or four girls emailing me to hang out with them. At that time, I couldn't have been happier.
As for today...
I woke up at 7:00.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the game.
I hung up wet laundry.
My wife, son and I went to two clinics and a hospital for three separate medical issues I have right now, then we went home.
I took my son to the arcade, then we went to the mall, then we went home.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
He fell asleep.
I surfed the net.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I slept.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Then and Now 34 - McDonald's Meet-up
Then and Now 34 - McDonald's Meet-up
Time: Mid-2007, at my bud's aunt's place.
For the first few months after I came to this country, I was sick almost every day. It was several things happening at once: I had to get used to the heat, the air, the rain... but more importantly, there were several strains of flu and cold viruses that I had never experienced back home. I must have gotten sick at least a dozen times in 2007, and probably half of those times were the first month and a half at my bud's aunt's place alone.
This day was no different. I woke up with a slight headache, a sore throat and a fever, and to make matters worse, I was covered in mosquito bites. I probably should have stayed home and taken a day off, but my bud and I both wanted to head out and look around, so we did just that. After we got dressed up and ready, we headed out of his aunt's furniture store and took a right towards the market, the one where I saw the fifth Harry Potter movie in Then and Now 24.
We browsed for a little bit, checking out the jackets, shirts and so on around the market area. It was mostly girl stuff, so we left pretty quickly. We then followed the market out until the road headed out into a busy street, which was low and wide between rows of buildings on either side, then we turned right and walked until we came to another market area. Since I wasn't feeling very well, my bud and I went to several stores that sold colored and patterned riding masks, so I wouldn't spread the flu to anyone else. It took a while, but I finally found one that was perfect for me: it was colored like the American flag and felt very comfortable, so I bought it and put it on. I thought it looked good, and I had been searching for a mask like it for a week or two, so I felt quite proud that I finally found one. My bud just acted cool and said, "Glad you like it."
We headed back to the place where the first market opened up onto the street between the buildings, and found a multi-storied McDonald's there. We were both hungry, so we headed in to get something to eat. I hadn't had a burger in a month or two, so I ordered a Big Mac meal along with my bud. We waited for a bit, and after the food came, we went upstairs to eat. I had to choose us a table a little away from the window, because all the window seats were taken. I still remember looking at the buildings outside, and seeing a huge billboard advertising some sneaker or another. Kobe Bryant's head was right next to the shoe, smiling a wide and happy smile.
My bud and I ate for a few minutes, until another foreigner walked in with a tray of food. Aside from the biker in Then and Now 10, this was the first foreigner I had ever seen here. He was in his late twenties or early thirties, taller, and was dressed casually for a nice day out. I asked my bud if we should invite him over to eat and say hello, but he just said, "If you want to." I smiled behind my mask and nodded ok. I looked over at the foreigner, and when he noticed me, I waved him over. He hesitated for a second, but then came over to say hello.
Lars was a nice guy. He came from a world away and hadn't been in the country for very long, and was interested in coming here because he had grown up around the locals back home, like I had. He seemed to be doing very well for himself: he had a job, a bike and a girlfriend. He didn't talk much about the first two, but he did relate an interesting story or two about his girl. Neither of them was very happy; both stories involved Lars and his girl riding around through town and being harrassed by the locals because of their relationship.
For the first story, he talked about a run-in with a taxi driver. He was kind of vague about the specifics, but it involved him and his girl on their bike, and the driver of the taxi, being in a near-miss accident. The taxi driver suddenly came out of the taxi, threatening Lars with a hammer, so he rode away as quickly as possible. The second was just a collection of experiences he had while riding around with his girl, getting catcalls and jeers from the locals for dating one of their own. For the record, I've never once had that problem since I've been here.
Other than this, Lars spoke mostly about traveling about the city we were in, a couple of places he had seen, and his plans of staying here for the forseeable future. I was glad he didn't allow a couple of bad eggs spoil his time here. My bud mostly listened as we talked, but he did chime in here and there to ask questions about the locals back in Lars' home country. It was quite special how mundane things were: immigrant locals in Lars' country went to work, went shopping, did everything everyone does in this world. I was even more convinced at that point of how similar we all are, no matter what country we come from.
After a while, Lars had to go, so my bud and I said goodbye. And soon after, when we had finished eating, we went out to take another walk around before heading home to relax.
As for today...
I woke up at 8:00.
I played video games.
My son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I played cars with him.
I took him to the arcade, then we went shopping, then we went home.
I went out with my wife and son to eat lunch, then we visited a temple, then we went home.
I watched TV.
I surfed the net.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I started a load of laundry.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I hung up wet laundry.
I slept.
Time: Mid-2007, at my bud's aunt's place.
For the first few months after I came to this country, I was sick almost every day. It was several things happening at once: I had to get used to the heat, the air, the rain... but more importantly, there were several strains of flu and cold viruses that I had never experienced back home. I must have gotten sick at least a dozen times in 2007, and probably half of those times were the first month and a half at my bud's aunt's place alone.
This day was no different. I woke up with a slight headache, a sore throat and a fever, and to make matters worse, I was covered in mosquito bites. I probably should have stayed home and taken a day off, but my bud and I both wanted to head out and look around, so we did just that. After we got dressed up and ready, we headed out of his aunt's furniture store and took a right towards the market, the one where I saw the fifth Harry Potter movie in Then and Now 24.
We browsed for a little bit, checking out the jackets, shirts and so on around the market area. It was mostly girl stuff, so we left pretty quickly. We then followed the market out until the road headed out into a busy street, which was low and wide between rows of buildings on either side, then we turned right and walked until we came to another market area. Since I wasn't feeling very well, my bud and I went to several stores that sold colored and patterned riding masks, so I wouldn't spread the flu to anyone else. It took a while, but I finally found one that was perfect for me: it was colored like the American flag and felt very comfortable, so I bought it and put it on. I thought it looked good, and I had been searching for a mask like it for a week or two, so I felt quite proud that I finally found one. My bud just acted cool and said, "Glad you like it."
We headed back to the place where the first market opened up onto the street between the buildings, and found a multi-storied McDonald's there. We were both hungry, so we headed in to get something to eat. I hadn't had a burger in a month or two, so I ordered a Big Mac meal along with my bud. We waited for a bit, and after the food came, we went upstairs to eat. I had to choose us a table a little away from the window, because all the window seats were taken. I still remember looking at the buildings outside, and seeing a huge billboard advertising some sneaker or another. Kobe Bryant's head was right next to the shoe, smiling a wide and happy smile.
My bud and I ate for a few minutes, until another foreigner walked in with a tray of food. Aside from the biker in Then and Now 10, this was the first foreigner I had ever seen here. He was in his late twenties or early thirties, taller, and was dressed casually for a nice day out. I asked my bud if we should invite him over to eat and say hello, but he just said, "If you want to." I smiled behind my mask and nodded ok. I looked over at the foreigner, and when he noticed me, I waved him over. He hesitated for a second, but then came over to say hello.
Lars was a nice guy. He came from a world away and hadn't been in the country for very long, and was interested in coming here because he had grown up around the locals back home, like I had. He seemed to be doing very well for himself: he had a job, a bike and a girlfriend. He didn't talk much about the first two, but he did relate an interesting story or two about his girl. Neither of them was very happy; both stories involved Lars and his girl riding around through town and being harrassed by the locals because of their relationship.
