A whole month

Where have I been? What have I been doing?

Same place and nothing, as usual; this is marriage. If you thought marriage was usually made of night dancing, endless laughs on the boardwalk and abundant shared moments that last forever, well, you can think again. Nothing really important has happened in the last thirty days, and they've slipped by quickly, leaving me with 4750 days left on the counter until I'm free again.

The only minor things that happened this month were losing some classes at work to leave me with a more relaxing schedule, me spending lots of time with my son in games, blocks and action figure wars, and otherwise constant work.

I did end up making more money this month than any other month of my life: $3000. Of course, when I did the math and realized that around $150 of that is mine and the rest is going to everyone else around me (I would have kept $2200 as a single man, or $1000 if it were just me and my son), I didn't feel quite so excited.

The final thing to mention is that after a visit from my mom this year and snarfing down the candy and cookies she brought, I was about 220 pounds in the end of winter. It didn't really show because of my height, but it was still unacceptable, so I worked hard to lose that weight up to now. I've now dropped thirty of those pounds on an amazingly effective diet I just discovered, and I'm also fourty pounds away from perfectly and healthily <b>underweight</b>; I'll probably get there in just a few months, now that I know what to do.

After I lose this final weight, my wife will actually be fatter than me. Unmarried men, let that sink into your minds for a second.

Money and rest

Once again, a day comes where I have to transfer $1000 to my wife by bank, and hand her over $200 in person, so we can pay for the next month's expenses. It's too much money to be spending in a single month for any reason and represents over two weeks of work on my part, but once again, it seems that that isn't enough to show any kind of appreciation.

Yesterday was not only the day I had to pay my wife money so she could have the opportunity to disrespect me as a beta provider again, but also a day where she and our son took the day off from work and school. My wife was fine for the first half, and I spent half my time off playing with our son, and the other half surfing the net.

I went to work, and on the way back, took care of the money transfers and stuff to come home to my son crying, wrapped up in a blanket on the bed, and my wife looking angry. I've mentioned this several times before, and I still don't understand it: every time my wife has a day off from work, she goes ape and acts like a jerk to everyone in the house. This time, she had to flip out on our son because he didn't want to go back to school.

I came in and handed her her money while trying to figure out what was going on with our son, because I didn't know what had happened yet. My wife acted somewhat indignant, asking with knit eyebrows why I was giving her money, as if I were inconveniencing her by putting free cash in her hand. I said nothing until she admitted it was for the next month's payments, and once again, she turned away without a word. "How about a little gratitude?" I asked seriously. She turned around and hugged me without a word, then I went to check on our son.

I comforted him and convinced him to get ready for school the next day, admonished him when he acted up, then promised his favorite breakfast if he would be good, and the crisis was averted in a mere thirty seconds. Apparently, that was too difficult for my wife, or she simply wanted a punching bag for the day, because once again, she can't accept having a day off without being a jerk.

Recently, I've had a lot of mental flashes to my old life, especially my Then and Nows. I've imagined places I could have seen, women I could have been with, languages I could have learned, all if I hadn't married. After, I've been filled with quick, but blinding, bursts of anger and regret for what I gave up ever since I married. I'm thankful for understanding the secret of thought control to keep my mind and actions stable and defuse those emotions, but I can't help wishing it were just my son and I in my life.

No matter the woman, no matter the country and no matter the laws, marriage, by and large, is like this. Thirty days of endless, thankless work, flare-up nonsense from an emotionally capricious wife, and watching the broken shards of once great dreams reflect the barest glints of what they once were.

Repetition

Had a day off today, when I usually work twice a day, six days a week. This time spent with my wife, plus the sex we had recently, naturally led to her playing hot and cold today.

"You're the greatest father I've ever seen. Every other father I've ever known just ignores their kids or yells at them."
"Stop saying I look like other women. It shows you don't think I'm special."
"I want a kiss from you! And a hug, too!"
(After I say I like her small eyes) "How come you don't like my small eyes?! I'm not talking to you!!"

