Do you want to get better?
Until you answer this question affirmatively, not even God can help you. If you can say yes to this, please keep reading.
I'm not selling anything. I'm not asking you to join a religion or spend any money on anything. I'm not going to recommend you get on any kind of medication. I will not fill this blog post with nothing more than pithy statements about "being yourself" or "the right one will come along someday." I'm writing this blog post to give you exact descriptions of the problems you have that are leading to your depression and/or possible lack of success with women, and instructions on how to fix these things. So let's not waste any more time and get to it.
You're depressed because you are missing one or more of the following things:
2. A goal
3. Thought control
To cure depression, this is the very first step. If I have noticed any common thread among people with depression, including myself from the age of 14 to 21, it was this: you have no sense of personal identity and/or no personal code of ethics of what constitutes the ideal you. Those without integrity are doomed to drift about in whatever group they've adopted the identity from (racial, gender, political, familial or something similar), and leave their personal sense of identity and happiness open to change, or even attack, by people in this group.
If you define yourself by the group that you belong to, your life and happiness will be subject to violent and forceful change any time someone in that group judges you, or anytime the goals of that group change and you are forced to adjust your identity or leave the group. If you have no sense of identity at all, your happiness will be at the whims of any random person who judges you, and you will have no defense against it because you have no idea who you are or what the ideal you is.
For those of you with this problem, the solution is to define what you want to be, then ask yourself if the current you matches up to this ideal you. In order to define this ideal you, I suggest this process:
1. Make a long list of the people you admire in the world.
2. Define what makes them your idols.
3. Combine and generalize these traits until you have a short list of attributes ("Famous" and "Rich" could combine to "Successful," for example). 2-4 of them is best, because one may be too focused, while more than four may be confusing and hard to remember or work towards.
When the list is complete, focus every action and thought of yours from this point forward on fulfilling the conditions you've laid out for yourself. Fail to do this, and your tempestuous, ever-changing sense of identity will be as chaotic as the life you're currently not enjoying.
2. A goal
Without a goal, it's easy to lose motivation and backslide into your old ways, no matter what you're trying to do to fix yourself. This goal is different from your ideal self because it is an external one, a goal that you focus your studies, experience and work towards obtaining.
This problem is an easy one to solve, and merely involves asking yourself what you like to do. When you've found that, translate that into an occupation that you can work with to make money while you enjoy this thing. If it can't translate into an occupation, then make this goal something that you realize when you are off of work. So I wouldn't recommend making "Become a rock star" into your goal because of the abysmal success rate of this dream, but "Play awesome music with people I like" will be something you can obtain with strong effort, and who knows, that tangential rock star dream may just come about for you. But whatever goal you want will be good for you. Fail to do this, and you will drift about with no purpose for the rest of your life.
3. Thought control
What are feelings and emotions? They don't come from the heart, and they aren't ephemeral phantoms that can't be defined or reasoned with. Feelings and emotions are instinct, nothing more than animalistic, automatic thought. They arise from thinking about something for so often that the idea becomes self-perpetuating.
If you've ever wondered why a person says they love someone they hardly know, and they have absolutely no explanation as to why, it's because they keep thinking about this person. If you've ever wondered why you're depressed, it's because you either focus your thoughts on the unhappiness inherent in your life, or because you allow the chaos in your brain to run in every dark direction uncontrolled.
This step is absolutely vital to curing depression. No matter how good of an ideal you that you create, no matter what kind of an excellent goal you have in mind, both of them will go absolutely nowhere unless you can focus yourself on what you want to be, and what you want to do. Actions, feelings and emotions, every single one of these things is first caused by what you think and cast your attention towards. Imagine killing someone, and your body will tense up, your breath will become shallow and you'll be ready to fight. Imagine sleeping with a person you hardly know, and your body will react to prepare yourself for sex.
You must, must, must focus your mind on your ideal self and goal if you want to cure your depression. Replace all negative thoughts with realistic or positive ones. Do not engage in the comfort of self-destructive thoughts of giving up and lazily embracing nothingness. Fight these automatic thoughts, these feelings, as hard as you can and do not backslide even once; this process of thinking realistically and positively will turn from active chore into passive and automatic if you just keep at it for a week or two, a month or two tops. Fail to do this, and your mind will be sending signals to your body and emotions to shut down and remain as stagnant as they have been since your depression started.
And that's it. Define who you want to be, define what you want to do, and don't stop focusing your mind on these things until you have accomplished them.
Too often I have seen people, including my old self, get stuck on recognizing that they have a problem, but refusing to take that second step and create a plan to fix their problems. I've seen people point to their broken families or a disease that causes their suicidal tendencies, disorders or depression, then just throw their hands up and say, "That's how it is. I'm depressed and that's why," then go back to wrap themselves in that unhappiness.
One of these reasons for not changing is the idea that a chemical imbalance causes depression, which is a condition that makes it impossible to fix one's life. It's a sort of circular problem where the condition attacks the very thing necessary to fix it: motivation. It's been my experience, however, that the common understanding of the causality of depression is backwards: it's not a chemical imbalance that causes depression, but depression that causes the chemical imbalance. It is your body reacting to your unhappy and chaotic thoughts where it stops producing as much Serotonin or Dopamine to cause your body to shut down. Once you've started taking step 3, thought control, seriously, you should see a rise in your natural energy levels as your body reacts to your new state of mind.