For the first story, he talked about a run-in with a taxi driver. He was kind of vague about the specifics, but it involved him and his girl on their bike, and the driver of the taxi, being in a near-miss accident. The taxi driver suddenly came out of the taxi, threatening Lars with a hammer, so he rode away as quickly as possible. The second was just a collection of experiences he had while riding around with his girl, getting catcalls and jeers from the locals for dating one of their own. For the record, I've never once had that problem since I've been here.
Other than this, Lars spoke mostly about traveling about the city we were in, a couple of places he had seen, and his plans of staying here for the forseeable future. I was glad he didn't allow a couple of bad eggs spoil his time here. My bud mostly listened as we talked, but he did chime in here and there to ask questions about the locals back in Lars' home country. It was quite special how mundane things were: immigrant locals in Lars' country went to work, went shopping, did everything everyone does in this world. I was even more convinced at that point of how similar we all are, no matter what country we come from.
After a while, Lars had to go, so my bud and I said goodbye. And soon after, when we had finished eating, we went out to take another walk around before heading home to relax.
As for today...
I woke up at 8:00.
I played video games.
My son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I played cars with him.
I took him to the arcade, then we went shopping, then we went home.
I went out with my wife and son to eat lunch, then we visited a temple, then we went home.
I watched TV.
I surfed the net.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I started a load of laundry.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I hung up wet laundry.
I slept.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Then and Now 33 - Tim and Jessie
Then and Now 33 - Tim and Jessie
Time: Mid-2007, single and at the hostel.
Tim and Jessie were a married couple that I met online for tutoring, and were the first people that wanted to learn English from me while paying me for my time. I was a bit nervous going to talk with them at first, because while I had tutored before, this time, I needed the money to feed myself. I was planning all kinds of topics to bring up and some grammar points, but I wasn't sure if they would be satisifed with my lesson.
We met at a train station a mile or two east of the hostel. It was a big hub of activity for me while I lived at the hostel, where I met at least a dozen friends and tutor students before we found a place to adventure or talk. Beneath the skywalk of the train station, I met the two. Tim was a man in his thirties with glasses and a wide smile, and had a direct, but friendly, character. Jessie was his wife, also in her thirties, and was quieter, but very friendly and attentive. We walked back towards the hostel until we came to a coffee shop to have our class.
The front of the coffee shop had a couple of tables and the register where an employee was working, but behind a glass and wooden partisan was the back of the store, where we decided to talk. It was a great little place. There were couches to lie out on (instead of tables and chairs), and there was quite a bit of local art hanging on the walls: several figure pieces of local people, a still life of some fruit and a landscape piece. I don't remember anything that we talked about, except sharing some of my experiences abroad, but it was a fun class. I had some nice coffee, and I got paid, too.
We met up again a few days later, when Tim and Jessie picked me up in their car. This time, though, they brought their daughter with them. She was the cutest pudgy baby I had ever seen. I spent a long time making faces and lightly poking her in the back of the car. When we got to our destination, a small ice cream restaurant, they let me hold her as we walked in. She was very easygoing about it, and when we got inside, I passed her back to her parents.
The restaurant was pretty small, and we got a table on the right hand side, Tim and me on one side, and Jessie and the baby on the other. There was a little freezer with a sliding, horizontal window on the way in, and it held the ingredients for the ice cream that you could make yourself. I chose mostly fruity stuff, and when the server brought it and I took my first bite, I was in heaven. Again, I don't remember anything of what we talked about, so I'll just skip ahead to one more recollection I have of Tim and Jessie.
In an email conversation, I told Tim that I needed to buy an electric razor. So, he, Jessie and I all went to the center of the main city, parked in a pay parking lot and headed out to go to an electronics fair. But first, we headed to a large park to walk around a bit and talk. It was beautiful there: there was a huge fountain in the middle, and there were stone paths leading in several directions out from it. Each path went to a different area: one went to a miniature forest, another went up a little hill to the south, and yet another passed by a tiny lake on its way back to the main road where cars were whizzing by. I steered us to the lake, talking with Tim and Jessie as I looked at the fish in the waters.
That was one of many moments where a flash of euphoria hit me. Everything became clear at once: I was a great man, abroad, and seeing something that almost no other man from America had ever seen. And even better, there was more to come. As an unmarried man, there was always more to come.
Tim, Jessie and I walked the rest of the way to the electronics fair, which was being held in a massive tent in the middle of another park. Inside, there were stalls set up as far as the eye could see. There was an appliance shop, a music store, a computer parts store, every kind of shop you could imagine for the technologically deprived. We couldn't find my razor, but I went to browse around a computer game store for a little while, seeing if there were any new games released while I was abroad. I saw one that looked interesting: Lord of the Rings - Tactics for the PSP. At that moment, I didn't have enough money to get it, but I felt another rush of euphoria as I held the game in my hands.
In a month, I can buy this, I thought to myself, and nobody can stop me.
In truth, it wasn't the game I was interested in so much as it was the freedom of purchasing it. I had spent so much of my life being chained down by college debts, sky high rent and food bills, or being denied by the people who controlled the money (my parents, my landlord...). But this was one of the first moments that I realized that I was going to be the one to control my finances, because I was the one who would be making the cash. I would provide for myself, and entertain myself, with my own strength. And if I ever ran short of money, or wanted to buy something out of my price range, then I would just work harder.
As for Tim and Jessie, I met them several more times in the coming months. I admit that our earlier experiences are very fuzzy to me now (most likely because they were classes), but I just wanted to introduce them in this Then and Now. In any case, I'm still thankful to them for providing me that experience inside and outside the electronics tent, where I caught short glimpses of my true strength of the man I was.
As for today...
I woke up at 8:30.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I watched TV.
I ate lunch.
My wife and son went out with his grandma.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home, so I turned off the computer.
I took my son to the arcade, then we ate at McDonald's, then we went home.
I watched TV.
My wife went out with her mom.
I played cars with my son.
I roughhoused with him.
My wife came home.
I ate dinner.
I watched TV.
I played video games.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I played video games.
I slept.
Time: Mid-2007, single and at the hostel.
Tim and Jessie were a married couple that I met online for tutoring, and were the first people that wanted to learn English from me while paying me for my time. I was a bit nervous going to talk with them at first, because while I had tutored before, this time, I needed the money to feed myself. I was planning all kinds of topics to bring up and some grammar points, but I wasn't sure if they would be satisifed with my lesson.
We met at a train station a mile or two east of the hostel. It was a big hub of activity for me while I lived at the hostel, where I met at least a dozen friends and tutor students before we found a place to adventure or talk. Beneath the skywalk of the train station, I met the two. Tim was a man in his thirties with glasses and a wide smile, and had a direct, but friendly, character. Jessie was his wife, also in her thirties, and was quieter, but very friendly and attentive. We walked back towards the hostel until we came to a coffee shop to have our class.
The front of the coffee shop had a couple of tables and the register where an employee was working, but behind a glass and wooden partisan was the back of the store, where we decided to talk. It was a great little place. There were couches to lie out on (instead of tables and chairs), and there was quite a bit of local art hanging on the walls: several figure pieces of local people, a still life of some fruit and a landscape piece. I don't remember anything that we talked about, except sharing some of my experiences abroad, but it was a fun class. I had some nice coffee, and I got paid, too.
