I came home from a long train ride to a city about 40 miles away where I work on Wednesdays. It's the only day where I come home at my son's bedtime, and he and I can't play video games for the night. He's still a young boy, so every time I explain to him that he has to go directly to bed when I get home on Wednesdays, he gets a bit huffy. Yesterday was no different: I told him we had to sleep and he got miffed, but at that moment, I had a sudden and strange feeling that I had done exactly this just the day before. Of course it had been an entire week since, but at that moment, it felt like a simple 24 hours.
I used to keep a feature on this blog called "Daily Life," which detailed in boring list format the day that I had just lived as a married man. Eventually, I recognized that my Then and Now posts were more than enough to show that routine boredom that I and millions of other married schlubs slog through every day, and that the Daily Life posts were just cluttering things up. But the point remains solid: married life is mostly a series of the same list of required chores and activities that seldom deviates from the established script of wake up, go to work, go home, chores, family time and sleep.
Yesterday's deja vu was simply a reminder of how inconsequential most of my married life is. So little of import had happened between yesterday and the Wednesday before that an entire week had slipped by before I realized I was still alive.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
A day of rest
For the first time today, in 918 straight days, I had a day without work or chores. The last time I had a complete break was almost three years ago.
My son was still in diapers then.
Imagine waking up every morning for almost three years, knowing that there was going to be something to take care of that day, knowing that almost everything you did was either going to be taken away, or just messed up again. But if you're married, you don't have to imagine that; it's your life.
I used to get days like this twice a week: Sunday and Tuesday. Now, as a married man, I have to wait three years for a single chance, then it's back to the routine.
I can't wait for this to be over.
My son was still in diapers then.
Imagine waking up every morning for almost three years, knowing that there was going to be something to take care of that day, knowing that almost everything you did was either going to be taken away, or just messed up again. But if you're married, you don't have to imagine that; it's your life.
I used to get days like this twice a week: Sunday and Tuesday. Now, as a married man, I have to wait three years for a single chance, then it's back to the routine.
I can't wait for this to be over.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Bank outburst
I was doing some banking this morning, going to pick up $1000 for next month's expenses, $300 for my wife for upcoming vacation costs, and $700 for my son's pre-school fees. $2000, which took me an entire month to make, and I would be using next to nothing of it for anything personal.
While banking, two middle-aged foreign women came in to do some ATM stuff as well. Their machine ate their card for ten seconds too long, so one of the women went to the intercom and spoke, as if to a retarded child, "The... card... did... not... come... out... of... the... machine." Her card was spit out seconds later, and a staff member came shortly after. Before he could speak, the woman continued again, card in hand, even slower: "The...... card...... did...... not...... come...... out...... of...... the...... machine," she said, waving it in his face. He looked confused, so I used localspeak to say the exact same thing she said, then added that everything was ok because the card was out. He smiled and nodded, then left. The wrinkled harpy looked back at me with a crocodile's smile, thanked me and said that her localspeak wasn't very good. I said no problem, got my money, then left.
I went to my son's school to give my wife her $1000 in hand, then got ready to put the other $1000 in her bank account. On the way out, I told her about the incident, knowing that she understood and agreed with my thoughts on foreigners living abroad and not learning anything of the language their hosts speak. But this time, she replied by saying I was being petty and shouldn't focus on things like that.
Every other time I mentioned this topic, she had agreed with me and brought up personal experiences from her work of disrespectful foreigners. But this time, cattiness.
It took only half a second to figure out why: I was nice to her. I had just given her $2000 in nearly a huge lump sum, and in return, my wife decided it was time to s*** test me, because bosses get sex, but providers get demands and rudeness; it was time to figure out which one I was. As soon as she finished her sentence, I shot her a look of withheld anger, and she suddenly decided to agree with me.
In contrast, over the last week or two, I've done nothing but play video games for eight hours straight every morning and ignored everything she was doing. How did she act during this time? Making me food, saying our son was lucky to have me as his father, and granting me sex at her insistence.
The point of this post is the same as it has been for the last year or so: you want respect from your wife, treat her with just enough indifference or rudeness to make her step back in line. If you don't, this behavior will only get worse. The other point of this post is that same as it has been since I started this blog: if you don't want to have to deal with this behavior (or you want to end it at any time), don't get married.
