Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My wife and son aren't the problem

Marriage is the problem, and it always has been.

Back when my wife and I were still dating, we got along very well. Almost every weekend, she came to my apartment from her mom's house to hang with me, and it was non-stop fun and adventure. From hometime of DVDs, TV, sex and her watching me play video games, to adventures out in the town seeing sights, going to movies, taking walks and enjoying nature and city life, we were having a ball. And sometimes, when I wasn't up to seeing her because I was tired or raring to hit the town alone, we just didn't hang out that weekend. Simple as that.

In addition, my wife never fought me on anything I wanted to do. She was never too bored for TV, too tired for walks, too hot for a hike or anything. For every last one of the three months that we were dating and didn't have a baby coming, I did as I pleased, and she followed. On the rare occasion when she had a different idea of something to do that day, whether it was something more fun, more productive, more interesting or what have you, I gave up my plan to follow her. We had a good relationship.

In fact, now that I remember, in that whole time we only had two fights. Once, she was upset because I was platonically hanging out with other girls during the week, and she was worried that I was planning to cheat on her. Her fears were groundless, but understandable, so after I got her angry email, I called her up and assured her that I wasn't going to do anything romantic with other girls while we were together.

A week or two later, I was talking about hanging with friends, and a girl's name came up. She started up the fight again and began swearing up a storm, so I just basically said, "I'm getting tired of this. Trust me. And don't go crazy again." After that, I never heard about the other girls again. No third fight, no snarky comments, no upset phone calls or emails, nothing. That was it.

Going back even further in my life, my relationship with my first girlfriend in college was much the same. She lived with her family, and I lived in my apartment, and we met up whenever we wanted to see each other. We went to movies, took walks, drove around the city and mountains, had sex, watched TV, took dancing lessons, did everything couples do for fun. It was a great few months that we had together.

The enjoyment I was getting out of both relationships ended abruptly when I moved in with my first girlfriend, and after I married, then moved in with, my wife. In both cases, I was suddenly sharing a house and a life with another person, and sacrifice, routine, work, sniping and other negative nonsense began to fill both relationships.

In the case of my first girlfriend, after we moved in together, she hated when I played video games to relax after a long day of work, tests and homework from college. She had chores for me to do. She started numerous, endless conversations about our future. We had sex less and less, until I was begging her a dozen times a week before she reluctantly gave in. And this all started when the relationship went from fun to serious co-habitation.

In the case of my wife, we were still living apart for a few months after we got married, but she started coming over almost every weekend and free day I had, so I rarely had any time to go out and sightsee. She was pregnant and I didn't want to force her to go out just because I wanted to, so we just stayed at my apartment all day. She monopolized almost every free moment I had from after we got married to when we moved in together, and we had much, much fewer things to do while we were at my place. It only got worse when we finally got our apartment together, and if you've read my previous posts, you know why my life sucks, and why I can't do anything about it.

All this mess isn't my son's fault, either. If I were just dating my wife, I would be much happier now, as the above experiences show. And hypothetically speaking, if I just had a son and not a wife, I would be just as happy.

I would have less stress. With more choice on how to fix my problems, and being the only powerful (and capable) influence on my son's life, I wouldn't have to compromise, make sacrifices or deal with fights and issues from my wife at all. And since my son would be under my guidance, he could easily have become as happy and honorable as his dad.

I would have less chores. With just a son, I would have much less dishes and laundry to take care of, in addition to keeping things spotless and spartan in my house as I prefer, which would cut down on cleaning.

I would have more money. Even assuming the cost of day care, without a wife and her family to support, a bigger house, another car, furniture, toiletries, higher bills, more insurance and so on to pay for, my take home pay could easily be multiple times higher than what it is now.

I would have less drama. No wife means no in-laws, and any friends I made or girls I dated could easily be left in a heartbeat if they ever became too selfish, rude or unpleasant for me and my son.

I would be happier. No wife means no compromise and little sacrifice, so if I wanted to take my son out on a trip, nobody could stop me. If I wanted to play video games with him, or watch movies with him, or go outside to play, it would be between him and me. We could do what we wanted.

I would have more freedom, and could still, maybe, follow my dreams. For the first few years of my son's life, I could easily continue traveling the world with him along with me, and show him what the world had to offer. When it was time for him to go to school, I could put down roots with him for a few years to give him some stability. Later, if he was interested, the two of us could continue our travels about the world in a new school and life every year. If he wasn't interested, I'd just shrug my shoulders and stick it out in the same place for a few more years, then continue my travels when he was off to college. It would be up to us to decide.

And all of this could be done with no accountability to anybody but my son, my bosses and my honor.

Putting marriage and child-rearing together, however, you come to the life I live now. I don't blame my wife and son, not just because I don't want to start resenting them, but because this isn't their fault. It's marriage, the long, dragging, life-draining cesspool of shelved dreams, that has ruined my life.

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