We met up again a few days later, when Tim and Jessie picked me up in their car. This time, though, they brought their daughter with them. She was the cutest pudgy baby I had ever seen. I spent a long time making faces and lightly poking her in the back of the car. When we got to our destination, a small ice cream restaurant, they let me hold her as we walked in. She was very easygoing about it, and when we got inside, I passed her back to her parents.
The restaurant was pretty small, and we got a table on the right hand side, Tim and me on one side, and Jessie and the baby on the other. There was a little freezer with a sliding, horizontal window on the way in, and it held the ingredients for the ice cream that you could make yourself. I chose mostly fruity stuff, and when the server brought it and I took my first bite, I was in heaven. Again, I don't remember anything of what we talked about, so I'll just skip ahead to one more recollection I have of Tim and Jessie.
In an email conversation, I told Tim that I needed to buy an electric razor. So, he, Jessie and I all went to the center of the main city, parked in a pay parking lot and headed out to go to an electronics fair. But first, we headed to a large park to walk around a bit and talk. It was beautiful there: there was a huge fountain in the middle, and there were stone paths leading in several directions out from it. Each path went to a different area: one went to a miniature forest, another went up a little hill to the south, and yet another passed by a tiny lake on its way back to the main road where cars were whizzing by. I steered us to the lake, talking with Tim and Jessie as I looked at the fish in the waters.
That was one of many moments where a flash of euphoria hit me. Everything became clear at once: I was a great man, abroad, and seeing something that almost no other man from America had ever seen. And even better, there was more to come. As an unmarried man, there was always more to come.
Tim, Jessie and I walked the rest of the way to the electronics fair, which was being held in a massive tent in the middle of another park. Inside, there were stalls set up as far as the eye could see. There was an appliance shop, a music store, a computer parts store, every kind of shop you could imagine for the technologically deprived. We couldn't find my razor, but I went to browse around a computer game store for a little while, seeing if there were any new games released while I was abroad. I saw one that looked interesting: Lord of the Rings - Tactics for the PSP. At that moment, I didn't have enough money to get it, but I felt another rush of euphoria as I held the game in my hands.
In a month, I can buy this, I thought to myself, and nobody can stop me.
In truth, it wasn't the game I was interested in so much as it was the freedom of purchasing it. I had spent so much of my life being chained down by college debts, sky high rent and food bills, or being denied by the people who controlled the money (my parents, my landlord...). But this was one of the first moments that I realized that I was going to be the one to control my finances, because I was the one who would be making the cash. I would provide for myself, and entertain myself, with my own strength. And if I ever ran short of money, or wanted to buy something out of my price range, then I would just work harder.
As for Tim and Jessie, I met them several more times in the coming months. I admit that our earlier experiences are very fuzzy to me now (most likely because they were classes), but I just wanted to introduce them in this Then and Now. In any case, I'm still thankful to them for providing me that experience inside and outside the electronics tent, where I caught short glimpses of my true strength of the man I was.
As for today...
I woke up at 8:30.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I watched TV.
I ate lunch.
My wife and son went out with his grandma.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home, so I turned off the computer.
I took my son to the arcade, then we ate at McDonald's, then we went home.
I watched TV.
My wife went out with her mom.
I played cars with my son.
I roughhoused with him.
My wife came home.
I ate dinner.
I watched TV.
I played video games.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I played video games.
I slept.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Then and Now 32 - Amy
Then and Now 32 - Amy
Time: Late 2007, single and at my apartment.
I had finished up a shift of work one day, and had taught my final student for the evening: this whip-smart young girl who easily rivalled native English speakers in skill. She was one of my best students, in terms of not only skill and study ethic, but cheery and funny personality, as well. When she had left, my boss came in the classroom with two locals I didn't know. One was a beautiful girl in her twenties, and the other was a guy who was a decade or two older.
I soon learned that the girl, Amy, was a somewhat known (now semi-famous) model who had appeared in magazines, at store openings and at several charity events in this country and a few others. The man was her manager, and spoke mostly in the local language with my boss while I listened in. They had come to the school looking for a foreigner to teach Amy English so she could better communicate as she worked around the world. I was going to be paid thirty dollars an hour for a class or two every week, if I accepted.
I agreed, and introduced myself to both of them. Almost immediately, I acted like a complete idiot when I heard Amy's working name, which sounded like something in another language I had learned, and I told her this. I was trying to show my language skill to provide examples of how I could help her learn, but it turned out that Amy knew about the slightly suggestive double meaning from dozens of other people. I saw a flash of annoyance as she told me, but I didn't know she was really bothered about it until later, when I apologized for my comment. But at that point, we were getting along very well. I got to know about her and the work she did modeling clothes, the places she had been and her experiences abroad, and I shared some of my own stories traveling around. She and her manager left shortly after, and Amy and I met up in the middle of town, just outside the main station, a few days later.
The restaurant where we got something to eat was a great place. There were two floors, and the walls were large glass windows that provided looks to the tree-lined streets outside. There were many pieces of local art and pictures hanging all over the walls, including vases, landscape pictures, local flora, and much more. It was a fancy place, one that I never really ate at because I wanted to save money for charity later, but there I was with a beautiful model that day. And not only that, but Amy had a minority, but substantial, stake in the restaurant, so she and I got to eat for free. We ate on the second floor a little ways away from a wide window that looked out onto a couple of apartment buildings and a little park down the road. She had some vegetables and a little spaghetti, while I had some incredibly delicious breaded soup.
Our tutoring session was a pretty simple affair: I shared a couple of English idioms with her based on some common themes (Hammer of God, drop the hammer, etc...), and used them as a springboard to let her practice her speaking skills on other topics. About half an hour later, some friends of hers came over and sat at a table nearby, and she talked with them in the local language about what they were up to. After a short while, I waved hello to everyone, then Amy and I went back to our lesson. When lunch and our class was done, we went outside, and I took a picture with her so I could brag to my friends about knowing a model. She and I set up another time to meet up, then I started down the road back to the main station.
It was either a Sunday or a Tuesday that day, because I didn't have work in the afternoon and the sun was still shining brightly after that lunch class. The roads were pretty clear of traffic, but there was still quite a bit of bustle from other pedestrians and a couple of cars zooming by. I walked down the hot streets for a while, until I came by a freeway underpass where I sought shelter from the sun for a bit. A little bit later, I found myself in front of a museum or office building of some sort, and there was a strange sculpture out front: it was a little tower, maybe twenty feet high, and made of metal. The metal wound around itself like a double helix, then met up at a colored, metallic circle on the top. It hit me there, as it hit me many other times before I got married, that I was a stranger in a strange land and seeing little sights like this every day, when every other person I had ever known was back home and going through the same routine day in and day out. I felt blessed.
As if on cue, when I was starting to near the main station, I saw a very large temple across the street on my right, so I decided it would be nice to have a look. I don't remember what the outside looked like, but inside, it was spacious, tall and very clean. The ceiling was at least twenty or thirty feet high, the floors were sparkling white, and there were several white columns in a square pattern holding the building up. A balcony ran in a circle around the top of the building on the second floor, and behind it were several little offices and a library where the caretakers studied and slept, but I didn't want to intrude by going up to look around more closely.