While banking, two middle-aged foreign women came in to do some ATM stuff as well. Their machine ate their card for ten seconds too long, so one of the women went to the intercom and spoke, as if to a retarded child, "The... card... did... not... come... out... of... the... machine." Her card was spit out seconds later, and a staff member came shortly after. Before he could speak, the woman continued again, card in hand, even slower: "The...... card...... did...... not...... come...... out...... of...... the...... machine," she said, waving it in his face. He looked confused, so I used localspeak to say the exact same thing she said, then added that everything was ok because the card was out. He smiled and nodded, then left. The wrinkled harpy looked back at me with a crocodile's smile, thanked me and said that her localspeak wasn't very good. I said no problem, got my money, then left.
I went to my son's school to give my wife her $1000 in hand, then got ready to put the other $1000 in her bank account. On the way out, I told her about the incident, knowing that she understood and agreed with my thoughts on foreigners living abroad and not learning anything of the language their hosts speak. But this time, she replied by saying I was being petty and shouldn't focus on things like that.
Every other time I mentioned this topic, she had agreed with me and brought up personal experiences from her work of disrespectful foreigners. But this time, cattiness.
It took only half a second to figure out why: I was nice to her. I had just given her $2000 in nearly a huge lump sum, and in return, my wife decided it was time to s*** test me, because bosses get sex, but providers get demands and rudeness; it was time to figure out which one I was. As soon as she finished her sentence, I shot her a look of withheld anger, and she suddenly decided to agree with me.
In contrast, over the last week or two, I've done nothing but play video games for eight hours straight every morning and ignored everything she was doing. How did she act during this time? Making me food, saying our son was lucky to have me as his father, and granting me sex at her insistence.
The point of this post is the same as it has been for the last year or so: you want respect from your wife, treat her with just enough indifference or rudeness to make her step back in line. If you don't, this behavior will only get worse. The other point of this post is that same as it has been since I started this blog: if you don't want to have to deal with this behavior (or you want to end it at any time), don't get married.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Arguing with your wife
I was playing video games with my son tonight, and my wife said she wants to clean the entire house next weekend. Then she made some kind of joke like I could look around and see how clean it already was, but then she turned back to me and asked for my help, but I was having none of it.
"No, you can do it."
"What? Why?"
"I already clean enough of this house. You can take care of this."
"A family should help each other."
This is the emotionally manipulative response you will get almost every time from a wife who wants you to do some kind of chore or errand. If you truly haven't been pulling your weight, the conversation shouldn't have even gotten to this point; you should have simply asked for details up front. As for me...
"I already spend about twenty or thirty minutes every night cleaning the house, and I've been doing it every single night for the last three years. You never helped me then, even on Saturdays when I worked fourteen hours a day and you played computer while I cleaned."
"I mop on Saturdays!"
This is another typical response you'll get from a wife: argue from exception, and use that to defeat a general rule.
"That's only on the weekend for one day. I've cleaned the house seven nights a week for three years. Do those even compare?"
At this point about a year or two ago, my wife would have attempted to change the subject and get me on some minor point to declare herself the victor of the entire discussion, which is another common response from those with no logical leg to stand on. But she knew better this time, and just dropped the subject.
If you are still in the stage where your wife changes the subject off of something she brought up, DO NOT LET HER. Swat aside her derailing attempts with a quick response of how she's wrong, then go back to the original point over and over, hammering home how wrong she is until she concedes the point. Do not allow her to derail and move on to other topics without first accepting being wrong. For example:
Wife: You need to be nicer to me.
You: I am nice to you. We went out to dinner last night, I rubbed your feet this morning, and I gave you a lot of money last week.
Wife: You never used to do those things!
You: I do them now. I can't be much nicer to you.
Wife: So I don't matter to you?
You: I didn't say that. I am plenty nice to you already. Acknowledge that.
Wife: You don't show it.
You: I just told you three examples of how I am. I am nice to you. Stop changing the subject.
Wife: How about the way you talk to my dad?
You: That's him, not you. I am nice to you, and I'm not letting this go. Tell the truth and admit that I'm nice to you.
If this conversation goes on for too long, disengage and ignore her for a few hours until she admits fault. Eventually, she'll learn to stop doing this.
Also, dealing with women and especially a wife, you'll run into a common tactic where she will start namecalling or using loaded language during a fight to call into question your manhood, sense of responsibility, love for your family, etc... This is only her attempt to get you to play in the proverbial mud with her, and you must avoid it at all costs. She is counting on you tossing bombs of your own, after which she'll hypocritically tell you how wrong you are for being so childish, then declare herself victor over the discussion.
