Sunday again

Another Sunday, another post of marriage nonsense.

On Saturday night, my wife promised sex and made it a point to try and seduce me with a backwards hug and chest rub. I said ok and put some fake emotion into it, though I'm not interested in her anymore. Later than night, she was really nice to me and our son and was making eyes at me once or twice, then she went to bed early. I didn't bother waking her up because every time I do, I get the same responses from her on why we can't have sex: excuses and denial, or asking me to finish quickly.

If you were offered sex once a month or two for five minutes, or no sex at all, which would you choose? The thirsty fool I used to be would have chosen the former, but I know now the cost of that choice.

On Sunday, my wife largely ignored me and our son so she could read or internet shop, just as last week. While our son and I were out getting pizza, I saw a tall and handsome foreigner walking down the street, and I felt a sudden rush of regret and unhappiness, knowing that he probably gets more money and sex in a month than I do in a year as a married man. Knowing that these thoughts would accomplish nothing, I immediately squashed them and hugged my son at the next red light.

Later than night, I told my wife about a customs problem that a package coming from America was having, and she offered to help. She said I had to pay some kind of import fee and I thanked her, saying I could take care of it from there. She insisted that she could do it on Tuesday or Wednesday, but I said I could do it Monday myself, when she suddenly brought up some new information: she worked less than a block from the customs office. I showed mild surprise and said that was cool, she could help me out. Then, she went on a mini-tirade:

"Yeah, I work right next to their building!" she almost shouted for some reason. "That's what I was trying to tell you earlier!! If I go there, we can save a lot of time like I said!! You can just let me handle this instead of trying to do everything by yourself!!"

I've discussed this tactic of hers before, so right about the word "trying," I just stood up and walked away from her to do something in the bedroom, then spent a few hours ignoring her, and playing video games and roughhousing with my son. When he fell asleep around 8:00, my wife repeated her insistence at having sex, so I turned off the computer and lay down in the bed, knowing there was no good excuse to give her for avoiding sex at that moment. After lying there for a minute or two, she came in the bedroom and asked if I was sleepy. I said I was a little tired, so she simply said, "Have fun," then left the room.

Was she being funny, or did she get me to lie in bed to prove her power over me? I don't know, but I felt like an idiot for entering the bedroom. I left and played video games the rest of the night, ignoring her. Later, she decided to go to bed early again, and insisted I come back in again later. This time, though, I wasn't falling for it. I knew she was just going to make excuses again, and I frankly wasn't interested, so I surfed the net for an hour longer than usual, then snuck into the bedroom to play around on my phone under the blanket, finally going to sleep.

This morning, after we took our son to school and she was about to head off to work, she said, "You didn't wake me up!" I didn't fall for that either, and simply changed the subject.

This whole thing sounds petty, doesn't it? Well, I'm not denying that, this whole weekend certainly was, but it reaffirms everything I've known about marriage for the last several years: it's not a partnership. It's not the rest of your life lived in bliss and harmony. It's a non-stop power play.

Imagine if I had changed any of my actions this weekend... what would have happened?

- If I had woken her up on Saturday night, I would have gotten either excuses or lame sex, and she would eventually use my desires against me by ordering me around or treating me badly, as she did from 2010-2012.
- If I had apologized for not knowing about her job being next to another company, she would have assumed her role as leader of this marriage again, and we would be going back to 2010-2012.
- If I had insisted on the 8:00 sex, I would have gotten excuses or lame sex, and 2010-2012.
- If I had woken her up Sunday night, the same would have happened.
- If I had apologized this morning and promised sex tonight, the same would have happened.

Before, this was a difficult decision to make. I was a fool, begging my wife for the once or twice a season she tossed sex my way, and took her abuse every other day between sessions in exchange for every hit my dealer was offering. I had to satisfy my addiction at any cost.

Now, I don't want what my dealer puts on the table. I'm like the cat that refuses to bat at the toy mouse on the end of the fishing pole, sitting there with an unamused look on my face as my owner lightly taps it all over my face and body. I know that just one swing at that mouse, and my owner will know that she can control every other aspect of my life, because otherwise, "no mouse for you."

She has absolutely nothing on or over me. Unlike men married in an English speaking country, I can sleep soundly at night knowing that my wife can do nothing to hurt me or our son, and that I have all the leverage in this marriage. If she stops offering sex on tap, I can choose not to care, and the only thing she can do in retaliation is reward me by being quiet with the silent treatment. I make the money and can deny her her pocket money if I choose. I clean the house and can stop keeping this place spotless anytime.

She has the choice of stepping up and acting right anytime: to stop pulling the rug out from under me about sex (though by now, I still won't care if we even hit the bedroom five times a week), to stop losing control, to stop overspending and to lose some weight. Until then, I don't need, or frankly want, her for anything, and the one who desires the relationship least has the power to direct it in the correct direction. That's me, steering us away from that hell towards this purgatory.

Next time she asks why I didn't wake her, I'll just politely tell her the truth, that she gives excuses or it's over in five minutes, then it's back to waiting for weeks or months. I actually did tell her this once, and her response was, as predicted, one of the six logical fallacies I mentioned in the top post, which are the same logical fallacies anyone uses to defend marriage: in that case, she used Denial. It's not like she can use this information to punish me in any way; she literally offers me nothing in this marriage except her role as our son's mother, and it's he who wants her, not me. I doubt telling her the truth about our sex life will change anything, as it changed nothing before, but at least she can't use this information to jockey for position in any way. It might even scare her into further submission.

Thirteen more years, and I'm out of here.