Across from the entrance was the very best sight of all, though: there were three golden statues of famous religious figures, each serenly looking out on the peaceful, but empty, temple. I was the only one there at that time, and it seemed like I was the only one being looked after by the local deities. If that was the case, I wouldn't have been surprised: I was still a single man, I just had lunch with a beautiful model, and I was enjoying every minute of my fun life. Who wouldn't feel blessed at that point?
As for today...
I woke up at 10:00.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I ate lunch.
I watched TV.
I played cars with my son.
My wife took him to his grandma's house.
I played video games.
I went out to tutor a student.
I came home to an empty house.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home, so I turned off the computer.
I ate dinner.
I started a load of laundry.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I slept.
Time: Late 2007, single and at my apartment.
I had finished up a shift of work one day, and had taught my final student for the evening: this whip-smart young girl who easily rivalled native English speakers in skill. She was one of my best students, in terms of not only skill and study ethic, but cheery and funny personality, as well. When she had left, my boss came in the classroom with two locals I didn't know. One was a beautiful girl in her twenties, and the other was a guy who was a decade or two older.
I soon learned that the girl, Amy, was a somewhat known (now semi-famous) model who had appeared in magazines, at store openings and at several charity events in this country and a few others. The man was her manager, and spoke mostly in the local language with my boss while I listened in. They had come to the school looking for a foreigner to teach Amy English so she could better communicate as she worked around the world. I was going to be paid thirty dollars an hour for a class or two every week, if I accepted.
I agreed, and introduced myself to both of them. Almost immediately, I acted like a complete idiot when I heard Amy's working name, which sounded like something in another language I had learned, and I told her this. I was trying to show my language skill to provide examples of how I could help her learn, but it turned out that Amy knew about the slightly suggestive double meaning from dozens of other people. I saw a flash of annoyance as she told me, but I didn't know she was really bothered about it until later, when I apologized for my comment. But at that point, we were getting along very well. I got to know about her and the work she did modeling clothes, the places she had been and her experiences abroad, and I shared some of my own stories traveling around. She and her manager left shortly after, and Amy and I met up in the middle of town, just outside the main station, a few days later.
The restaurant where we got something to eat was a great place. There were two floors, and the walls were large glass windows that provided looks to the tree-lined streets outside. There were many pieces of local art and pictures hanging all over the walls, including vases, landscape pictures, local flora, and much more. It was a fancy place, one that I never really ate at because I wanted to save money for charity later, but there I was with a beautiful model that day. And not only that, but Amy had a minority, but substantial, stake in the restaurant, so she and I got to eat for free. We ate on the second floor a little ways away from a wide window that looked out onto a couple of apartment buildings and a little park down the road. She had some vegetables and a little spaghetti, while I had some incredibly delicious breaded soup.
Our tutoring session was a pretty simple affair: I shared a couple of English idioms with her based on some common themes (Hammer of God, drop the hammer, etc...), and used them as a springboard to let her practice her speaking skills on other topics. About half an hour later, some friends of hers came over and sat at a table nearby, and she talked with them in the local language about what they were up to. After a short while, I waved hello to everyone, then Amy and I went back to our lesson. When lunch and our class was done, we went outside, and I took a picture with her so I could brag to my friends about knowing a model. She and I set up another time to meet up, then I started down the road back to the main station.
It was either a Sunday or a Tuesday that day, because I didn't have work in the afternoon and the sun was still shining brightly after that lunch class. The roads were pretty clear of traffic, but there was still quite a bit of bustle from other pedestrians and a couple of cars zooming by. I walked down the hot streets for a while, until I came by a freeway underpass where I sought shelter from the sun for a bit. A little bit later, I found myself in front of a museum or office building of some sort, and there was a strange sculpture out front: it was a little tower, maybe twenty feet high, and made of metal. The metal wound around itself like a double helix, then met up at a colored, metallic circle on the top. It hit me there, as it hit me many other times before I got married, that I was a stranger in a strange land and seeing little sights like this every day, when every other person I had ever known was back home and going through the same routine day in and day out. I felt blessed.
As if on cue, when I was starting to near the main station, I saw a very large temple across the street on my right, so I decided it would be nice to have a look. I don't remember what the outside looked like, but inside, it was spacious, tall and very clean. The ceiling was at least twenty or thirty feet high, the floors were sparkling white, and there were several white columns in a square pattern holding the building up. A balcony ran in a circle around the top of the building on the second floor, and behind it were several little offices and a library where the caretakers studied and slept, but I didn't want to intrude by going up to look around more closely.
Across from the entrance was the very best sight of all, though: there were three golden statues of famous religious figures, each serenly looking out on the peaceful, but empty, temple. I was the only one there at that time, and it seemed like I was the only one being looked after by the local deities. If that was the case, I wouldn't have been surprised: I was still a single man, I just had lunch with a beautiful model, and I was enjoying every minute of my fun life. Who wouldn't feel blessed at that point?
As for today...
I woke up at 10:00.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I ate lunch.
I watched TV.
I played cars with my son.
My wife took him to his grandma's house.
I played video games.
I went out to tutor a student.
I came home to an empty house.
I played video games.
My wife and son came home, so I turned off the computer.
I ate dinner.
I started a load of laundry.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I slept.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Leverage and divorce
I find it odd that most of the people who discuss why not to get married focus primarily on what might happen in the case of a divorce. It seems that there are very few people who discuss the things that you are nearly guaranteed to lose in a marriage: your strength, your money, your freedom, your time and your dreams. Because of this, I think it's quite easy for people to dismiss the numerous consequences of marriage and go for it anyway, because they don't know any better. I know I didn't. Hardly anybody mentions the things they'll probably lose, and the one thing they do mention, divorce, is easily explained away as impossible:
"Oh, my husband would never do that!"
"I love her, and that'll never change!"
"We'll be together forever!"
It's sad, because people brush aside the things they should know that they'll never have again, and focus on potential divorce as an impossible circumstance. But what is marriage, really? I hear the canard "the joining of two souls" or some such pithy statements a lot, but that's not what marriage is. Mutual support, friendship, love and the like are what make up a long term relationship, not marriage; marriage is the legal contract that's signed when two people decide to stay with one another for the rest of their lives. In reality, it's three things:
- A legal incorporation in the place that you live.
Depending on where you live and your gender, this will either tilt the scale far in your favor, or against you. In America, for example, women come out on top. 90% of the time that alimony is paid, it's from a man to a woman. 70% of the time, women receive sole custody of the children, with only 10% of the time being solely to a man, which means about 70% of the time, a man pays his ex-wife child support (which is not guaranteed, or even checked, to go to the children, and not the ex-wife's luxuries). And around 70% of the time, a woman initiates the divorce, probably in part to the above "long straw" bargain a woman consistently draws.
I don't have a clue about the divorce laws here. But I have spoken to one woman about it, a tutor student who divorced a few years ago, and from her surprised reaction at the above statistics, I can only conclude that men get a better financial shake here. She does have full custody of the kids, though, which is the biggest thing that worries me about a divorce with my wife.
- The coerced caretaking of the weaker partner by the stronger one.