All of you guys out there who have never dated, co-habitated, or God forbid married, have no idea of this. Perhaps you still carry the idea that women are angelic visions of innocent heaven that aren't capable of this kind of childish behavior, when they are as imperfect as men are. Whatever the case, don't forget this advice: when she starts pushing buttons, she knows she's wrong, but is refusing to lose. You must not let her drag you down into her stupidity, and instead must hammer on the original point until she submits, only changing the subject when she admits she's wrong. If she gets you on a point, do not apologize; it is a sign of weakness, and women viscerally, genetically hate weak men, just as much as overweight women turn the stomachs of most men. Just acknowledge your error, then move on.
When the discussion is over, she'll feel sore for a few minutes, but in no time, will be back on her best behavior. For example, after I hit my wife with my final point, she got silent, then went outside to take care of the clothes, the first time in months. After that, she apologized for making me do all the chores every night for years, then she came to watch our son and me play video games for about half an hour (and gave him advice while playing), the first time she's ever, in our entire marriage, watched anybody play a game for more than ten seconds.
In return, I said I would help her sort out the junk in the kitchen, adding that I had already done it a year ago, but it was back to being messed up within two weeks. She tried to say that she didn't know how it got so bad so quick, then I said she should probably stop buying things so often if she wasn't going to use them. Knowing this was a sore point (she wastes $500 a month on useless stuff), she quickly and jokingly said that her mom was to blame. I let it go at that point, my argument made and back in the driver's seat of this marriage, and looking forward to a drama free house for at least a few months.
If you think this sounds barbaric or misogynistic, then you've obviously not read this blog (particularly the "Problems" posts), or been married or co-habitating with a woman for any significant amount of time. But it's your life; feel free to follow the advice that you need to defer to your ever suffering, smarter than you wife or girlfriend, or that "marriage is a partnership of equals." Just be sure to enjoy the condescending insults, rage and/or manipulation that follow from the endless s*** tests of your clearly superior lover.
"No, you can do it."
"What? Why?"
"I already clean enough of this house. You can take care of this."
"A family should help each other."
This is the emotionally manipulative response you will get almost every time from a wife who wants you to do some kind of chore or errand. If you truly haven't been pulling your weight, the conversation shouldn't have even gotten to this point; you should have simply asked for details up front. As for me...
"I already spend about twenty or thirty minutes every night cleaning the house, and I've been doing it every single night for the last three years. You never helped me then, even on Saturdays when I worked fourteen hours a day and you played computer while I cleaned."
"I mop on Saturdays!"
This is another typical response you'll get from a wife: argue from exception, and use that to defeat a general rule.
"That's only on the weekend for one day. I've cleaned the house seven nights a week for three years. Do those even compare?"
At this point about a year or two ago, my wife would have attempted to change the subject and get me on some minor point to declare herself the victor of the entire discussion, which is another common response from those with no logical leg to stand on. But she knew better this time, and just dropped the subject.
If you are still in the stage where your wife changes the subject off of something she brought up, DO NOT LET HER. Swat aside her derailing attempts with a quick response of how she's wrong, then go back to the original point over and over, hammering home how wrong she is until she concedes the point. Do not allow her to derail and move on to other topics without first accepting being wrong. For example:
Wife: You need to be nicer to me.
You: I am nice to you. We went out to dinner last night, I rubbed your feet this morning, and I gave you a lot of money last week.
Wife: You never used to do those things!
You: I do them now. I can't be much nicer to you.
Wife: So I don't matter to you?
You: I didn't say that. I am plenty nice to you already. Acknowledge that.
Wife: You don't show it.
You: I just told you three examples of how I am. I am nice to you. Stop changing the subject.
Wife: How about the way you talk to my dad?
You: That's him, not you. I am nice to you, and I'm not letting this go. Tell the truth and admit that I'm nice to you.
If this conversation goes on for too long, disengage and ignore her for a few hours until she admits fault. Eventually, she'll learn to stop doing this.
Also, dealing with women and especially a wife, you'll run into a common tactic where she will start namecalling or using loaded language during a fight to call into question your manhood, sense of responsibility, love for your family, etc... This is only her attempt to get you to play in the proverbial mud with her, and you must avoid it at all costs. She is counting on you tossing bombs of your own, after which she'll hypocritically tell you how wrong you are for being so childish, then declare herself victor over the discussion.
All of you guys out there who have never dated, co-habitated, or God forbid married, have no idea of this. Perhaps you still carry the idea that women are angelic visions of innocent heaven that aren't capable of this kind of childish behavior, when they are as imperfect as men are. Whatever the case, don't forget this advice: when she starts pushing buttons, she knows she's wrong, but is refusing to lose. You must not let her drag you down into her stupidity, and instead must hammer on the original point until she submits, only changing the subject when she admits she's wrong. If she gets you on a point, do not apologize; it is a sign of weakness, and women viscerally, genetically hate weak men, just as much as overweight women turn the stomachs of most men. Just acknowledge your error, then move on.