Every time she went cold, and especially when she started with that "order my husband to do little jobs and if he does them, then I have license to further disrespect him" thing, I withdrew affection utterly and completely and ignored her for as long as possible, and she went back to hot again. Then, when I responded positively to her polite behavior, it was back to cold again.

Staying around her, plus her sudden drop in respect for me after we have sex, caused this rare mid-week day off to become yet another in a long string of reminders of how marriage is draining me.

I remain the same man almost every day of my life, she jumps all over the place. I had potential in my life to achieve and experience a billion different things before I married, she was sitting around in her mom's house. I've saved $10,000 for our son's college education, she's wasted $10,000 in the last two or three years on nonsense, and her mom's wasted $10,000 more. When I'm not working, I'm sleeping. When I'm not sleeping, I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen. When I'm not waiting, I'm cleaning.

And while I waste my time being married, all I can do is watch other, smarter men who haven't and won't marry enjoy their lives, and only wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't made the biggest mistake of my life.

Condescension

I keep all of the non-business emails between my wife and I, even to this day. I guess I'm kind of an automatic softie and this alpha attitude thing is the mask I use to keep her in line, but maybe in the future I'll end up deleting them. I don't know. What I do know is that I was checking my emails to her from 2007-2008, and noticing an anus-clenching subservience in many of them. It's no wonder that my wife started treating me like garbage and s*** testing like crazy after the Christmas fight in 2009, when I brought her such gems as:

"You are so cute and interesting and funny and charming! I miss you very much, and I always think about you."
"I LOVE YOU and I'll see you soon, beautiful!"
"Anyway, I am missing and loving you two very much!"
"I'm enjoying my day off, my love, doing nerd stuff and emails!"
"I love you and think you are awesome."
"I'm sorry; I was just really shocked before by your sad/angry phone call and I still haven't recovered completely yet."

And those are just the replies she saved in her emails so I could read them; imagine how many more displays of loser I provided her. I guess if I had been interested in the information out there on the internet for men (or had a father), I wouldn't have been speaking like that to a woman.

This all leads in to the main reason for this post, which is me giving money to my wife. I've discussed before about the kind of disrespect my wife shows me when I hand her money, because her reptilian mind is trying to place me as either the brute who deserves respect, or the provider who deserves demands. As a result, I need to shut down her s*** tests almost every time I hand her money. It happens every month like clockwork, but I only mention her s*** testing when it's really obvious... like this month's payment.

I gave my wife $200 directly to pay for our son's schooling, and after she took it in her hand, she began to turn away without saying a word. I held firm to the money with a strong and serious look on my face until she turned around and thanked me for it. I simply shook my head and turned away, and she quickly got our son and herself to say thanks together for my generosity.

She got the other $1000 in her bank account, and no sooner had she checked to make sure it was there, she was texting me on my cell phone about all the problems she was having. First she said our son is staying up too late and I shouldn't let him, and I replied that I send him to bed on time every night. Then she complained about his homework not being done on time, and I explained that it was her mother, not me, who procrastinated on that. Finally, she complained about his eyesight and how he might need glasses soon. I said it was because of my DNA, and when she responded that he's her son too, I just stopped talking to her.

These tests always stop within two or three days of me giving her money, then start up again when I once more pay her for the month.

This is women: disrespecting you for your helpfulness and responsibility.

This is marriage: a decades long cycle that robs you of all your finances, time and freedom.

Love life

It has been over a month since I've last had sex, straight from the beginning of one period to the end of another. Between them, my wife was asking me to wake her up or meet her for sex about twice a week. I counted a total of six times in the past month that she's asked me to join her in bed when our son had fallen asleep, which is markedly different from the months of non-initiation that made up our marriage a few years ago.

Of course, every time she asked, I never responded much. When she asked me directly, I hummed an affirmative and kept playing the computer. When she texted me about it, I just deleted the text without answering. She even sent a text two nights ago, the most submissive "take me" text she's ever given (which makes me think she's been asking around for how to get me interested in sex again), but I deleted that one too. When she asked about it yesterday and I said I didn't get the message, she said that she had a record of me receiving and reading it, so I just lied and said I must have bumped the phone and lost the message. She asked me to wake her up again last night, I neutrally agreed, then just slept without doing so.

