Money and rest

Once again, a day comes where I have to transfer $1000 to my wife by bank, and hand her over $200 in person, so we can pay for the next month's expenses. It's too much money to be spending in a single month for any reason and represents over two weeks of work on my part, but once again, it seems that that isn't enough to show any kind of appreciation.

Yesterday was not only the day I had to pay my wife money so she could have the opportunity to disrespect me as a beta provider again, but also a day where she and our son took the day off from work and school. My wife was fine for the first half, and I spent half my time off playing with our son, and the other half surfing the net.

I went to work, and on the way back, took care of the money transfers and stuff to come home to my son crying, wrapped up in a blanket on the bed, and my wife looking angry. I've mentioned this several times before, and I still don't understand it: every time my wife has a day off from work, she goes ape and acts like a jerk to everyone in the house. This time, she had to flip out on our son because he didn't want to go back to school.

I came in and handed her her money while trying to figure out what was going on with our son, because I didn't know what had happened yet. My wife acted somewhat indignant, asking with knit eyebrows why I was giving her money, as if I were inconveniencing her by putting free cash in her hand. I said nothing until she admitted it was for the next month's payments, and once again, she turned away without a word. "How about a little gratitude?" I asked seriously. She turned around and hugged me without a word, then I went to check on our son.

I comforted him and convinced him to get ready for school the next day, admonished him when he acted up, then promised his favorite breakfast if he would be good, and the crisis was averted in a mere thirty seconds. Apparently, that was too difficult for my wife, or she simply wanted a punching bag for the day, because once again, she can't accept having a day off without being a jerk.

Recently, I've had a lot of mental flashes to my old life, especially my Then and Nows. I've imagined places I could have seen, women I could have been with, languages I could have learned, all if I hadn't married. After, I've been filled with quick, but blinding, bursts of anger and regret for what I gave up ever since I married. I'm thankful for understanding the secret of thought control to keep my mind and actions stable and defuse those emotions, but I can't help wishing it were just my son and I in my life.

No matter the woman, no matter the country and no matter the laws, marriage, by and large, is like this. Thirty days of endless, thankless work, flare-up nonsense from an emotionally capricious wife, and watching the broken shards of once great dreams reflect the barest glints of what they once were.

Repetition

Had a day off today, when I usually work twice a day, six days a week. This time spent with my wife, plus the sex we had recently, naturally led to her playing hot and cold today.

"You're the greatest father I've ever seen. Every other father I've ever known just ignores their kids or yells at them."
"Stop saying I look like other women. It shows you don't think I'm special."
"I want a kiss from you! And a hug, too!"
(After I say I like her small eyes) "How come you don't like my small eyes?! I'm not talking to you!!"

Every time she went cold, and especially when she started with that "order my husband to do little jobs and if he does them, then I have license to further disrespect him" thing, I withdrew affection utterly and completely and ignored her for as long as possible, and she went back to hot again. Then, when I responded positively to her polite behavior, it was back to cold again.

Staying around her, plus her sudden drop in respect for me after we have sex, caused this rare mid-week day off to become yet another in a long string of reminders of how marriage is draining me.

I remain the same man almost every day of my life, she jumps all over the place. I had potential in my life to achieve and experience a billion different things before I married, she was sitting around in her mom's house. I've saved $10,000 for our son's college education, she's wasted $10,000 in the last two or three years on nonsense, and her mom's wasted $10,000 more. When I'm not working, I'm sleeping. When I'm not sleeping, I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen. When I'm not waiting, I'm cleaning.

And while I waste my time being married, all I can do is watch other, smarter men who haven't and won't marry enjoy their lives, and only wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't made the biggest mistake of my life.

Condescension

I keep all of the non-business emails between my wife and I, even to this day. I guess I'm kind of an automatic softie and this alpha attitude thing is the mask I use to keep her in line, but maybe in the future I'll end up deleting them. I don't know. What I do know is that I was checking my emails to her from 2007-2008, and noticing an anus-clenching subservience in many of them. It's no wonder that my wife started treating me like garbage and s*** testing like crazy after the Christmas fight in 2009, when I brought her such gems as:

"You are so cute and interesting and funny and charming! I miss you very much, and I always think about you."
"I LOVE YOU and I'll see you soon, beautiful!"
"Anyway, I am missing and loving you two very much!"
"I'm enjoying my day off, my love, doing nerd stuff and emails!"
"I love you and think you are awesome."
"I'm sorry; I was just really shocked before by your sad/angry phone call and I still haven't recovered completely yet."

And those are just the replies she saved in her emails so I could read them; imagine how many more displays of loser I provided her. I guess if I had been interested in the information out there on the internet for men (or had a father), I wouldn't have been speaking like that to a woman.

This all leads in to the main reason for this post, which is me giving money to my wife. I've discussed before about the kind of disrespect my wife shows me when I hand her money, because her reptilian mind is trying to place me as either the brute who deserves respect, or the provider who deserves demands. As a result, I need to shut down her s*** tests almost every time I hand her money. It happens every month like clockwork, but I only mention her s*** testing when it's really obvious... like this month's payment.

I gave my wife $200 directly to pay for our son's schooling, and after she took it in her hand, she began to turn away without saying a word. I held firm to the money with a strong and serious look on my face until she turned around and thanked me for it. I simply shook my head and turned away, and she quickly got our son and herself to say thanks together for my generosity.

She got the other $1000 in her bank account, and no sooner had she checked to make sure it was there, she was texting me on my cell phone about all the problems she was having. First she said our son is staying up too late and I shouldn't let him, and I replied that I send him to bed on time every night. Then she complained about his homework not being done on time, and I explained that it was her mother, not me, who procrastinated on that. Finally, she complained about his eyesight and how he might need glasses soon. I said it was because of my DNA, and when she responded that he's her son too, I just stopped talking to her.

These tests always stop within two or three days of me giving her money, then start up again when I once more pay her for the month.

This is women: disrespecting you for your helpfulness and responsibility.

This is marriage: a decades long cycle that robs you of all your finances, time and freedom.