It's caretaking because when one partner falls, the entire marriage goes with it. It's coerced because of the oath taken when the contract is signed, and depending on where you live and who you are, the alternative (divorce) could leave you stripped of everything you have worked for.
In my marriage, I work harder, am more emotionally stable, spend more time with my son, start less fights, pay more money and sacrifice more than my wife. In every possible way, I am the stronger spouse, so she takes everything I have to offer. In return, she causes me trouble or wants more.
- The transfer of a criminal amount of leverage from a man to a woman.
The first point above shows that women often get the better deal in a divorce, and even countries of tradition the world over are giving more incentive to women to divorce, not men. A woman, when divorcing a man, will be taken care of better than her ex-husband.
Women are also more likely to be treated with kid gloves by the media. If a husband hits his wife, he's rightly called out as an abuser. If a wife hits her husband, it's funny, or because he's a loser. If a husband stops doing chores, he's a knuckle-dragging, unappreciative, lazy neanderthal. If a wife stops doing chores, it's righteous payback, or because she's overworked. In almost any case, a wife's behavior is not equal to her husband's.
A wife also completely controls her husband's sex life. If he does anything to displease her, she will cut him off until he comes around, or divorce him and receive the benefits listed above. When the ring is on a man's finger, he has no choice but to abide by a life of back-to-back sexual deserts if his wife is ever in a bad mood. And because it's social custom not to blame a wife for a divorce, unless for extreme circumstances like child abuse or murder (and even then, women can still be "depressed" or "pushed into it" instead of monsters), she faces little denigration, or even punishment, for her bad behavior.
Now put all of the points I mentioned together: a wife is under no obligation to do anything for her husband, she controls her husband's sex life, and she controls the custody of their children and the bulk of his finances through threat of divorce. She is backed up not only by the legal system, but also by society's expectations of husbands and wives. Even when she acts badly and the marriage falls through because of her actions, she is the one who is rewarded. In other words, there are no consequences whatsoever for a wife to act as badly as she wishes in a marriage, knowing the consequence, divorce, will almost assuredly go in her favor. Because after all, if someone has a gun trained on you, they don't need to pull the trigger to make you do what they want.
When a human being is offered the chance to acquire and use power, and to leverage themselves into a better position in life through consequence-free action, they will tend to use it. A good way to prove my point would be to ask a few questions:
If someone handed you a million dollars, string free, and you got to use it any way you wished, what would you spend it on? Most people would take the money and buy themselves a new car or house, or reupholster their furniture, or get a new TV, or quit their jobs and retire at a younger age. Unlike most others, though, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have earned that money, so I wouldn't feel comfortable using it on myself; it would feel like a cheat. So I would either refuse the money, or I would take it, pay the requisite taxes, give the rest to charity, then give the tax refund for the charitable donation to charity, too.
If you killed someone, and your lawyer found a legal loophole that would guarantee you to be found not guilty, what would you plead? Most people would try to beat the rap, then rationalize that they would make it up to the world later, or that the law had spoken. Or maybe they wouldn't care, and would just want to avoid punishment. I would plead guilty. I did the crime, and I would deserve to be punished for it, if for nothing else than the victim's family's peace of mind.
Do you download movies, music or video games from the internet, knowing you probably won't get caught? Do you treat clerks and waiters at stores and restaurants rudely, knowing they can't fight back? Do you misrepresent yourself when trying to get a date, knowing your partner won't find out until you've gotten what you want from them? I don't do any of those things either, but I bet most of the people reading this would admit to at least one of the above instances, where they would choose using strength for selfish or hurtful reasons at the expense of others.
It's human nature to try to maneuver ourselves into a better position. And because women are offered the opportunity to behave as badly as they wish in a marriage, only to be rewarded for it in the end, the only thing stopping her is her moral code. And how many people have one of those, much less rigidly adhere to it at all times? For a man to avoid being put in the position that I mentioned in my Spectator post, to be given only negative-negative decisions, then he must avoid getting married. It doesn't matter what his girlfriend is like before he marries her; people change. It only took my wife a year after we moved in together to go from supportive, sexual and fun, to controlling, demanding, rude, lazy and frigid. To avoid choosing between:
- Taking a trip and losing sex, or not doing what he wants and having sex
- Working a job he wants and losing his kids, or working a job he hates and having his kids
- Winning a fight because he's right and accepting passive-aggressive revenge and possible divorce, or losing a fight even though he's right and pleasing his keeper
...or anything similar, a man must avoid marriage at all costs.
If my wife and I divorce, I will lose access to my son (and hurt him for the rest of his life). In addition, she'll probably move back in with her mother, where he'll be exposed to the destructive impulses of my in-laws. And this is where the leverage of my wife over me lies: she knows that I'm a good man and I love our son, and it's better for him to be with us while we're together, so I'll never divorce her. And that's why she can, and does, treat me like garbage: because she knows I'm not going anywhere for our son's sake.
Compare that to the woman she was when we were dating, when she knew that if she caused me too much trouble, I would have dumped her. After all, there weren't only the dozen or so women who were chasing me during that time, but millions of other women in the country, and hundreds of millions the world over, who I could have been with. She had incentive to behave in our relationship, because if she didn't, she would have lost me. As a result, she treated me with respect. It's the same respect she offers her friends, boss and extended family now, because if she ever treated them like she treats me now, they would leave her. It's the same respect she seldom ever shows me now. If you want to maintain strength and leverage in your life and relationships (and ideally to use that strength and leverage to treat the people around you with kindness and respect), then avoid marriage.
I find it odd that many people dismiss, or are ignorant of, the things that happen in a marriage, which are the many weights that bury me in my purgatory. Equally odd is that these same people ignore or explain away the horrors of divorce, but to me, it's conceptually a good thing. What better way to prove your commitment to someone than removing that contract from your relationship, and showing through your action, not through financial or social mandate, that you want to be with them? What better way to show your love than to allow your partner the opportunity to leave if they find that the relationship is unfixable and not what they thought it would be, and not force them to stick around despite their wishes?
For men, though, divorce would seem to be a disastrous end to an unfulfilling marriage. Having his children taken away, alimony, poverty, it all sounds like a nightmare. It might be a surprise to know that, apart from losing my son, I really don't care about that stuff.
I disagree with child support, because if someone has custody of the children, they should be paying. It's the same reason I agree wholeheartedly with equal, joint custody, with heavy penalties for proof of interference from one ex-spouse on another. But I'll pay if I have to. I also fundamentally disagree with paying alimony for more than three months, because it seems like a tacit way of saying to women that they can't support themselves, and that they need a man to take care of them. And this act seems an effective way of disempowering women by offering them an attractive, but ultimately self-destructive, life of co-dependency and irresponsibility.
But for me, as a man, who really cares if I lose all of my money and then some for several years, if I can get my life back after the divorce is over? It's not the divorce that matters as much as it is the marriage, which is a life of subservience that awaits anyone who gives up all leverage over their life to another human being, who by nature is wired to utilize that strength to put themselves in a better position, even at the expense of their partner.
How much would you pay for your life and dreams?