She is in exactly the position I want her to be: worried whenever I reject her with plausible deniability about lost texts, and happy when I otherwise treat her nicely. She spins in circles wondering if I still love her, and if I do, do I still love her physically or just emotionally, whydoesnthewantmewhatsgoingon...

If you think this is cruel, I can tell you that you're probably either a woman, or a man who's never been married. She hasn't started drama for months thanks to this utter withdrawal of affection, and our son is growing up in a stable house. And if you feel pity for my wife, I only need to keep linking this post to show the nightmare I had to deal with for almost three years because I used to treat my wife with the respect of an equal. If you still feel bad for our lack of sex:

- Why does she seem so happy after I reject her, especially the morning after?
- If she wants sex so much, why does she keep asking, then falling asleep earlier, turning me down or waiting so long between sessions?
- Why does she seem to act distant for a day or two after one of our rare sessions?
- What other choice do I have besides secret rejections? If I tell her the problem, she'll just ignore me or lie about what she has done and is doing (for example, I told her a month ago, but she's still up to her tricks). If I threaten punishment like six month sex refusals for every time she rejects me, her behavior might get worse.

The answer to these questions, and the reason I do this, is because my rejections tickle her primitive mind more than any amount of money I make, and more than any respect I used to show her. By rejecting her so often, I am displaying my higher value as a strong man, and she feels happy to be in my presence. Ironically, it's what also keeps us out of the bedroom.

I suppose I could try the punishment threats to continue displaying higher sexual value while still having a sex life, but I certainly don't want my wife anymore, not after what she's put me through, and especially not because I have to wait so long for a short and lame release that I can take care of myself. So my sex life is still in the pits, but I'm not blaming the lack of sex on my wife, because I'm the one who is doing the secret rejections now. My sex life is awful because I want it to be so, at least with regards to my wife.

A few months ago in March and April, she asked me to wake her for sex seven times and changed her mind five times when I actually followed through, so I have no reason to believe that the six requests over the past two months were anything different. It's obvious she's just using these requests in an attempt to control me, and she will not fool me again.

And all of this is mine, because I got married. There are girls half her age making eyes at me in my classrooms, and with the knowledge I've gained of attracting women through overconfidence mixed with a proactive, adventurous attitude and tempered kindness, I could be dating any one of them right now.

But I married.

I got a smartphone a few months back when my old one died, and got this nice little application: it's a countdown app that is currently ticking down to September 1st, 2027, and anytime I need to adjust the future date (son goes to college early or late, I need to make more money, whatever) a few swipes will lead me to the new number until I get my freedom back.

4811 days, and I'm out of here.

Trip to Leena's

I went to the main city to go see Leena, the first time I had seen or talked to her since 2007 when I had the phone call with her before going to the tech street. Seven years is a long time for people to change, and Leena is no exception. I took my wife and son over there to meet her, with only Leena knowing that she was my first love. Even not knowing that, on the way there, my wife would absolutely not stop bellyaching about every little thing:

"It's drizzling! Wah!"
"I'm tired! Wah!"
"I'm carsick! Wah!"
"I'm bored! Wah!"
"You're lost! Wah!"
"We're late! Wah!"

She never used to talk to me like this when we were friends. When we were dating. When she was pregnant, but afraid I was going to leave her. But now she does. I guess one way of looking at this is "See how much she loves you to show her true self." A better way, however, is "Look how little she respects you to ruin a trip with her juvenile complaining, thinking you can't say or do anything to make her stop."

As a contrast, here is a comprehensive list of all the problems I complained about and pushed on my wife during our six hours out:

-

So when we finally reached our destination on time, she was on her best behavior for Leena. My old crush was now married with a child, but of course I didn't feel a thing for her, since I had long since let her out of my mind. She did weigh about half as much as my wife does, though, even a year after she had delivered her son. We talked and played with her son for a few hours, during which time we talked about our futures. I said that I was going to use mnemonics and three months to master the language of a country I wanted to move to (a dream that was crushed by my wife's and my surprise pregnancy and marriage, though of course I didn't mention that), then go there as soon as my son was off to college.

My wife then asked, "What about me?"