When the discussion is over, she'll feel sore for a few minutes, but in no time, will be back on her best behavior. For example, after I hit my wife with my final point, she got silent, then went outside to take care of the clothes, the first time in months. After that, she apologized for making me do all the chores every night for years, then she came to watch our son and me play video games for about half an hour (and gave him advice while playing), the first time she's ever, in our entire marriage, watched anybody play a game for more than ten seconds.
In return, I said I would help her sort out the junk in the kitchen, adding that I had already done it a year ago, but it was back to being messed up within two weeks. She tried to say that she didn't know how it got so bad so quick, then I said she should probably stop buying things so often if she wasn't going to use them. Knowing this was a sore point (she wastes $500 a month on useless stuff), she quickly and jokingly said that her mom was to blame. I let it go at that point, my argument made and back in the driver's seat of this marriage, and looking forward to a drama free house for at least a few months.
If you think this sounds barbaric or misogynistic, then you've obviously not read this blog (particularly the "Problems" posts), or been married or co-habitating with a woman for any significant amount of time. But it's your life; feel free to follow the advice that you need to defer to your ever suffering, smarter than you wife or girlfriend, or that "marriage is a partnership of equals." Just be sure to enjoy the condescending insults, rage and/or manipulation that follow from the endless s*** tests of your clearly superior lover.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Another blasted test
My son was taking something out of a toy basket when my wife suddenly went nuts and started yelling in the local language. I didn't understand her, and not because I didn't understand the words she was barking, but for another reason altogether: she was saying that she couldn't stand him taking his toys out because she just cleaned up, and he always took out toys from the same basket. I understood the words perfectly, but I was confused because there was no reason for her to be shouting.
My son started to cry, so I took him into the other room and made a little fort and slide for him to play in. My wife came in about a half hour later trying to "test the waters" by doing something innocuous to gauge how the two boys felt about her; basically, it was a ploy to not apologize, but to go back to a normal family anyway. My son was anxious to get back in her good graces, but when she tried to show me some skin she dug out of her ear or whatever and she asked if I wanted to see it, I just said, "No." She tried touching me in bed later, and I ignored her.
Silence, direct speaking, condescension, rudeness, coldness and other withdrawals of affection work well with an out of line wife. She needs me a lot more than I need her, and now she understands that fully. As for marriage, there are four things to be certain of:
1. My wife never did this crap when she was my girlfriend.
2. She always does this crap on Sunday.
3. She always does this crap to people who don't fight back (and after I stood up to her last year, I'm no longer a target).
4. I wouldn't have to deal with this crap if I weren't married.
My son started to cry, so I took him into the other room and made a little fort and slide for him to play in. My wife came in about a half hour later trying to "test the waters" by doing something innocuous to gauge how the two boys felt about her; basically, it was a ploy to not apologize, but to go back to a normal family anyway. My son was anxious to get back in her good graces, but when she tried to show me some skin she dug out of her ear or whatever and she asked if I wanted to see it, I just said, "No." She tried touching me in bed later, and I ignored her.
Silence, direct speaking, condescension, rudeness, coldness and other withdrawals of affection work well with an out of line wife. She needs me a lot more than I need her, and now she understands that fully. As for marriage, there are four things to be certain of:
1. My wife never did this crap when she was my girlfriend.
2. She always does this crap on Sunday.
3. She always does this crap to people who don't fight back (and after I stood up to her last year, I'm no longer a target).
4. I wouldn't have to deal with this crap if I weren't married.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Rejections
I asked my wife for sex, thinking that now that she was back to normal, we could go back to a normal, boring marriage schedule. She rejected me, saying her stomach hurt. I smiled inwardly, realizing that she was up to her old tricks again; just a few days ago, she accepted my offer for sex, but was hesitant about it and made me give her several reasons why we should. And now, here come more lies to avoid me and to try and prop herself back up as the leader of this marriage.
I'm not making the mistake of asking her again; it's time to secretly reject her, and not initiate, as I did over the past few months. It's very clear who of the two of us should be running the marriage, seeing as how I never verbally abused or disrespected her when I was in charge before 2010, but she did just those things when she was running things. And because sex and power are almost synonymous in a reptilian woman's mind, I refuse to give my wife any leverage over my life by allowing any undue sex between us.