If you answered anything less than "everything I have right now," then you have no idea how much you've lost in the prison of marriage. Divorces cost men a lot, yes. But they cost a lot because they're worth it. Coast through decades of moderate to severe mediocrity, boredom and/or suffering, or pour alcohol on the wound, let it sting for a couple of years, then be back to awesome in no time. It's up to you.
But to those people out there who are permanently mired in marriage because they have children, like me, I'm sorry you've made the one and only decision in life for which there is no solution or escape that doesn't end in destroying someone.
"Oh, my husband would never do that!"
"I love her, and that'll never change!"
"We'll be together forever!"
It's sad, because people brush aside the things they should know that they'll never have again, and focus on potential divorce as an impossible circumstance. But what is marriage, really? I hear the canard "the joining of two souls" or some such pithy statements a lot, but that's not what marriage is. Mutual support, friendship, love and the like are what make up a long term relationship, not marriage; marriage is the legal contract that's signed when two people decide to stay with one another for the rest of their lives. In reality, it's three things:
- A legal incorporation in the place that you live.
Depending on where you live and your gender, this will either tilt the scale far in your favor, or against you. In America, for example, women come out on top. 90% of the time that alimony is paid, it's from a man to a woman. 70% of the time, women receive sole custody of the children, with only 10% of the time being solely to a man, which means about 70% of the time, a man pays his ex-wife child support (which is not guaranteed, or even checked, to go to the children, and not the ex-wife's luxuries). And around 70% of the time, a woman initiates the divorce, probably in part to the above "long straw" bargain a woman consistently draws.
I don't have a clue about the divorce laws here. But I have spoken to one woman about it, a tutor student who divorced a few years ago, and from her surprised reaction at the above statistics, I can only conclude that men get a better financial shake here. She does have full custody of the kids, though, which is the biggest thing that worries me about a divorce with my wife.
- The coerced caretaking of the weaker partner by the stronger one.
It's caretaking because when one partner falls, the entire marriage goes with it. It's coerced because of the oath taken when the contract is signed, and depending on where you live and who you are, the alternative (divorce) could leave you stripped of everything you have worked for.
In my marriage, I work harder, am more emotionally stable, spend more time with my son, start less fights, pay more money and sacrifice more than my wife. In every possible way, I am the stronger spouse, so she takes everything I have to offer. In return, she causes me trouble or wants more.
- The transfer of a criminal amount of leverage from a man to a woman.
The first point above shows that women often get the better deal in a divorce, and even countries of tradition the world over are giving more incentive to women to divorce, not men. A woman, when divorcing a man, will be taken care of better than her ex-husband.
Women are also more likely to be treated with kid gloves by the media. If a husband hits his wife, he's rightly called out as an abuser. If a wife hits her husband, it's funny, or because he's a loser. If a husband stops doing chores, he's a knuckle-dragging, unappreciative, lazy neanderthal. If a wife stops doing chores, it's righteous payback, or because she's overworked. In almost any case, a wife's behavior is not equal to her husband's.
A wife also completely controls her husband's sex life. If he does anything to displease her, she will cut him off until he comes around, or divorce him and receive the benefits listed above. When the ring is on a man's finger, he has no choice but to abide by a life of back-to-back sexual deserts if his wife is ever in a bad mood. And because it's social custom not to blame a wife for a divorce, unless for extreme circumstances like child abuse or murder (and even then, women can still be "depressed" or "pushed into it" instead of monsters), she faces little denigration, or even punishment, for her bad behavior.
Now put all of the points I mentioned together: a wife is under no obligation to do anything for her husband, she controls her husband's sex life, and she controls the custody of their children and the bulk of his finances through threat of divorce. She is backed up not only by the legal system, but also by society's expectations of husbands and wives. Even when she acts badly and the marriage falls through because of her actions, she is the one who is rewarded. In other words, there are no consequences whatsoever for a wife to act as badly as she wishes in a marriage, knowing the consequence, divorce, will almost assuredly go in her favor. Because after all, if someone has a gun trained on you, they don't need to pull the trigger to make you do what they want.
When a human being is offered the chance to acquire and use power, and to leverage themselves into a better position in life through consequence-free action, they will tend to use it. A good way to prove my point would be to ask a few questions:
If someone handed you a million dollars, string free, and you got to use it any way you wished, what would you spend it on? Most people would take the money and buy themselves a new car or house, or reupholster their furniture, or get a new TV, or quit their jobs and retire at a younger age. Unlike most others, though, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have earned that money, so I wouldn't feel comfortable using it on myself; it would feel like a cheat. So I would either refuse the money, or I would take it, pay the requisite taxes, give the rest to charity, then give the tax refund for the charitable donation to charity, too.
If you killed someone, and your lawyer found a legal loophole that would guarantee you to be found not guilty, what would you plead? Most people would try to beat the rap, then rationalize that they would make it up to the world later, or that the law had spoken. Or maybe they wouldn't care, and would just want to avoid punishment. I would plead guilty. I did the crime, and I would deserve to be punished for it, if for nothing else than the victim's family's peace of mind.
Do you download movies, music or video games from the internet, knowing you probably won't get caught? Do you treat clerks and waiters at stores and restaurants rudely, knowing they can't fight back? Do you misrepresent yourself when trying to get a date, knowing your partner won't find out until you've gotten what you want from them? I don't do any of those things either, but I bet most of the people reading this would admit to at least one of the above instances, where they would choose using strength for selfish or hurtful reasons at the expense of others.
It's human nature to try to maneuver ourselves into a better position. And because women are offered the opportunity to behave as badly as they wish in a marriage, only to be rewarded for it in the end, the only thing stopping her is her moral code. And how many people have one of those, much less rigidly adhere to it at all times? For a man to avoid being put in the position that I mentioned in my Spectator post, to be given only negative-negative decisions, then he must avoid getting married. It doesn't matter what his girlfriend is like before he marries her; people change. It only took my wife a year after we moved in together to go from supportive, sexual and fun, to controlling, demanding, rude, lazy and frigid. To avoid choosing between:
- Taking a trip and losing sex, or not doing what he wants and having sex
- Working a job he wants and losing his kids, or working a job he hates and having his kids
- Winning a fight because he's right and accepting passive-aggressive revenge and possible divorce, or losing a fight even though he's right and pleasing his keeper
...or anything similar, a man must avoid marriage at all costs.
If my wife and I divorce, I will lose access to my son (and hurt him for the rest of his life). In addition, she'll probably move back in with her mother, where he'll be exposed to the destructive impulses of my in-laws. And this is where the leverage of my wife over me lies: she knows that I'm a good man and I love our son, and it's better for him to be with us while we're together, so I'll never divorce her. And that's why she can, and does, treat me like garbage: because she knows I'm not going anywhere for our son's sake.
Compare that to the woman she was when we were dating, when she knew that if she caused me too much trouble, I would have dumped her. After all, there weren't only the dozen or so women who were chasing me during that time, but millions of other women in the country, and hundreds of millions the world over, who I could have been with. She had incentive to behave in our relationship, because if she didn't, she would have lost me. As a result, she treated me with respect. It's the same respect she offers her friends, boss and extended family now, because if she ever treated them like she treats me now, they would leave her. It's the same respect she seldom ever shows me now. If you want to maintain strength and leverage in your life and relationships (and ideally to use that strength and leverage to treat the people around you with kindness and respect), then avoid marriage.