I also understand the things that have caused you to become this way, mostly related to western culture and family structures. Many of you were raised by broken families where your parent(s) had an awful method of raising you, most likely one of the three common mistakes for western parents:
1. Disciplining children harshly, or even abusively, for every minor infraction, which leads the child to shutting down.
2. Disciplining children not at all, which leads the child to having no clear boundaries and becoming a bully.
3. Being very erratic with discipline and giving both strong and weak admonishments seemingly at random, which leads the child to becoming confused about proper behavior and either becoming a bully or depressed.
In the latter two cases, you can see that the child will have a poor personal sense of identity with such poor boundaries set. Even further, in many cases in western culture, you'll see parents spending time with their children only when they're bad, and hardly spending any of their free time just to hang out or share activities with their kids when they are good. This leads to an even further poor sense of identity as the child seeks an understanding of self from peers, culture or other groups, which leads to the problems associated with the first step of identity above.
It doesn't help either that western culture pushes this narrative that you should just be yourself, and that if others have a problem with you, it's their fault. But what if you aren't a good person? What if you aren't where you want to be? "Be yourself" is awful advice for those with no sense of identity and who don't judge themselves by the high standards they set for themselves, and only makes the identity problem even worse. Not caring about what others think only works if you are acting in a moral way that is aligned with your ideal self.
So I understand that some may not have known the way to fix their troubles and chosen to remain stagnant, but now that I've laid it out for you, it's time to take action. Whatever happened in your family or past to cause your unhappiness is not your fault, but now that you're old enough to do something about it, every moment you spend unhappy now is yours take responsibility for. Fair or not, it's you who is suffering, and you need to pull yourself out of that hole.
You don't have to worry too much, though. I've used these three steps to cure depression, stop smoking and even become attractive to women, and in each of these cases, it only took 1-3 months to make the bulk of the changes. Get started today, and you too could be that ideal self you wanted to be before the end of the next season.
I put this together with curing depression because so often, these two things go hand in hand. There are many of you who want a girlfriend, but are unable to do so because of your depression and the lifestyle that you are living right now. But know this: you can make the changes above while you take the steps necessary to attract women. These changes, too, should not take more than a few months. Before this, you must first understand what women want:
Power. That's it.
If you believe women want respect, kindness, understanding or any of that touchy-feely garbage that's constantly shoved down your throat from all directions in western media, change your mind right now. You've no doubt tried the methods listed for you by your so-called cultural betters, and where has it gotten you? Friend zoned, disrespected, laughed at and rejected. Commit this to memory: women want power, and nothing else.
Now there are subsets of power that women enjoy, like:
- Confidence (you're a charming leader who can influence others, so you're strong)
- Fun (ditto)
- A fast car (you're dangerous and don't care, so you're strong)
- A motorcycle (ditto)
- Excitement (ditto)
- Money (you can move the world, so you're strong)
- Muscles (obvious)
And though I don't encourage these things, they still exemplify what women want:
- Tattoos (you don't care about consequences and are ready to fight, so you're strong)
- A criminal record (ditto)
- A violent nature (ditto)
But all of these things trace back to power. Do you see women out and about with skinnyfat nice guys time and again, or with the tougher men? Will you believe what the media and family tell you, or your own lying eyes? Don't make excuses and say that you're better than this, or that you have standards, or that you shouldn't have to change who you are just so you can avoid making positive changes in your life. If you read the first part of this post about curing depression, you should know that identity is malleable and you can be who you want to be. If you want to attract women, you have to play the game and acquire power.
If you've heard that women only go out with tall guys, or handsome guys, or rich guys, you were misled. Some women have absolute standards of height or income or something else, but for most of them, it's a hidden point system where you are granted more or less respect depending on where you stand with your overall power in multiple categories. An ugly man can easily overcome his drawback by getting larger muscles and a nice motorcycle. One of my apartmentmates in college, for example, was a 5'2" Indian guy who was dating a 5'8" white girl, and I'm certain it had everything to do with his muscles, basketball ability and overpowering charm and confidence. If you use your financial situation, height, nose or anything else about your life as an excuse to why girls will never like you, you are not only keeping yourself from improving the many other ways that you can attract women, and you are not only missing the point as to what women find attractive, but you are exuding a weak and defeatist attitude that women can smell like dogs can smell fear. In every way, wrapping yourself in this thinking will keep you from breaking out of your lack of luck with women, and/or keep you firmly depressed.
So with all this in mind, the answer to attracting women is simple: acquire and do as many of the things above as you are comfortable with at the same time. Do push-ups and lift weights to develop muscles, learn to ride a motorcycle, get a job and use some of the money to get some nice shoes (because women really care about footwear for some reason), join sports clubs to get in shape and learn how to speak with and charm others, and above all else, focus your mind confidently on a powerful mindset that you will do this, and you won't give up, ever. Remember: mindset is the originator of every action and emotion you have.
There's no reason why you can't cure depression and become an attractive man at the same time. Plan it out and get to it. Today.
One last thing: get off the internet and stay off of it. Aside from getting IMs to meet-ups with friends or girls, checking the weather, getting movie ticket information or getting quick information on how to deal with problem people from man-friendly sites, something bite-sized and fast like that, there is no reason to be on the net. It's a fake place filled with fake, illogical and socially autistic people bubblewrapped in their safe spaces because the real world and real people are too dark and scary for them to deal with. Everything you need to practice and personally learn about women and society must be learned offline, and the net should only be a tool to acquire quick information and ideas about the world, not a replacement for a real life. Live there, and you sabotage your own efforts to cure depression and meet girls.
That's about it. If you want to print out a handy checklist to fixing your life, I'll summarize everything here and you can fill in the blanks with who you want to be:
__ Define self:
__ Control thoughts
__ Goal - ______________________________________
__ Acquire power:
Good luck. But if you stick with these directions and don't give up, you won't need it.