I'm not making the mistake of asking her again; it's time to secretly reject her, and not initiate, as I did over the past few months. It's very clear who of the two of us should be running the marriage, seeing as how I never verbally abused or disrespected her when I was in charge before 2010, but she did just those things when she was running things. And because sex and power are almost synonymous in a reptilian woman's mind, I refuse to give my wife any leverage over my life by allowing any undue sex between us.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Another mistake
I screwed up today. When I came home alone with pizzas, there was absolutely no room on the table to put them, just as there has been no room on it for the past five years because of all the junk my wife keeps piling on it. I sighed and started to begin the neverending process of getting all the useless junk off of it, piece by piece, but only a few seconds passed before I had enough. After 40+ straight days of work and 5+ years of constantly cleaning this damned table, I just moved the six bottles and glasses of liquid to the side, then swiped the rest of the junk onto the floor. Medicine bottles, a tape dispenser, junk mail, tissues, capped bottles, food packages and much more went flying to the ground. I briefly considered cleaning it up, but decided against it, because I'm tired of being the butler in this house, especially when most of the messes aren't mine.
My wife came back and was pretty shocked. "What happened?!" she asked worriedly. Without looking at her, I answered, "I'm tired of cleaning the junk off this table." She didn't say another word, and instead started to pick up the mess I made in silence. I was an a-hole and I felt like it, but even after she had cleaned up, my wife was acting super nice to me again.
I told myself almost a month ago that I had to stop being the Iceman because she had cleaned up her act towards me, and here I am acting like a complete douchebag, and although I've never done something like this before the pushback, it's still indicative of the apathetic, frigid man that I used to act like last and this year to get my wife back in line. I didn't and won't apologize to her, because she'll just turn it into a reason to abuse me for the next several years (like she did from 2010-2012 when I apologized in 2009, only once, for using the computer too much), but this situation shouldn't even be here because it shouldn't have happened in the first place. So what happened?
There's no excuse for what I did today, but there is an explanation: I'm zoning out and running on autopilot, just as I have been since I got married. In fact, it's even worse now, because not only do I get the average of a single day off of work every month (and I zone through work days), but I also stopped smoking several months ago, which makes the zoning even worse. To be completely honest, every single day since somewhere around three months or so ago has been lived by the autopilot, unconscious me. I'm not exaggerating: the last time I actually, consciously looked at the number of days left to go before my marriage is through, rather than simply subtracting one from the previous day's number, was a season before.
My sight, my hearing, every sense is in almost complete darkness, and I only briefly wake up here and there in the day to play with my son or play a video game. The rest of it is handled by autopilot me, which is sometimes still set to Iceman. Switching between different personas isn't like a light switch; it's a gradual process of change that takes time to completely happen.
I need to work hard on being nicer to my wife now that she's beyond her abusive stage, and I need to do so while I remain in this dark pit that passes time through this marriage as fast as possible.
My wife came back and was pretty shocked. "What happened?!" she asked worriedly. Without looking at her, I answered, "I'm tired of cleaning the junk off this table." She didn't say another word, and instead started to pick up the mess I made in silence. I was an a-hole and I felt like it, but even after she had cleaned up, my wife was acting super nice to me again.
I told myself almost a month ago that I had to stop being the Iceman because she had cleaned up her act towards me, and here I am acting like a complete douchebag, and although I've never done something like this before the pushback, it's still indicative of the apathetic, frigid man that I used to act like last and this year to get my wife back in line. I didn't and won't apologize to her, because she'll just turn it into a reason to abuse me for the next several years (like she did from 2010-2012 when I apologized in 2009, only once, for using the computer too much), but this situation shouldn't even be here because it shouldn't have happened in the first place. So what happened?
There's no excuse for what I did today, but there is an explanation: I'm zoning out and running on autopilot, just as I have been since I got married. In fact, it's even worse now, because not only do I get the average of a single day off of work every month (and I zone through work days), but I also stopped smoking several months ago, which makes the zoning even worse. To be completely honest, every single day since somewhere around three months or so ago has been lived by the autopilot, unconscious me. I'm not exaggerating: the last time I actually, consciously looked at the number of days left to go before my marriage is through, rather than simply subtracting one from the previous day's number, was a season before.
My sight, my hearing, every sense is in almost complete darkness, and I only briefly wake up here and there in the day to play with my son or play a video game. The rest of it is handled by autopilot me, which is sometimes still set to Iceman. Switching between different personas isn't like a light switch; it's a gradual process of change that takes time to completely happen.
I need to work hard on being nicer to my wife now that she's beyond her abusive stage, and I need to do so while I remain in this dark pit that passes time through this marriage as fast as possible.
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