I find it odd that many people dismiss, or are ignorant of, the things that happen in a marriage, which are the many weights that bury me in my purgatory. Equally odd is that these same people ignore or explain away the horrors of divorce, but to me, it's conceptually a good thing. What better way to prove your commitment to someone than removing that contract from your relationship, and showing through your action, not through financial or social mandate, that you want to be with them? What better way to show your love than to allow your partner the opportunity to leave if they find that the relationship is unfixable and not what they thought it would be, and not force them to stick around despite their wishes?
For men, though, divorce would seem to be a disastrous end to an unfulfilling marriage. Having his children taken away, alimony, poverty, it all sounds like a nightmare. It might be a surprise to know that, apart from losing my son, I really don't care about that stuff.
I disagree with child support, because if someone has custody of the children, they should be paying. It's the same reason I agree wholeheartedly with equal, joint custody, with heavy penalties for proof of interference from one ex-spouse on another. But I'll pay if I have to. I also fundamentally disagree with paying alimony for more than three months, because it seems like a tacit way of saying to women that they can't support themselves, and that they need a man to take care of them. And this act seems an effective way of disempowering women by offering them an attractive, but ultimately self-destructive, life of co-dependency and irresponsibility.
But for me, as a man, who really cares if I lose all of my money and then some for several years, if I can get my life back after the divorce is over? It's not the divorce that matters as much as it is the marriage, which is a life of subservience that awaits anyone who gives up all leverage over their life to another human being, who by nature is wired to utilize that strength to put themselves in a better position, even at the expense of their partner.
How much would you pay for your life and dreams?
If you answered anything less than "everything I have right now," then you have no idea how much you've lost in the prison of marriage. Divorces cost men a lot, yes. But they cost a lot because they're worth it. Coast through decades of moderate to severe mediocrity, boredom and/or suffering, or pour alcohol on the wound, let it sting for a couple of years, then be back to awesome in no time. It's up to you.
But to those people out there who are permanently mired in marriage because they have children, like me, I'm sorry you've made the one and only decision in life for which there is no solution or escape that doesn't end in destroying someone.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Then and Now 31 - Odds and Ends 3
Then and Now 31 - Odds and Ends 3
Time: Before I got married.
Just a week or so after I got to my apartment, I was walking from the subway station outside of my town back to my place. I had taken the trip by bus from the main city to my house several times, but that day, I wanted to try hoofing it. It was a very hot day that day, but I was extremely happy with the view from the bridge over the river. Where I had to look around the heads of dozens of people and through less than clear windows from the bus before, I was free to check out the huge, sparkling river from my vantage point that day.
There was a huge line of green on both sides of the river. The area I was heading from was still part of the main city, and it was a huge line of shining buildings that sat opposite the more humble buildings of my town. When I got to the end of the bridge, I began to wander the city in search of my house, not quite realizing at that point how huge my town was. I was actually just north of the park, but not knowing where I was going, I wandered from store to store asking people how to get home.
The people were really nice, and bit by bit, I not only found a line of computer stores to find some stuff I needed later, but I was slowly able to piece together an idea of where I was, then finally got home to shower and enjoy a day in peace and quiet.
-----
A week or so after I came to this country, my bud and I were taking a walk around town on a very hot day. He pointed us to an Airsoft store across the road, and we went inside to talk with the owners there. I wasn't interested in the guns, and they were speaking completely in the local language (which I still didn't understand), so I tried to pick out pieces of what they were saying with my limited ability. I heard a couple of key terms related to buying and selling.
When they were done, and my bud and I were outside, I saw half a dozen locals waiting at the red light to cross the street, and between them was a cute little brown dog. I watched in amazement as the pup waited at the light with everybody, then when the light turned green, he crossed with everyone else with a big panting grin on his face. I couldn't stop laughing.
-----
This next memory from my hostel days is incredibly hazy. I remember being out with a group of friends, and we were taking a walk through a market area to see what there was to see. I don't remember any of their names or faces, but I remember us laughing and having a great time weaving through a couple of outdoor clothes stalls and alleys as we blundered our way back to the main station. There was nothing on the horizon for me that night: no chores, obligations or people waiting for me to take care of something. There was just me and my new friends, wandering around aimlessly and talking as we had a nice walk in the night air.
I haven't had a day like that in years.
-----
One night at the hostel, I was up late at about one or two in the morning and talking with May on the couch in front of the receptionist's desk. Although she and I were keeping our voices soft with how late it was, we were suddenly surprised by a foreigner bursting out of the only single room in the establishment. Red faced and wild-eyed, with his local girlfriend cowering behind him, he glared straight at us.
"Hey, it's really late and I'm trying to sleep," he growled. "Do you see these walls? They're paper thin." He then clenched his hand into a fist and pounded the wall several times, as if either May or I, sitting outside, would understand how our voices sounded from the inside.
I smiled. "Sorry, man," I said. "We'll keep it down." He scowled, then stormed back into his room, slamming the door behind him. I looked to May and said we should probably head to bed, and that I'd see her the next day. She looked a bit rattled, but agreed, and we went to our rooms.
Five years before, I would have shut down and looked at the floor while I apologized, then felt sore about it for weeks. Two years before, I would have insulted him in an effort to provoke a fight. But that night, I only thought, This guy's probably having a rough time. I hope he feels better soon. At that moment, I was very proud of the great strides in life that I had made, to truthfully think so well of someone acting so primitively. I also think that that coolness was a factor in May starting to like me in the coming weeks.
-----
One weekend off from work, I went to the big city with an unfortunate situation waiting for me: I had booked three friends that I had met on the internet for a hangout time at the exact same time, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. On the bus and train ride over, I wondered what I was going to do. Would I hang out with some people the next day? If so, who would I hang with that night? When I arrived at the station where I was going to meet everyone, I decided I was going to meet everyone at the same time and host a little mini get-together for my new friends.
Rick, a funny and very nice guy, came early and was waiting for me when I got to the exit where everyone was meeting up. When I told him my plan, he said it was a great idea, and called another of his friends to come with us.
Alicia came next, a very tall and very overweight girl who absolutely refused to smile. When I told her my plan, she seemed to be ok with it, and I apologized by saying I would handle the bill.
I got a call on my cell shortly after from Jay, a quieter but nice guy, who was also in the station, but a little lost. He agreed to the party plan too, so I excused myself from Rick and Alicia and sped off to track down our final buddy for the night. I found him quickly enough, and he had brought his girlfriend, who was extremely quiet, but quite cute. We shook hands, then started planning where we could go that night.
When we all returned to the meet-up point, Rick was waiting for us, but Alicia was gone. I asked what happened, and Rick said she suddenly had some business to take care of. I felt kind of bad that she had left so early. I knew it was because I didn't call her earlier and tell her of my new plan, and that she either felt too shy in front of too many strangers, or because she wanted to date me, and having others there was proof that I just wanted to make a lot of friends.
In any case, after Rick's friend Kyle came by, our new group of five headed out to a restaurant, and we sat down in a V-shape. I was sitting with my back to the wall on a couch, and between the two tables where everyone else was sitting. Rick and Kyle were at the table on the left, and Jay and his girl were at the table on the right. It was quite a challenge for me to play host that night. Not only did we speak in a mix of the local language and English, which caused some communication problems, but Rick and Jay's groups weren't talking to each other at all.
