Control

I called my wife, and after a little small talk, she said we could have sex sometime next week, which would be the first time in almost four months.

I hummed in agreement, then changed the subject. This is probably the fifth or sixth time she's promised me since the last time we had sex in May, and I gave her the same response every time. She has made and broken this promise throughout the course of our marriage more times than we've actually had sex, and I've played the part of Charlie Brown to her Lucy more times than I can remember to believe her now.

On a related note, I can at least thank marriage for one thing: I've learned the true secret of emotional control because of it. Emotions are basically automatic thoughts, so as long as I control my thoughts, I can keep all negative emotions from taking root, much less taking over. In this case, I have a choice of thinking of my wife as a selfish person who only portions out sex when she's interested with no thought whatsoever to my desires, or I can believe what she told me, that she hasn't asked because I'm working so much and I seem too tired. The latter leaves me more emotionally stable, so I believe it, regardless of the truth.

This even happens with thoughts of my old life. Sometimes when I'm at home, I see a TV show about people traveling the world and enjoying themselves. From that, I sometimes have a flash of the life that I myself had before I married: where I was standing, what I was doing, the clothes I was wearing, the openness of the world, everything. In those moments, I often get a sudden burst of intense anger at what I gave up to become the drudge I am today, but it takes a literal split second to stamp out the thought, and subsequently, the feeling. It's hard to describe, but this is what it feels like:

BeautifulsightflashbackhappinessrealityRAGEQUIETnothing

I'm basically playing Whack-A-Mole with my own emotions. I've gotten so good at it that it's automatic and instantaneous to go from fury, sexual frustration, depression, regret or the like, to zoning out into nothingness. Naturally, I wouldn't need to do this every day if I were still a free man, but at least I have a way to bear marriage until it's finally over.