I simply looked back at her and said, "You're coming, right?" She quickly nodded, and said little more.

On a side note, this whole making your girlfriend or wife afraid of losing you by withdrawing affection, something that has served me well to get the ogre my wife was back in line, apparently has a name: Dread Game. It's amazing what a little research on the net can teach about checking your out of control wife. As a response to my wife's disrespectful attitude all morning and afternoon, I knew it was time to put her back in her place, so I continued with this technique by promising our son I would take him back to the city next week, and my wife could stay home to relax. Not only does this work to continually keep my wife both chasing me, and back in line, as I draw away from her, but I'll also avoid the whiny baggage she offers almost every trip I take with her by going only with our son.

So does this technique work? It's a simple enough question to answer: the last time my wife did something stupid was April 6th, over two months ago. Every other day between was half smiles and fun, a little withdrawal for any signs of disrespect, and some ignoring while I played games or did other stuff to show her that I will not be chasing her again. Now compare that to three or four years ago, back when I allowed her to be the leader of this marriage and did nothing to stop her rampages. Drama came every ten or so days, much worse than today. Even a comparatively lesser series of slip-ups like this morning and afternoon needs to be punished on that same day, or the problem of an awful wife only get worse.

When time with Leena was up, we started walking back to the train station to go home. On the way back, I saw ten or twenty foreigners with their thin, smiling girlfriends on the street, a sharp contrast to the pudgy wife of mine with the occasional sour flash on her face. Almost every one of them did the "foreigner fakeout," a common action from one foreigner to another abroad, by either sharply turning their heads ninety degrees to the side to avoid eye contact, or staring straight ahead, unblinking and ignoring every smile and hello from other foreigners, until they were safely away. Since I used to do this during the first time I went abroad to another country in 2005, I still assume that, like the old me, these men are only here for sex and money, and see other foreigners as hated competition for women and jobs. Only one man returned a smile.

Still, as I mentioned, this kind of stuff doesn't bother me anymore; I actually feel kind of sorry for the obvious jealousy or undue sense of rivalry these men have with other foreigners, and I wish them the very best. I just thought it was funny to mention it, because though everything in my life, and the people's lives around me, has changed quite a bit, the foreigner fakeout has remained a constant for the last seven years.

And that was it. Soon, we were home, showered and off to bed. I can only imagine the much busier, and happier, day I could have had today if it were just me, or just me and my son, without my wife and marriage weighing everything about my life down. Today could easily have been another Then and Now, had I not tied the noose.

Rebound

About a week or two ago, my wife directly asked me why I never initiate sex with her or wake her up anymore for it. She was sitting behind me on the couch while I was using the computer, and without looking at her, I finally told her about her constant sex refusals and why I never want to initiate with her again.

After a brief moment of denial, and me subsequently telling her exactly how and when she refused, she got very apologetic and came up behind me to hug my shoulders, as if she were trying to comfort me or something. She apologized several times and claimed that it was all a misunderstanding, then said that she had to be more noticeable of someone who was "a little sensitive" like me. She completely missed the point in that it was her actions that led to this, but I wasn't about to set her straight and turn this clear pivot of power back to me into a fight. So instead, I just hummed or gave vague one word answers to all her questions and comments like "Yeah" or "Uh huh," which she seemed to accept.

Ever since that day, she's been messaging my phone over and over and telling me multiple times that she loves me, and ramping up the sexual overtones and sex initiations to multiple times a week, with all these actions done more times than at any time in the last four or five years. I still don't want sex with her, and probably never will again, but I still go along with it so I don't push her into divorce or anything. It's just a good sign that she has relegated herself to the subservient position in this marriage where she should be, after she showed herself to be the abusive, selfish witch that she was from 2010-2012 and not being able to be trusted with that kind of power. This is all also a localized reaffirmation that women respond to apathy, coldness and withdrawal with love, affection and praise, exactly the opposite of what most media and family would lead you to believe.

As for me, nothing is really going on. I go to work and go home, I spend time with my son, I remember how things used to be, and I keep counting down until my freedom comes, when I never have to live another day as a slave for the rest of eternity.