I played mediator for about fifteen minutes: telling Jay that Rick was studying business, chatting up Jay's girlfriend while those two were talking, switching over to Kyle and talking about his favorite sights in the city, going back to Rick when his and Jay's conversation ran out of steam, and so on. It was tiring, but very fulfilling, to talk with those four at the same time. Eventually, everyone started talking to everyone about school, work, life at home and dozens of others topics without me having to pair everyone up.
The food was delicious and filling, the drinks were sweet, and the company was, of course, the very best part. I never heard from Alicia again, but Rick, Jay and I hung out one-on-one later. I don't know for sure, but maybe one of them was in that group of people walking through the markets that I mentioned earlier.
As for today...
I woke up at 6:00.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I ate lunch.
I watched TV.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I took my son to the arcade, then we went home.
My wife took him to his grandma's house.
I played video games.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I showered my son.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I did the dishes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I slept.
Time: Before I got married.
Just a week or so after I got to my apartment, I was walking from the subway station outside of my town back to my place. I had taken the trip by bus from the main city to my house several times, but that day, I wanted to try hoofing it. It was a very hot day that day, but I was extremely happy with the view from the bridge over the river. Where I had to look around the heads of dozens of people and through less than clear windows from the bus before, I was free to check out the huge, sparkling river from my vantage point that day.
There was a huge line of green on both sides of the river. The area I was heading from was still part of the main city, and it was a huge line of shining buildings that sat opposite the more humble buildings of my town. When I got to the end of the bridge, I began to wander the city in search of my house, not quite realizing at that point how huge my town was. I was actually just north of the park, but not knowing where I was going, I wandered from store to store asking people how to get home.
The people were really nice, and bit by bit, I not only found a line of computer stores to find some stuff I needed later, but I was slowly able to piece together an idea of where I was, then finally got home to shower and enjoy a day in peace and quiet.
-----
A week or so after I came to this country, my bud and I were taking a walk around town on a very hot day. He pointed us to an Airsoft store across the road, and we went inside to talk with the owners there. I wasn't interested in the guns, and they were speaking completely in the local language (which I still didn't understand), so I tried to pick out pieces of what they were saying with my limited ability. I heard a couple of key terms related to buying and selling.
When they were done, and my bud and I were outside, I saw half a dozen locals waiting at the red light to cross the street, and between them was a cute little brown dog. I watched in amazement as the pup waited at the light with everybody, then when the light turned green, he crossed with everyone else with a big panting grin on his face. I couldn't stop laughing.
-----
This next memory from my hostel days is incredibly hazy. I remember being out with a group of friends, and we were taking a walk through a market area to see what there was to see. I don't remember any of their names or faces, but I remember us laughing and having a great time weaving through a couple of outdoor clothes stalls and alleys as we blundered our way back to the main station. There was nothing on the horizon for me that night: no chores, obligations or people waiting for me to take care of something. There was just me and my new friends, wandering around aimlessly and talking as we had a nice walk in the night air.
I haven't had a day like that in years.
-----
One night at the hostel, I was up late at about one or two in the morning and talking with May on the couch in front of the receptionist's desk. Although she and I were keeping our voices soft with how late it was, we were suddenly surprised by a foreigner bursting out of the only single room in the establishment. Red faced and wild-eyed, with his local girlfriend cowering behind him, he glared straight at us.
"Hey, it's really late and I'm trying to sleep," he growled. "Do you see these walls? They're paper thin." He then clenched his hand into a fist and pounded the wall several times, as if either May or I, sitting outside, would understand how our voices sounded from the inside.
I smiled. "Sorry, man," I said. "We'll keep it down." He scowled, then stormed back into his room, slamming the door behind him. I looked to May and said we should probably head to bed, and that I'd see her the next day. She looked a bit rattled, but agreed, and we went to our rooms.
Five years before, I would have shut down and looked at the floor while I apologized, then felt sore about it for weeks. Two years before, I would have insulted him in an effort to provoke a fight. But that night, I only thought, This guy's probably having a rough time. I hope he feels better soon. At that moment, I was very proud of the great strides in life that I had made, to truthfully think so well of someone acting so primitively. I also think that that coolness was a factor in May starting to like me in the coming weeks.
-----
One weekend off from work, I went to the big city with an unfortunate situation waiting for me: I had booked three friends that I had met on the internet for a hangout time at the exact same time, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. On the bus and train ride over, I wondered what I was going to do. Would I hang out with some people the next day? If so, who would I hang with that night? When I arrived at the station where I was going to meet everyone, I decided I was going to meet everyone at the same time and host a little mini get-together for my new friends.
Rick, a funny and very nice guy, came early and was waiting for me when I got to the exit where everyone was meeting up. When I told him my plan, he said it was a great idea, and called another of his friends to come with us.
Alicia came next, a very tall and very overweight girl who absolutely refused to smile. When I told her my plan, she seemed to be ok with it, and I apologized by saying I would handle the bill.
I got a call on my cell shortly after from Jay, a quieter but nice guy, who was also in the station, but a little lost. He agreed to the party plan too, so I excused myself from Rick and Alicia and sped off to track down our final buddy for the night. I found him quickly enough, and he had brought his girlfriend, who was extremely quiet, but quite cute. We shook hands, then started planning where we could go that night.
When we all returned to the meet-up point, Rick was waiting for us, but Alicia was gone. I asked what happened, and Rick said she suddenly had some business to take care of. I felt kind of bad that she had left so early. I knew it was because I didn't call her earlier and tell her of my new plan, and that she either felt too shy in front of too many strangers, or because she wanted to date me, and having others there was proof that I just wanted to make a lot of friends.
In any case, after Rick's friend Kyle came by, our new group of five headed out to a restaurant, and we sat down in a V-shape. I was sitting with my back to the wall on a couch, and between the two tables where everyone else was sitting. Rick and Kyle were at the table on the left, and Jay and his girl were at the table on the right. It was quite a challenge for me to play host that night. Not only did we speak in a mix of the local language and English, which caused some communication problems, but Rick and Jay's groups weren't talking to each other at all.
I played mediator for about fifteen minutes: telling Jay that Rick was studying business, chatting up Jay's girlfriend while those two were talking, switching over to Kyle and talking about his favorite sights in the city, going back to Rick when his and Jay's conversation ran out of steam, and so on. It was tiring, but very fulfilling, to talk with those four at the same time. Eventually, everyone started talking to everyone about school, work, life at home and dozens of others topics without me having to pair everyone up.
The food was delicious and filling, the drinks were sweet, and the company was, of course, the very best part. I never heard from Alicia again, but Rick, Jay and I hung out one-on-one later. I don't know for sure, but maybe one of them was in that group of people walking through the markets that I mentioned earlier.
As for today...
I woke up at 6:00.
I played video games.
My wife and son woke up, so I turned off the computer.
I ate lunch.
I watched TV.
I went out for job training.
I came home.
I took my son to the arcade, then we went home.
My wife took him to his grandma's house.
I played video games.
I went to work.
I taught students.
I came home.
I showered my son.
I folded and put away dry clothes.
I did the dishes.
I cleaned up the floor and table.
I watched internet movies with my son.
I slept.
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