Money and rest

Once again, a day comes where I have to transfer $1000 to my wife by bank, and hand her over $200 in person, so we can pay for the next month's expenses. It's too much money to be spending in a single month for any reason and represents over two weeks of work on my part, but once again, it seems that that isn't enough to show any kind of appreciation.

Yesterday was not only the day I had to pay my wife money so she could have the opportunity to disrespect me as a beta provider again, but also a day where she and our son took the day off from work and school. My wife was fine for the first half, and I spent half my time off playing with our son, and the other half surfing the net.

I went to work, and on the way back, took care of the money transfers and stuff to come home to my son crying, wrapped up in a blanket on the bed, and my wife looking angry. I've mentioned this several times before, and I still don't understand it: every time my wife has a day off from work, she goes ape and acts like a jerk to everyone in the house. This time, she had to flip out on our son because he didn't want to go back to school.

I came in and handed her her money while trying to figure out what was going on with our son, because I didn't know what had happened yet. My wife acted somewhat indignant, asking with knit eyebrows why I was giving her money, as if I were inconveniencing her by putting free cash in her hand. I said nothing until she admitted it was for the next month's payments, and once again, she turned away without a word. "How about a little gratitude?" I asked seriously. She turned around and hugged me without a word, then I went to check on our son.

I comforted him and convinced him to get ready for school the next day, admonished him when he acted up, then promised his favorite breakfast if he would be good, and the crisis was averted in a mere thirty seconds. Apparently, that was too difficult for my wife, or she simply wanted a punching bag for the day, because once again, she can't accept having a day off without being a jerk.

Recently, I've had a lot of mental flashes to my old life, especially my Then and Nows. I've imagined places I could have seen, women I could have been with, languages I could have learned, all if I hadn't married. After, I've been filled with quick, but blinding, bursts of anger and regret for what I gave up ever since I married. I'm thankful for understanding the secret of thought control to keep my mind and actions stable and defuse those emotions, but I can't help wishing it were just my son and I in my life.

No matter the woman, no matter the country and no matter the laws, marriage, by and large, is like this. Thirty days of endless, thankless work, flare-up nonsense from an emotionally capricious wife, and watching the broken shards of once great dreams reflect the barest glints of what they once were.